Regarding Self Esteem /Self Worth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Regarding Self Esteem /Self Worth
21
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:20pm

I've been thinking about this for a long time.

If you are a person who believes you are attractive, intelligent and worthwhile for many different reasons, however, no one or many people do not see those same qualities or potential in you, does that affect how you feel about you? Do you feel as though validation and feedback from others is essential in feeling good about oneself?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you've heard of the old question 'if a tree falls in the middle of the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound' And the answer is suppose to be if no one is around to hear it, then it doesn't make a sound, so in essence, it is silent.

So in rephrasing my question, if no one really appreciates or sees the beauty or potential in you, does it still exist? Is it valid? Does it even matter?

If you are the only one who thinks you are great. Are you really great or is it just your perception?

I guess I'm trying to make sense of some things in my head. I think I have much to offer as far as personality, looks, the whole shebang (and my friends are constantly reiterating that too), however, if no one else sees it but me and my closest friends, then it makes me wonder how true is it? How real is it? Could it be just our little perceptions. The next question is would I need outside reinforcement to validate this. And if so, why??

Hope this isn't too confusing.

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:31pm

That is a very good question, and one I've thought about myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:30pm

I'm probably going to ramble here a bit.

My self-esteem comes from within because I guess I'm one of those that gets really uncomfortable when I get compliments. I dont get them all that often but when I do, I squirm and shuffle about until the focus is off me again. I am outspoken at times, love to take charge and be a leader but I hate being the center of attention (does that make sense?..probably not). You'll never see me dancing on tables or drawing lots of attention to myself. I tend to draw more attention to the people Im with or the work I'm doing.

When people tell me I'm beautiful, I just say "thanks and well I try" and leave it alone. If someone trys to compliment my work, I just say "Thanks, its what I do or its my job." Secretly, I take pride in the recognition I receive for anything I am/do but I dont know how to handle it most of the time. Even though I take pride in it, it isnt necessary to feel good about myself. It feels good but most of the time its unecessary.

I've said for a long time now that I prefer to make my own mark in life but fade into the background. I believe that I'm still a great person with great qualities even though others may not tell me. Just because they dont tell me outright, doesnt mean they dont think it. If I was such a terrible person with godawful qualities, I dont think I would have the friends that I do or the network either. I also dont think I need the whole world to validate my worth. My friends, my family, my bosses and coworkers and my SO are plenty. And like I rambled above, I'm not comfortable with compliments

But then I have a Narcissistic Personality aunt (not her only problem, but most of it) and I've seen the damage that grandiose, constant attention-seeking, inflated self worth does. It hurts people. Not just her, but everybody around her. Its like a damn cancer.

I think if a person always needs outside validation, they have a lot of insecurities. Everybody needs * little bit* of validation and recognition (its part of our egos) but constant reinforcement is unhealthy in my opinion.

Think of an analogy...teaching someone that work is intrinsically rewarding. Every one of us works because of the paycheck but for some people, thats all they get up for. Those same people are also the ones looking for the Bigger Better Deal and jumping jobs...because the pay is NEVER enough. Volunteers find work intrinsically rewarding; they dont work for the paycheck, and they hardly ever get recognition, but they work because they get an internal reward. Volunteers would hardly argue against the reality or validity of their work or that it really matters because they believe that it does matter.

This post kinda jumped all over the place.. I apologize. Its the heat!

Ruby

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:40pm

See, this is what I always have trouble with...


If I was such a terrible person with godawful qualities, I dont think I would have the friends that I do or the network either.


I don't have lots of friends, nor do I have a "network."

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:57pm
WEll, your self-worth should not come from others and how they see you. Most people don't even know our true hearts. I know there's always going to be someone better looking than me, more successful, better body, nicer car, etc. When it all comes down to competing that way, I'll always come up short. But there are few guys out there who are not into a relationship, that look for companionship, that treat people the way I do, and listen and care like I do. Not every woman wants that, some just want to have a fun, don't want to be tied down, don't share my morals, etc. That's probably most of sociey, but I don't strive to be like everyone, and I can't please everyone. I used to be a people pleaser and it caused so much tension in my life, and just learning about myself in that way has opened up my eyes. Knowledge is power. My goal is to treat others as I would like to be treated and when I find someone who sees the real me. We are not perfect and we cannot please everyone, but i'm glad I'm not like everyone and I'm glad that I know what truel love is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 2:24pm

Well here's how I look at friendships...they change and evolve over time and we usually only have a few close ones in the end.

I was part of a group in high school, about 20-25 of us. When I go home, I hang out with two of the girls religiously. Those are the only two I stay in touch with on a regular basis. One or two others I talk to every few months for a brief catch-up, and the rest I havent talked to since high school.

In college, I hung out with about 100 people on a regular basis (we were in an organization together) and about 25-30 of those I considered to be closer than the rest. Of those people, one is my best friend, two or three I talk to on a regular basis and the rest I keep in touch with but am not so close anymore. One guy I thought I would never lose touch with has dropped the ball on his end. Makes me sad, but thats how he is too which I've accepted.

In grad school, its taken me 9 months to acquire a steady base of friends in the city. But of the people I now hang out with, currently I consider three to be people I will stay in contact with when I leave.

My "network" is previous bosses and co-workers, teachers and current colleagues. They're good for references and contacts in the future.

I was never the "popular" person in any of these places, but I was/am "popular" with my circle. Thats all that mattered.

So I guess I try to make many friends and I usually succeed but I only really stay in contact with a precious few. I dont think you have to have this ginormous circle of friends to feel worthy. And I dont think you're a godawful person with terrible qualities if you feel you dont have enough friends. Sometimes, just one person is enough and for others they thrive off a huge circle.

Also friendships go two ways. If Im making the effort, I expect them to make an effort too. If not, see ya. I dont have time for that anymore.

How many friends do you have Shy? That you consider friends you can count on? I think people (not you or directed at you) get stuck on a number...just like with anything..how much they make, how new their car is, etc...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 3:15pm

Personally, I think that self-esteem should come from inside. There will always be those who think highly of us and there will also be those who don't. For some people, it seems as though their self-esteem goes up and down like a roller coaster. I think that is because some people depend too much on how others perceive them. So of course when somebody thinks badly about them, their self-esteem plummets and vice versa.

I guess to make this short, if you feel you are the whole package, then you are. No matter how beautiful on the outside as well as the inside, there will always be somebody who thinks you are crap. But there will also be 2X the amount of people who think you are great. So as long as you feel you "rock", then who really cares? Self-esteem exists as long as you make it exist.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 5:12pm

I would say I have one friend.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 5:17pm

That all sounds great, but what if you don't have those 2x people who think you're great?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 6:02pm

Thats called narcissism and like I said before, its a cancer. My aunt cant figure out why nobody wants anything to do with her either because she's the greatest person *ever* (according to her). According to her, everybody else is the jerk and she's just fine the way she is.


People that are insensitive to others and alienate themselves are probably more self-focused and grandiose. They expect a lot of attention but do nothing to reciprocate. They're the best at everything, they're special and nobody has problems like they do. Thats unhealthy.

People that are so called "above" criticism or self-esteem issues are narcissistic. Even people with very healthy self-esteem have insecurities.

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 6:25pm

So essentially you're saying that it's healthy to let other people's opinions affect how we feel about ourselves to a small extent.

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