Self-esteem
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| Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:05pm |
This is something that I've been thinking a lot about lately.
I have always had a lot of trouble with self-esteem. I admit - mine is fairly non-existant. And try as I might to let things go, I can't seem to boost mine up to a healthy level and was wondering if any of you had any suggestions or things that you do.
Background on me: I'm 35. I spent all of my teenage life and 20s about 70 pounds overweight. I never thought anything about it because I thought it was normal. All of my family is overweight and it honestly never occurred to me. As a result of that, I was always the "practice girlfriend." You know - the ones the guys went out with until something better came along. So I got dated and then dumped a LOT.
My first REAL boyfriend (I was 25) was an alcoholic and an abuser. And even though I left him after a year and a half, the things he said to me still stick with me.
I never went to college because I couldn't seem to get my head on straight and I wasn't interested in studying anything. My goals THEN were to meet a great guy, get married and have children. That never happened and at about 30 I gave up on that ever happening. Guys always seemed to see me as the "practice girl." And I began to realize that PART of it was because my level of confidence and self-esteem was very low.
So about four years ago, I began the process of remaking myself. I lost a lot of weight, I entered college (I'm a junior now) and I paid off all my debt. You think this would have helped my self-esteem.
But it hasn't. I still carry around all the nasty and hurtful things that people (men mostly) have said to me and I've become rather bitter and resentful.
So HOW do you get OVER the anger and the resentment of the crappy way people have treated you? I know it's not healthy to hold onto anger and resentment, but I'm not by nature a forgiving person.

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"So about four years ago, I began the process of remaking myself. I lost a lot of weight, I entered college (I'm a junior now) and I paid off all my debt. You think this would have helped my self-esteem."
See, I would have thought that, too. I can identify with almost all that you wrote except, I have not had the gumption to push myself as you have. I think it's fantastic, all that you have accomplished in four years!
Have you considered therapy? I keep saying that I'm going to find a therapist, because I struggle with the same issues as yourself. I just haven't made it a priority. However, I do think it would be beneficial to sit down with someone and weed through all the sludge from the past which seems to weigh me down.
I have heard somewhere that when you do for others, it boosts your esteem. Have you thought about becoming a big sister or getting involved in some sort of charity work? Do you have the time for such?
You've spoken of your boyfriend. I hope that he is supportive in this area.
**I'm editing to add, I adopted an 80 year old lady from church when I was just out of high school. Her husband died in his 50's and they never had any children. I would go pick her up almost every other weekend and we would just hop around town together, sometimes grab a bite to eat while we were out. I moved out of the area when I was 29, and slowly, I lost sight of what was important. She slipped down on my list of priorities. I honestly do not ever remember feeling as good as I did when I spent time with her. Honestly, I think my esteem suffered as a result of moving dowtown and getting all caught up in myself. I just wanted to include this as an attachment to my suggestion of getting involved with charity because I truly know that it works. It genuinely feels good to do something nice for others and it means SO much to them, no matter how small the deed.
Edited 5/10/2007 1:03 pm ET by cfk_3
First of all, congratulations on all the positive changes you have made and the milestones you have surpassed - that's wonderful! :)
I think it is a struggle for most of us in the world to truly get over those hurtful things people have said to you in the past - especially the ones that came during our critical, formative years. There are comments that still haunt me to this day.
I think the biggest thing to embrace and realize is that your inherent worth has nothing to do with your outward appearance, the level of education you have achieved, the family you do or don't have, or any number of other outward cues of "success." Your worth comes from within. I also believe human worth comes from being a part of something bigger (whether or not you believe in a high power) -- you are a unique creature among humans and have a special place in the universe. It sounds so cheesy when I say that, but I really believe it's true.
So, easier said than done, I think a big part of self esteem comes from sitting down and discovering what makes you YOU and identifying what your inherent "worth" is in those larger terms -- the terms that can't be decided or defined by society, by your peers, your family, the ex boyfriends. Those things that are YOU and make you so cool.
Think about this -- in the lives you have touched (those of your friends and family, coworkers, children, animals) what do you think they receive from you that has made their life better? Are you the one who makes people laugh, or offers that sympathetic shoulder, or gives a compliment at the exact moment someone needs it?
It can be any number of things -- the point is, I think humans want to feel that they have value, they matter, that they were noticed in the world. Believe me, you have been noticed and valued by the people who care about you -- now it's up to you to believe that and realize the special gift you have been to them.
Just one perspective. Obviously, my view is very centered on human interaction and that's something very important to me. For some people, it could be more tangible and less to do with people -- maybe you left the world better by solving some age-old mathematical problem, you improved your community by planting a garden, you created the world's best mousetrap. We all leave something behind, large or small, that matters or has an impact.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Oh, MAN, I can relate!
>Have you considered therapy? I keep saying that I'm going to find a therapist, because I struggle with the same issues as yourself. I just haven't made it a priority. However, I do think it would be beneficial to sit down with someone and weed through all the sludge from the past which seems to weigh me down.<
I have thought of this myself and am wondering if talking to a therapist would be beneficial. For a long while I was on anti-depressants, and while they cured the symptoms (depression) they did nothing for the underlying problem itself. I realize it's the underlying problem I need to take care of.
You mentioned volunteering. I have thought often of doing volunteer work but honestly, it's very difficult to fit anything in to my schedule with work and school. But, yes, I have thought about that too. When I DO manage to perform "random acts of kindness" I feel great afterwards but it wears off after a day or so.
My SO is supportive but I know he gets tired of me whining. He's a guy - he wants to fix everything. And his answers are so very generic - "Living a happy life is the best revenge." Yeah, yeah. :)
What I need is a memory-eraser. :) Anyone know where I can score one?
There have been a few suggestions on therapy, and I have thought of it myself.
(I know this *should* be simple but I've got to ask anyway) - where does one find a therapist? A GOOD one? And one that a poor working student can afford? :)
Thanks to all for reading my original long-*** post. :)
Self esteem doesn't come overnight, as you know, and takes practice. I think that you should be proud of yourself for taking all those positive steps forward and that in itself probably makes you feel good about yourself.
Some of the things that I"ve done to boost my self esteem and get over past angers is go to counseling, journal about the feelings that I've had to get them out of my system and I've been going to a self help group for 2 years now which has been a really amazing influence on my increased self esteem. It helps to talk about it with a trusted person to get all the crap out of your system. The more you get it out the more you heal. Another thing is to try to challenge yourself with something new and different. Do something that you are usually afraid to do such as go for a promotion at work, volunteer to do extra things that challenge you and maybe take up a sport or hobby that you always were interested in but never thought that you could do and prove yourself wrong. Overcoming challenges does wonders to boost the self esteem.
I also try to cut out the negative talk by "thought stopping" techniques and try to replace the thoughts with positive ones.
These are just some of the things that I"ve done hope that helps.
>...I've been going to a self help group for 2 years now which has been a really amazing influence on my increased self esteem.<
This is another thought I've had. Where did you find a self-help group? That's something I would also be interested in investigating.
I think you may be able to search for groups and therapists in your area online. I would just type in self help groups and your city and see what you come up with. I know that if your insurance covers certain groups of therapists, these therapists offices' sometimes have self help groups for women or they can recommend some groups in your area.
>...The self help group that I go to is cODA<
Thanks - I looked them up on the Web - they sound interesting. And I found a group here in my area that I can actually fit into my schedule!! I'll have to check them out.
Thanks again!
That's something I'm struggling with right now - I was seeing a new therapist that I didn't feel all that great about. My EAP at work set me up with a different lady, who was AWESOME...but she doesn't take my insurance, so I could only have two visits with her. But she did recommend one of her colleagues, but due to transportation issues, I have not yet made an appointment with her, so I'm hoping I'll get the title to the car I'm trying to put on the road soon (we had to send out for a duplicate over a week ago, then we found out today that the address my insurance lady gave me was no longer the correct place, so we have to do it all over again). Can't put it on the road without the title. :(
I'm not sure about low-cost providers...does your school offer any in-house programs for students?
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