relationship w/ no sex??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
relationship w/ no sex??
15
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 10:33am
i would like to know why a guy will instantly not talk to me anymore b/c i do not want to have sex until i get married? i am not a virgin, but that is what i want. what is so wrong w/ that. guys will say they need to see how it goes before they marry you. bull. if they can get it now, who's to say they will marry? i have been in too many relationships where i have had sex and nothing ever owrked out. now i am sticking to my beliefs and guys aren't even talking to me. well, i guess at least now i won't have to visit there house and wait for them to try something! is it something wrong w/ having Christan beliefs? many people would say i'm a prude, but that is my belief. i'm born again and i want to live right. why does that run guys away??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 10:44am
My guess is they can tell - as I can - that your decision is based on cynicysm and not really on religion - there is a difference between abstaining from sex because of a belief that you do not want to share your body with anyone but your husband, as opposed to holding out as a sort of test of the man's loyalty or devotion - my guess is your negativity about men is what turns them off, not your decision not to have sex. My sister and mother were both virgins when they married - my sister's husband had no problem waiting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 11:10am
ok. i am not just negative about men, i just dont want to continue to share myself with someone who will totally trash me later on. it does have to do with my religion as in i am trying not to sin and that is my biggest downfall in to sin. i do have negative feeling toward men, but if all i have dealt with are bad guys, i cant help but think the next one will act that way. i try to think they will be nice, but seems like when i have sex with them, they think they can control me or just dog me out.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 11:21am
There is nothing wrong with what you believe. What you have to realize, though, is that many people do believe that they need to test out the sexual chemistry before they marry. Because of this, your pool of available men is reduced. It's just something you'll have to live with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 11:43am
It could be in the approach. How early does this come up in a conversation or dating situation? How do you tell them this belief/value?

I know that if I was dating a guy and this was brough up date #1 I would be a bit put off, but if it were brought up after a few weeks of dating then it wouldn't be nearly as big a deal.

Do you drop this information on them after they try to give you something as small as a kiss?

There is nothing wrong with sticking to your values or beliefs, but the approach will either make it sweet or bitter.

Best of luck to you.

A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 12:03pm
the approach:

well, i havent dated in a while b/c it seems most guys just want to hang out in their house and "watch movies". i would pay my way on a date just to not sit up in a house all night long. but i try to tell them right off the bat. not when i first meet them, but whenver the subject of sex come up. you know they ask are you a virgin and stuff and i tell them then. i try not to tell them when were kissing and caught up in the moment. i try not to get to that point b/c i know i will do it. i just try to stay out of those situations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 12:44pm
"i would like to know why a guy will instantly not talk to me anymore b/c i do not want to have sex until i get married?"

simple logic.

say you met someone while vacationing in moscow. he's a great guy and there's a connection. however, you live in america. would you even attempt to consider a future together?

it's kind of the same thing...

give a guy 2 options: two women who are the same except one wants to wait until marriage to have sex. which do you think he'll choose? it's a no brainer...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 2:26pm
I think then you owe it to yourself to avoid dating until you get over this attitude - not fair to the men - no, you are not justified in thinking that all men are bad just based on your experience - to me, that is sinful and unfair. That is like saying that all Irish people or all Black people are bad if you happen to have negative interactions with a few. I have had sex with 5 men in my life, been sexual with more than that, and have never, ever been trashed or trashed anyone in the way you describe. If you truly are religious and spiritual you owe it to yourself to get rid of all that hate and negativity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 3:44pm
i dont hate men. geez. i just have a hard time trusting some of them. i am a christian. why is everyone getting on me? i know it seems like i hate men to you all but i dont. if i did i would be a lesbian and there is no way i would take a woman over a man. so i have trust issues. i'm not all negative and hateful and you are making me out to be. like i am the bad guy. i'm just trying to find someone. you know what? you made me realize something. i need to get all that "negativity and hate" out. and i need to stop going to people and asking them what they think i should do insteado asking God what i should do. he knows me a lot better anyway.

and the girl saying if a man chose between sex and no sex, he isnt always going to chose sex. there are some good men out there. i just havent met them yet, but they are out there. no matter how many negative things i "seem" to say i know there is always a great guy out there who is perfect for me and i know i will meet him when God wants me to. He may not come when you want him, but He comes in his own time.

as for being trashed, guys will talk if you make a mistake and sleep with the wrong one. not consulting God helped me to make that mistake. when your 22 like me, it is hard to fins nice guys because you're in college and all people want to do is smoke, drink and, have sex.

what i need to do is wait. waited this long, can wait a little longer.

*shenna*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 5:01pm
I have a thought for you.

Why don't you start hanging out at your college faith center? Or start attending a church that has an active college ministry? There, you will find lots of guys who are like minded - and who aren't trying to get into your pants because they are serious about their beliefs, too.

If your group of friends consist of people that want to smoke, drink and have sex, and you want to live an upstanding Christian life - it doesn't seem like you would have much in common with them. It would seem like it's time to make some NEW friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 5:35pm
When I was 22 I had a lovely boyfriend who was wonderful to me - in college I found men who treated me like a lady and I am still friends with some wonderful people from college - nothing like you described. I was a virgin till age 24. I am glad you see you have to get rid of your hate. As a Jew I believe G-d wants me to take the initiative to make a life for myself - I do not believe He believes in my passively waiting for the right man to come along. To me that's using religion as an excluse for passivity.

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