Seemingly Perfect
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| Sun, 11-26-2006 - 5:10pm |
I'm...friends with this guy (The same guy I've mentioned here plenty of times, if anyone remembers me). We're friends, but...he doesn't date anyone and I don't date anyone. Neither one of us decided to be exclusive, but...it came so naturally. We just don't feel the desire to date others. We spend at least six hours on the phone together every day and we see each other maybe once a week.
We got into a HUGE argument, but...considering how easy it was for both of us to do everything we could to not lose each other over it, I only loved him more.
He seems perfect, yeah? Well...
For one, he gives me all of these excuses for why we can't be together. He says he's afraid of meeting my mom because of some outlandish things she's said about his plans for me. He says he's been hurt before by other women in and outside of his family (which I do believe). He says because I'm black (He's white), it's too much of a big deal to the southern people here for him to date me. Yes, he has many, many excuses.
Secondly, he's ALWAYS talking about how women are all over him (which I do not believe). There's one girl in particular that he's always talking about. She's beautiful (In fact, she's the reigning pageant queen at my school), but...I am constantly reminded of how beautiful he thinks she is because he's always telling me.
He tells me I'm beautiful, "easy on the eyes" and such...but gee...he talks about her A LOT.
What do you think?
I think that...I should possibly consider dating someone else, but...I really like him. I love him, in fact. We've only been "friends" for three months, so I'm not rushing anything, but...I know that I do love him. I'm not in love with him because he has some serious character flaws (such as extreme arrogance) that make it really hard for me.
He's a very passionate, smart, funny, driven guy. He spends all of his free time with me, and I with him. I think he's perfect for me, but...he's giving me all of these excuses that I don't buy and he's always talking about Ms. Pageant Queen...
*sigh*
Thanks in advance for your advice.

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Argh!!!! Whether he has favorable traits or not, is SOOOOO not the point!!!!
The point is, he is NOT DATING YOU and he has all sorts of excuses as to why he is NOT *GOING* TO DATE YOU.
If you want to wait around for him to change his mind, that's your call, but IMO you are wasting your time. He wouldn't be giving you all those excuses if he wanted to date you--that's the bottom line.
Sheri
So you only want the opinion that you want to hear?
I'm not sure how you reasonably concluded that I want a certain opinion. If I wanted that, I wouldn't have posted on this message board. I've thanked both of you for your honest opinions, no matter what you've said, haven't I? That's not a sign of someone who wants a certain kind of response.
I don't think I'm being silly. You guys do. That's fine.
After only three months, we NEED to be right where we are - just friends. I'm not doing anything 'silly' because I'm not doing what girlfriends do without being his girlfriend. Now, THAT would constitute silly behavior.
However, I do think I have a bad case of wishful thinking.
He truly does want the benefits of a girlfriend without making me his own. He was a bit peeved...for hours... last night just KNOWING that another guy called me. But hey...he can't have his cake and eat it too, as they say.
Thanks, both of you.
You keep posting about this guy and the more you post about him, the more I dislike him.
Let's try this again...
I can totally understand why you guys would dislike him. Even I; myself, am 50/50 on him. His bad qualities are REALLY bad. But when you sign up for a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with someone else, it's not right to dislike the person or regret the relationship because of a few ... personality flaws.
What way does he treat me? If I've given you all any impression that he treats me poorly, then it was my mistake. He doesn't treat me poorly - he just has an arrogance issue. I don't just take that either. In fact, we got into a huge argument about his ego. He was mad at first (of course). It took a lot of guts for me to contest him because I'm just not one to speak against someone I care about, but I couldn't take his ego anymore. He's been a bit better, actually. He hasn't said to me what he said before to me anymore.
As I stated earlier, he's pushing me, yes. But it's a push I've needed for years. He's not even attempting to control me - he's only helping and I welcome it. He's a big incentive. It's a good thing that he wants better things for me. I've not had positive influences in my life until he's come along. I absolutely know you don't mean to, but it really insults my intelligence that you assume the only reason I want to change for the better is for a guy. He's a positive role model because he's been through so much in his life. I appreciate him sharing his experiences with me. It helps me in a way. He's not making me do anything I haven't want to do myself for years, but he is serving as an incentive and a role model. I've been scared to go about these changes and especially by myself, but he's with me now (even as a friend) and I appreciate it, really.
I'm interested in what lengths I've gone to please him. Please do point them out.
I asked for your advice on whether or not I was wasting my time. You guys said yes. I'm nto sure why his character or personality or even my motives for wanting to change some things about my life (which are, indeed, things I've wanted to change even BEFORE he came into the picture) should be questioned.
As far as race goes, I wouldn't change his race or mine, even if I had the opportunity, so that's really...not relevant. I see him bringing that up as an excuse. It's all excuses, which I already said I don't buy because when it comes down to it, if he really liked me, race wouldn't be an issue.
If this message seems rushed or if I stated something wrong, seemingly, it's because I'm at work and am being watched like a hawk (oiy...), but when I get the chance, I'll talk with you guys more.
Thanks.
You wrote:
"It's all excuses, which I already said I don't buy because when it comes down to it, if he really liked me, race wouldn't be an issue."
Exactly. If he really liked you, AND if he wanted to date you, there would be no excuses, including race.
Sheri
I see him as a "friend" rather than a mate. You have said how much you shared with him and how you value him as someone who helps you grow. Great. That's a good friend.
If you are asking whether you should move on to date others, to be available romantically to others then I echo everyone else's opinion especially since you shared how HE told you he does not want a dating relationship with you and he is interested in another woman.
I would invite you in understanding yourself on why you don't want to accept what he told you.
Mark
"But when you sign up for a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with someone else, it's not right to dislike the person or regret the relationship because of a few ... personality flaws."
Well, I for one can't stand arrogant, jealous, controlling people, so that's a dealbreaker for me.
"I don't think I'm being silly. You guys do. That's fine.
After only three months, we NEED to be right where we are - just friends. I'm not doing anything 'silly' because I'm not doing what girlfriends do without being his girlfriend. Now, THAT would constitute silly behavior."
--If you don't think you're being silly then why this post:
"I wanted advice on whether or not I'm being silly by waiting on him to get serious about me. Does it seem, from what I've mentioned, that he'll continue enjoying me as an unsaid girlfriend -minus sex- and never allowing me to be an official one? Am I just wasting my time?"
If you don't want honest opinions then I suggest you don't ask for them. We are not here to judge, offend, or belittle you. These opinions are coming from years and years of experience(not that you have none). We've been where you are. And I think most of us are here on these boards because we feel we have something to offer and enjoy giving advice while also seeing other perspectives on certain issues. We've all acted foolishly over guys in the past. Well, I know I can speak for myself. I won't speak for everyone.
Maybe this guy is just a nice diversion from work and school. Maybe you enjoy the whole will he or won't he game. Maybe the attention is nice. That's all cool, just be careful you don't end up hurt in the end. My two cents, I would leave all other doors open and would definitely not waste too much time focusing on him. Maybe you do have the doors open and do not feel you waste a lot time on him, remember, I don't know you ; )
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