Seemingly Perfect

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Seemingly Perfect
23
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 5:10pm

I'm...friends with this guy (The same guy I've mentioned here plenty of times, if anyone remembers me). We're friends, but...he doesn't date anyone and I don't date anyone. Neither one of us decided to be exclusive, but...it came so naturally. We just don't feel the desire to date others. We spend at least six hours on the phone together every day and we see each other maybe once a week.

We got into a HUGE argument, but...considering how easy it was for both of us to do everything we could to not lose each other over it, I only loved him more.

He seems perfect, yeah? Well...

For one, he gives me all of these excuses for why we can't be together. He says he's afraid of meeting my mom because of some outlandish things she's said about his plans for me. He says he's been hurt before by other women in and outside of his family (which I do believe). He says because I'm black (He's white), it's too much of a big deal to the southern people here for him to date me. Yes, he has many, many excuses.

Secondly, he's ALWAYS talking about how women are all over him (which I do not believe). There's one girl in particular that he's always talking about. She's beautiful (In fact, she's the reigning pageant queen at my school), but...I am constantly reminded of how beautiful he thinks she is because he's always telling me.
He tells me I'm beautiful, "easy on the eyes" and such...but gee...he talks about her A LOT.

What do you think?

I think that...I should possibly consider dating someone else, but...I really like him. I love him, in fact. We've only been "friends" for three months, so I'm not rushing anything, but...I know that I do love him. I'm not in love with him because he has some serious character flaws (such as extreme arrogance) that make it really hard for me.
He's a very passionate, smart, funny, driven guy. He spends all of his free time with me, and I with him. I think he's perfect for me, but...he's giving me all of these excuses that I don't buy and he's always talking about Ms. Pageant Queen...

*sigh*

Thanks in advance for your advice.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 6:25pm

I'm still trying to figure out what's so "perfect" about this arrogant, controlling guy, but even if he IS "perfect", that doesn't matter--he's not right for you because he doesn't want to date you. Whether you buy the excuses or not doesn't really matter--he's being pretty clear about the fact that he doesn't want to date you. So you can hang on, hoping he'll change his mind, or you can move on and find someone who is right for you.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 6:47pm

I'm with Sheri on this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 6:54pm

What's so "perfect" about him is the four or five qualities I listed in the original post.
He also just sat with me for an hour or so while I was crying over something. He made me feel so much better and he put in time and effort to help me feel better.

He has said that he WANTS to date me. I believe that (somewhat), but I don't believe the stupid, lame excuses he offers for not dating me as of yet.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 6:56pm

Well, hmm. To me, the negatives of arrogant and controlling make him not perfect, no matter what positives he may have.

But let's say you decide he's "perfect" nonetheless. And let's even say he "wants" to date you. But the bottom line is, he's NOT dating you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 7:08pm

I know when I love someone. Consequently, I know that I love this guy. You are clear on the distinction I made in the original post, yes? I said I love him, but I'm not IN love with him. By 'loving' him, I mean that I don't want anything terrible to happen to him, that I want everything he desires to come to him, that I want to play a part in those desires.
My ability to know when I love someone and when I don't shouldn't be questioned.

Au contraire, I do know quite a lot about him. When you spend hours and hours together, it's pretty inevitable. I've seen him at his best; I've seen him at his worst (Sure, his worst was hard on me, but...I never once hated any of the time I spent with him and never was willing to give it up).

Lol, high school? Hardly. I have to wonder how old you are as well, considering the fact that you think pageantry doesn't occur in anything past high school, but okay...
I'm a senior in college. I'm 21 - he's 30. The girl in question is "Miss _______" where the blank represents the name of our college.

You're right, of course - I do love the attention. But I also love pretty much everything about him. The things I don't love, I accept because it makes him who he is and not some other guy. I do accept him for all that he is which is why I'm still here. I've seen him be a complete monster and I'm still here. He can't shake me that easily...and he won't.
But he will if he just...keeps taking me for granted as he does.

Thanks for your advice :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 7:16pm

I don't believe I said he was perfect. If I did, I meant to say that I believe he is perfect for me.
No, he's not dating me. However, I'm not sure how that has anything to do with what I see in him as a person.

I've some personal problems that he feels I need to take care of first before we can officially be together. These problems...he's right. They are things I've wanted to solve years and years ago. It's only until now that I've really had such a huge incentive (this guy) to fix them. He just motivates me so much to be much better and to correct these wrongs in my life. He's offered to loan me so much money just to help me solve these problems, but of course, I won't let him.

I don't want to correct these things JUST because of him. I want to change them for me too.
It's just that since he has been around, he's been such a motivation for me to face these problems. He's a huge help, I think.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 8:10pm

Ok, I'm not understanding what the issue is then. If he's perfect for you, and you're ok with the not dating for the time being, then what do you want advice on?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 10:15pm

No, I'm not okay with not dating him right now. That's what I want from him.

I wanted advice on whether or not I'm being silly by waiting on him to get serious about me. Does it seem, from what I've mentioned, that he'll continue enjoying me as an unsaid girlfriend -minus sex- and never allowing me to be an official one? Am I just wasting my time?
Of course, I'll do what I feel my heart needs in the end, but it's always nice to hear outside opinions.

Thanks :)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 10:23pm

OK. In that case, yes, I think you are wasting your time.

I thought I said that already but perhaps it wasn't clear.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 10:31pm
Ah. Thank you for your opinion. I highly doubt you are considering his favorable traits, but thanks anyhow.

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