This is really sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
This is really sad.
12
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 4:19pm
I'm really just going to vent here. I feel comfortable around here now and I hope you all don't think I am completely negative because generally I am a very upbeat happy person. It just seems like things can't go my way lately.

Okay so my Mom called me last night while I was doing my budget. You all know that I am fairly young so I haven't quite established an egg nest yet but I now know the importance of it. Anyway, she called to tell me that she was really upset because she got a B in one of her classes. I told her that was good and she should be proud of herself but she became self deprecating and I know all she wanted was for me to show her attention. We have a strange relationship. Anyway I lost it on her. I feel so bad today but I couln't help it. I am the only child (out of 9) that moved out at 18 and has been doing it on my own since. I have never asked her for a penny. So I kind of told her that I really didn't have the time or energy to listen to her complain about a B! She asked what was wrong, and it was the first time she has asked since my fiance and I broke up. I broke down. I told her that this if the 1st X-mas in my life that I will be alone without my fiance or my family. That I can't make it out there and I can't afford to send gifts. I told her about my dog expenses and the fact that I am having trouble finding another job and that school is going to be put on hold another year because the second I got my head above water someone turned on the faucet and I was drowning again. And all she could say was that things have a way of working out. Maybe that is the words of wisdom that I should be listening to but I needed something more, at least from my mother.

So I yelled at her and told her that I needed her to be a mother for 5 minutes and to give me true advice. That I needed help. She said I would have to figure it out and let her know what happens. Why am I the only kid that she expects to succeed? The other 8 have walked all over her. And I sat there and cried. I know everything will work out. That I will look back on this in years to come and realize that I can do it when I have too. But right now it is so gosh darn hard. All I wanted was to go to college and make something of myself and I was working so hard on getting there. Now with all my set backs I will be lucky if I can start in the fall.

And its not just money. I can handle it if its just money. I can get a second job. It's the loneliness of the holidays. I have no family here. The closest relative is a ten hour drive away. The last few years I had my fiance. And he is having a rough time because his mother just passed and thats depressing because she put on the holidays every year.

This is the worst part of being single. When you know that X-mas morning you will wake up to a tv dinner and the parade. No little kids opening presents and running around screaming. No warm hugs from relatives. No turkey smell going through the house. No men in the living room watching football. Its not that I want a relationship with a man but just to be surrounded by people that you love and love you.

Sorry if I depressed anyone. I just had to get it out of me. I'm going to call my mother now and apologize.
Lilypie First Birthday tickers

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 4:41pm
One year I too was totally alone: estranged from family (though that's still true), no BF. So what I did was make the day For Myself. I ordered out for my T'Day dinner, then that morning I got up, watched the Macys parade, then popped in my dinner, sat down and enjoyed it very much. Then I watched a batch of videos I'd rented the day before, just kinda "caught up" w/movies I'd not seen, and it was a pleasant enough weekend.

Sometimes you just have to put the right "spin" on things. This is just a "lean" time in your life, and 1 "lean" T'Day does not a life make. Realize that this was just a bump in your life's road--and don't forget that you still have your beloved dog. Imagine how you'd feel if you didn't have THAT either...

Ash

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 4:42pm

I'm sorry you're feeling upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 4:49pm
I'll always accept feedback, I just don't want any pity.
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 5:02pm
I made the choice last year to spend the holidays alone...kind of a self-imposed retreat. It was the most selfish time I've ever had, but in an extraordinarily good way.

Now, that is much different than wanting to spend the holidays with people and not being able to, but maybe what I did can spark some ideas for what you can do and hopefully you won't feel quite so bad about it.

I went hiking on Thanksgiving Day...spent almost the entire day in the woods communing with nature (and freezing my bumkus off). It was one of the most peaceful days I've ever had in my life. I made a non-traditional dinner that night and started pulling out my Christmas decorations! I bought my tree the day after Thanksgiving.


I decorated my apartment, lit candles, played music, had wine and cheese....I basically had my own little party for one.

I rented a bunch of movies and laid around in my pjs watching them on Christmas Eve day.

Christmas Eve I volunteered to serve food at a homeless shelter.

I bought myself a bunch of little, inexpensive presents, wrapped them as extravagantly as possible and opened them up Christmas morning.

I made myself (and my cat) a complete holiday meal with all the trimmings. Then I was all fat and full so I watched more movies!

I know what you're feeling is much different and your circumstances aren't the same, but I think that spending those two holidays by myself was one of the best choices I've ever made. I came away from it stronger and happier with myself than I've ever been. I used the time to reflect on what I had been doing with and to my life and spent even more time figuring out the changes I wanted to make. I began to truly like myself....which has been the best thing for me.

Please know that being alone doesn't have to mean you're lonely....if you try to get your mind in a different place, with a different thought process, it could mean a world of enlightenment. It's hard, I know, but it sounds like you have your head and your heart in the right place.

Michelle

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 5:08pm

Oh, no pity, but a warm hug, having been there, done that with the financial situation and being far away from family at the holidays!


I know you're just feeling upset and low, but I hope you will remember to take responsibility for what you are responsible for...by that I mean, it wasn't your mom's choice (presumably) for you to move where you did, it was yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 5:19pm
I know it's frustrating. And I'm sorry - I know how it feels when parents disappoint. My advice for the holidays - volunteer at a soup kitchen/homeless shelter - and volunteer to wrap gifts for homeless children.

I hope you resolved things with your mother and that you feel much better soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 5:42pm
Thanks. I appreciate everyones advice and kind words. I will try to volunteer. I usually do but because it makes me feel like I am helping those less fortunate. I may take my mind off things and watch a movie or ten.

I talked to my mother and I told her I was sorry for being such a brat. She said it was okay and that we are okay. I did tell her that I need her to be there for me emotionally. That I don't want money or her to try get me out there to be with them but that I need to her to just check on me from time to time and make sure I know that they are there for me. She said she will keep in contact more through the holidays.

oh and I wish it would have been my choice that I moved far away but they all left here and moved to other states. I guess I could have followed them but my life was just beginning and I was scared to leave the only place I ever lived.

So thank you and you all are the best group of supportive women I have ever come across.
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 5:47pm
I have news for you...your mother didn't and doesn't "expect you to succeed" - it's that nobody else has taken it upon themselves to do it.

She's responding to you as she does all of them...that is what she is comfortable with and all she knows.

Take it from someone who's been there...if YOu want to rise above the standard and the norm that you were raised in and understand and know....it's going to require a restructure of your thinking pattern, your self-awareness responsibility and expectations - you've apparently done that. The last thing it seems to address i your expectations....you're not living down to theirs....don't expect them to live up to yours.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 6:10pm

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so awful.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 6:59pm
This is why I love Sheri! You ask how she wants to be supported.. whether advice or just listening...

I want a woman like that!

Mark

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