Regarding Self Esteem /Self Worth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Regarding Self Esteem /Self Worth
21
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:20pm

I've been thinking about this for a long time.

If you are a person who believes you are attractive, intelligent and worthwhile for many different reasons, however, no one or many people do not see those same qualities or potential in you, does that affect how you feel about you? Do you feel as though validation and feedback from others is essential in feeling good about oneself?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you've heard of the old question 'if a tree falls in the middle of the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound' And the answer is suppose to be if no one is around to hear it, then it doesn't make a sound, so in essence, it is silent.

So in rephrasing my question, if no one really appreciates or sees the beauty or potential in you, does it still exist? Is it valid? Does it even matter?

If you are the only one who thinks you are great. Are you really great or is it just your perception?

I guess I'm trying to make sense of some things in my head. I think I have much to offer as far as personality, looks, the whole shebang (and my friends are constantly reiterating that too), however, if no one else sees it but me and my closest friends, then it makes me wonder how true is it? How real is it? Could it be just our little perceptions. The next question is would I need outside reinforcement to validate this. And if so, why??

Hope this isn't too confusing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 6:38pm

Your last paragraph is right on the money. It starts when we're very little and is reinforced throughout our lives. Our parents teach us what our values are and how we should measure that, either internally or externally. Its healthy when its balanced between the two with the scale tipping towards internal gratification.

And yes, essentially it is healthy to let people's opinions affect us. I think the greatest way we can let other people's opinions affect us is if it promotes a positive change in ourselves. We have the power to choose how people affect us. We can choose to feel good or feel bad, we can choose what opinions to internalize and to throw away.

In my opinion anyway.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 7:39pm

I think it's also important to be able to choose whose opinion affects us as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:19pm

"if no one really appreciates or sees the beauty or potential in you, does it still exist? Is it valid? Does it even matter?"

Yes, I believe it still exists. For myself (not to sound egotistical), but am attractive, educated, and have a decent personality. I do believe it is good to have family and close friends to ask them what they think about you (me). If smthg goes wrong at work, for example, i give my family/friend(s) both sides to the story and ask them if I approached the situation the "right" way or not. I think it is good to have someone who is close to you tell you their perspective - it should be a person that knows more then the type of frappuccino you like to drink.

the reason why i think it's better to have someone that really knows you give you feedback about your "self-worth" is sometimes you can get bad advice/judgement from someone who really doesn't know you. for example, i had a co-worker tell me a couple of months ago, "i don't ever see you getting married because you're just 'too' independent." wow! did that lower my self-esteem or what?! this is a girl that has been with her bf/now husband for about 10 years and she is my age (in our mid-20s). well, my goals are different then yours! i wanna live my life and learn about the real world before getting hitched at a relatively young age.

I think the way a person carries oneself is an indicator of one's level of self-esteem. Also, i think there's many types/levels of self-esteems. Meaning, my levels of self-esteem varies depending on the given situation. For example, people at work don't realize that am a rather "shy/reserved" individual and don't like to attract attention to myself - pretty much an introvert. Co-workers see me as an extremely outgoing person, but given that I have to work with/train many individuals, I feel like me being a positive, outgoing person will only make their work more enjoyable (and they don't have to see it as "oh great, more work.". When I get asked, "what did you do over the weekend?" I say, "oh, i pretty much just stayed home" or "went with my family to xxxxxx..."...then i get asked "how come you ALWAYS hangout with your family? (even though i still live with my family)"...then questions come about like "don't you have any friends?! you mean - you don't have a boyfriend?! that's impossible!!!"

little do they know - I only have a couple of close friends that i hangout with once in a while (When they are not with their bfs) and am NOT a party animal. Like everyone else, after college (even 4 years after the fact), everyone is either with a bf/gf, married, have kids, etc. so i feel left out or just nothing to relate to when i am with them. in my close group of friends - i'm the ONLY one with no boyfriend, but my goals (career/education wise) are FAR different then theirs. I pride myself with my career that pays a rather good amount and isn't so stressful. also, i just finished my masters degree. however, with my friends, they are flying so sky-high with their relationships, but career/education wise they are okay. sometimes when i come home from work, i feel like i have no boyfriend to call after work or whatever so i tend to feel lonely. HOWEVER, i will always have my family to be there for me, even when my closest friends are busy with their bf.

so to summarize, i think, at least for me, my self-esteem depends on the actual subject - career, education, relationships - and only my family/close friends' opinions really affect how i feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2005
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 12:28pm
I feel as you do. I have so much to offer a guy but cannot seem to meet any. Am I too good for them? Do I intimidate them? Are they all out for sex? Sometimes I feel like becoming a nun. I don't put up with much from a guy, no drugs, no drinking problems. I've met so many first-time guys where I told them I wasn't interested in dating them. I'm nice about it. They aren't who they say they are, they are unattractive to me, they get too clingy too fast, they've just been separated or divorced.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 11:10am
I think ideally your self worth should only come from within and not from outside sources. No one should "need" outside validation but we all like to have some outside validation and it does make us all feel a little bit better when we do. I think all of us are human and when others don't see that we are as great as we perceive ourselves to be of course we get a little hurt and bothered by it but ultimately we need to dust ourselves off from this and realize that we are worth it and remember that not everyone is going to think that we are their type in dating and it doesnt' mean that we are not great. I think we should all try to build our self worth up to the point where we don't need any outside validation so it will make us stronger and more resiliant in the tough dating world and we should love ourselves a lot without needing validation anyway. It's a good feeling to be at peace with who you are. I've had that feeling but it's been fleeting and I'm trying to make the peaceful feelings about loving myself no matter what others think last longer but it's hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 12:07pm

Inner things do seem to have more staying power - I recall learning in psychology that inner motivation is far more reliable in getting a person to do something than is external motivation (tangible punishment or rewards). And that makes a lot of sense - I tend to stick with the things that I naturally feel strongly about.

So I imagine an inner sense of self-worth may ultimately have more staying power and more power in general than one that is based on external comments, etc.

Of course, validation is a fundamental human need, and I would *never* believe anyone who said they didn't need it! I also agree that we *should* take into account things people say to us. I think people with a healthy sense of self-worth are most able to accept and benefit from criticism, and are not so afraid to a hear a less-than-glowing comment - or miss out on a good one - because they still have that inner thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 1:09pm

I must say that it is great to hear everyone's opinion on this topic. It is great to finally "meet" some people i can relate to on this subject.

I am very much like marypoppins4life and calamityjane. I am an intelligent, outgoing, attractive, friendly, goal oriented young woman. I have an excellent job and am very focused on my education and my future career. On my weekends i spend my time going for walks or being with family and close friends. No one believes me when i tell them that i don't have a boyfriend and that i really haven't even been asked on a date in 3 years. Despite me being attractive, smart, funny, and even guy-like (i enjoy the same activities as most men) i can't seem to find an interested guy :(. But at the same time at the moment, i don't want to ahve to think about getting married and having kids right away since i still have so much to work towards in regards to my career and my education and myself.

In regards to self esteem, i think our self opinion and self worth is infulanced by both ourselves and our peers/others around us. from a social perspective, we tend to create ourselves in the ways that others percieve (or how we think they percieve) us to be. This starts early on in childhood and often times when others label a child as "such and such" the child will become that not because that is what they themsleves want to be but that is what they think is expected from them. How we look at oursleves is directly related to how others see us, and we really can't help that. I have very low self esteem because i was made fun of a lot as a child and in all honesty, at 23 i am still recovering from it. I am a firm believer in positive reinforcement because of this and i don't see it being used all too often.

What i have learned is that like most people have said, it depends on who's opinion you are taking. Your closest friends and family give you their honest opinion and they know you for who you are. The average person walking down the street or the coworker in the lunch room with whom you speak doesn't know you like they do. They don't know about all the wonderful things you have done for others or about how you have pushed your way through troubled times. My mom is the perfect example of this. She has saved people's lives, is one of the most wonderful, caring, loving people i have ever met. She has sacrificed so much for me and asks nothing in return. Not many people know these things about her. Most people don't know how wonderful she really is but what is most important is that the people around her who care about her know how wonderful she is. The opinions of the people who know you the best are the ones that you should take to heart.

That being said, i really need to start taking my own advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 10:43pm

I have the opposite problem. I have many people tell me I'm attractive, sweet, caring, funny, independant, etc., but I think they are just making things up. I am often very hard on myself and really need to work on my self-esteem. I think that may be a BIG reason why I am unhappy a lot of the time and it probably has a lot to do with the kind of people I attract. I don't display it to other people, like walking around with my head hanging down and me always telling people that I'm worthless, I put on a brave face and if you met me, you would think that I have it all together, but inside, it's like I'm fighting a huge war with myself. I look in the mirror and instead of seeing 10 pounds that I lost, I see 10 more that I need to lose....

I agree with the other poster, I feel that I have a lot to offer, yet I can't even get a guy to say he's dating me, let alone call me his GF....my 2 relationships I've had were each 2 months, and after I always felt like I did something wrong. And high school was HORRIBLE for me, I was a loner, just had a couple of friends, and I wasn't teased, but I didn't live my life in the spotlight either.

I wish I could think that I was great! I truly think that my life would feel a lot better if I had a better outlook/attitude. I do good some days, but then others are harder. If anyone has any ideas on how to do this, please share!

ETA: A couple of years ago I read this great book, "Coach Yourself to Success" and in it were some exercises to do, one of them was to have 5 or 10 friends e-mail you or call you every day and say something nice about you, something they liked about you, or just something positive, the idea was to help boost your self esteem and ideas of yourself. I didn't even feel comfortable asking 5 friends to do this, I had one send it for 2 or 3 days and then stop (they recommend I think a month) and my other friend thought it was a joke! Talk about your self esteem dropping down a few notches!




Edited 8/16/2006 11:01 pm ET by rebainmi
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 10:59pm

Yup, your self-esteem is valid. I used to wonder that myself. Starting in 5th grade, I was picked on every day. By high school it was worse. I'd look at myself in the mirror and puzzle over it. Besides one small mole next to my nose (which is the same color as the rest of my skin so its not that noticeable)...*I* wouldn't change a thing about my appearence. And even that didn't really bother me.

Nor did I doubt my inner self.

But most of the friends I had I met through my sister. And only guys I wasn't attracted to asked me out ('course...I wasn't attracted to anybody until college....).

That made me look in the mirror and think, "What the heck? Is there something I'm *not* seeing? What is it?" But I never found anything. And eventually I got bored of the thought.

Then, in college, I got away from the shallow red-necks of my hometown and met more like-minded people. I haven't been picked on since. And besides shorter hair and nicer jeans, I haven't changed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 12:42pm

my heart goes out to you, rebainmi. being hard on yourself is one of the toughest things to live with, i think. i was so so tough on myself growing up, and often compliments only made me feel worse, because i felt like i had perpetrated some awful lie ... i'm sweet? pretty? if only they really knew ...

i still feel that way a lot, but i think we both realize it doesn't do us much good! perhaps you set the bar too high. i think it's easy to have imaginary ideals and to be disappointed when these aren't realized within ourselves. honestly, i don't think anyone really lives up to every ideal - everyone is very very imperfect. so basically, we're normal! and wonderful things happen to normal people every day.