Red Flag or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Red Flag or not?
5
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 9:01pm

ads  started dating a man who was in my friend group (prior to dating I knew him casually for about a year) about a month ago.  He is generous, kind, successful, and cute enough!  Last tonight he said that he could really "fall " for me and it scared him because he has his own trust issues coming from his past.  He doesn't feel comfortable with my "baggage", ie I am friends with my exes  He wonders if I keep the exes around and if I flirt to keep my "toe" in the water and have back ups available.  I asked him what he wanted and he said he didn't know.  Here is a lot of chemistry between us.

So this morning I got to thinking.  Saying you are afraid to fall for someone is like saying he is breaking up because he loves me too much. That is such a ridiculous statement, particularly at our early dating stage.  Acting like I have problems with my exes is also questionable - these exes are exes for a reason and in fact should show that I care about the men I am with, not that I am being insecure (which is what my date seems to be saying). 

And now I am not sure. We have chemistry for sure.  But to be coming up with "my" problems at this stage just seems to be such a red flag. What do you think?  Is asking a date of one month to get rid of her "baggage" (ie quit hanging out with exes) because he is so into me it is "scarey" Fair or a red flag?  Is telling someone this early on they see red flags a red flag in and of itself?

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 9:16pm

He sounds like he might be a little insecure.  Just because you are still friendly with some of your exes doesn't mean you have baggage.  If he's telling you that he doesn't want to fall for you, then maybe there's a good reason and perhaps you should tread lightly.  He may love you, I can't answer that question, but he may not want to get hurt, either.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 07-26-2013 - 8:33am

To know whether or not his concerns are valid or not, I wondered to what extent you communicate or get togethr with exes. Is this one on one hanging out by going to a movie with an ex or going to his house to watch t.v.? Or, is it always with your group of friends and the ex just happens to be there?  What does he mean that you flirt with the exes? Do you send each other flirty texts, or do you pay a lot of attention to them when you're in your group of friends? How often to do you communicate with a particular ex? Every day? Once a month?

I'm assuming you're in your early twenties where remaining friends with exes and having a lot of guy friends is common. As you get older, you will notice that guys are less tolerant of this. Does your mother have a best guy friend that she goes out with and phones a lot? Probably not, because once a person's in a serious relationship, friends of the opposite sex usually go on the back burner. The male/female friendship dynamic is different than same sex friendships. I know I wouldn't like it if my husband had a female best friend, even if I knew they weren't attracted to each other. I especially wouldn't like it if she were an ex. Just some things to consider.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 07-26-2013 - 11:20am

 

'..Last tonight he said that he could really "fall " for me and it scared him because he has his own trust issues coming from his past.  He doesn't feel comfortable with my "baggage", ie I am friends with my exes  He wonders if I keep the exes around and if I flirt to keep my "toe" in the water and have back ups available.  I asked him what he wanted and he said he didn't know'

Sorry but imo and experience, this is man-speak for 'I'm not MAD about her, I can't tell her this because it will hurt her, I'd like to keep her around for now - until someone who I'm really nuts about comes along'. Noone, man or woman, is ever scared of anything, baggage or not, past dissapointments or not if they feel that they've finally found the right person for them. If he really wanted to be with you but wasn't happy about you being friends with exes he would say to you: 'look... I'd rather you were not quite so close with your exes'. He would not be saying he 'didn't know'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-26-2013 - 11:45am

If someone told me they had trust issues or any other kind of issues stemming from their past that might prevent them from getting into a relationship w/ me, my first reaction would be not to get too involved w/ that person cause I figure it is not going to work out due to his issues--my 2nd reaction would be to ask him "well what are you doing to work on your problems to get over these issues?  Like is every other woman in his life just supposed to deal with his "trust issues" and suffer through a bad relationship cause he has issues, or is he willing to do something, like read books or get therapy, so he can have healthy relationships in the future?  Maybe you should tell him to contact you again after he's gotten over his issues.

Friends with exes is tricky as the other poster said cause I think it's fine to be casual friends w/ exes who might be in the same social group anyway (like maybe you all went to college together and the ex relationship was not very serious) but then if someone is always w/ their ex and the relationship was serious, I'd wonder why they don't just get back w/ the ex or if they are going to get back eventually.  Only you know if you really are too flirty or not.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Fri, 07-26-2013 - 11:54am

I agree with Safire- I'd like to know the answers to those questions too. Casually running into an ex because you're friends with the same people is one thing. Texting, flirting, and hanging out alone is completely different. I wouldn't like that at all. 

I do understand being afraid to be hurt in a relationship, but typically that slows me down. It doesn't make me say I'm falling for a guy a few weeks in. We've all been through crap when it comes to relationships. The key is to learn from it and be able to move on.