Self-esteem
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| Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:05pm |
This is something that I've been thinking a lot about lately.
I have always had a lot of trouble with self-esteem. I admit - mine is fairly non-existant. And try as I might to let things go, I can't seem to boost mine up to a healthy level and was wondering if any of you had any suggestions or things that you do.
Background on me: I'm 35. I spent all of my teenage life and 20s about 70 pounds overweight. I never thought anything about it because I thought it was normal. All of my family is overweight and it honestly never occurred to me. As a result of that, I was always the "practice girlfriend." You know - the ones the guys went out with until something better came along. So I got dated and then dumped a LOT.
My first REAL boyfriend (I was 25) was an alcoholic and an abuser. And even though I left him after a year and a half, the things he said to me still stick with me.
I never went to college because I couldn't seem to get my head on straight and I wasn't interested in studying anything. My goals THEN were to meet a great guy, get married and have children. That never happened and at about 30 I gave up on that ever happening. Guys always seemed to see me as the "practice girl." And I began to realize that PART of it was because my level of confidence and self-esteem was very low.
So about four years ago, I began the process of remaking myself. I lost a lot of weight, I entered college (I'm a junior now) and I paid off all my debt. You think this would have helped my self-esteem.
But it hasn't. I still carry around all the nasty and hurtful things that people (men mostly) have said to me and I've become rather bitter and resentful.
So HOW do you get OVER the anger and the resentment of the crappy way people have treated you? I know it's not healthy to hold onto anger and resentment, but I'm not by nature a forgiving person.

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When I was in grade school I was the fat kid AND the brain, so the teasing would never stop. I was also the guy that was the boy friend and not the boyfriend. My job keeps me on a mental island most of the time and although it was 8-15 years ago, I still think about it a lot and it still depresses me. I really think I'll never get over it. Although I have never talked to a counselor, I have talked to a few friends of mone about it and it's good just to talk it out sometimes. The other thing I do is to dwell on the good times or do things that make me feel good. I excelled in school and playing baseball with my friends at my younger age. So I focused on that since it gave me a lot of pleasure.
BTW, I think most colleges provide full time counselors and therapists on campus. Seek one of them out
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