Selling out

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Selling out
32
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 6:47pm

I kind of realized something last week.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
In reply to: cl_shywon
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 7:13pm

Raised two daughters, one is barley 5’ tall and heavy, the other floats back and forth . . . not a conversation I haven’t had a thousand times.

What you are matters a lot more . . but directly to your point . . IF you lose weight for “others” it is silly. If you do it because “you” fell better, more energy, more pride, whatever . . .then it is a great thing. Like any random subject you could have chosen, what we do for ourselves, work hard at, and achieve as a result has great value.

To the second half . . the girl I have talked so much about . . she was by “standards” average . . .we cooked a lot and she gained 20 lbs or so . . .she had a huge issue with that, I hardly noticed. She even told me one time if she didn’t stop gaining weight she was going to leave me. (-: I never really knew if she was kidding our not.

Sooo . . . . . my wise words . . .if it makes you feel good, and you are doing it for you, drop the guilt and enjoy. (-: A good walk relives stress, gives you time to think, and if you lose some weight too . . icing on the cake, right?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 8:08pm

It's not that it isn't for me, because it sure would be nice to walk into a room and turn some heads.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
In reply to: cl_shywon
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 9:03pm

Look . . .I will be a bit serious for a moment. I am 6’3” and 180lbs soak and wet. The Marine Corps fed me till I puked, (for real), someday I will tell you the stories . . . . they could not fix it, no one can . . I have a small frame. At this age . . maybe not a terrible thing . . . but the fact is . . girls don’t droll over me or flock to me in a crowed room . . . so I get the concept. Skinny does not work for most girls. I have found solutions to it all . . .guys who think I will be an easy target, big surprise . . to girls who will at least give me a conversation . . I am a solid person. Think . . does it sound like I have been “alone” since my divorce? Just imagine if I had a “hot” body and some basic skills like we have discussed today.

So in response to a “correctable issue” . . . get over it. (-: I said just a while ago, give me the opportunity for the first few dates and from there things have a way of working out. So, you get those first few dates, that opportunity. Don’t wine. (-: And let me be the first to say, they will come with loss and disappointment. Working out is not always a “positive” thing, but usually the right thing.

My friend the designer . . she is hot by any standard . . she loves it, and hates it . . always sorting out the horn dogs from those who might be serious . . and frankly she does it poorly. She gets past the horn dogs ok, but picks some pretty defective men. She thinks it is a curse . . but also is smart enough to know every opportunity open doors. She gets to much attention, but she is a good person too. Know what I mean, she’s not a trophy type of girl. I don’t understand yet what she is missing, but I try very hard to help her as I would love to see her happy. Point is . . being hot is not being nothing. I have had friends like her most of my life.

The fact is if I could have the same frame my own son has . . . 6’ at 240 . . . Id grab it in a heart beat . . but I cant. If you can raise the odds, and feel good doing it, then deal with the added responsibility of sorting out the riffraff. I wish I had that problem.

I know this is a little different tone from me . . but the whole sell out conversation is poison I think. Just a way to hold yourself back from something you want for yourself. Zig Zigler would call that stinken thinken. (-: I truly feel you are treading on dangerous ground. You are looking for reasons to limit yourself. That is never healthy. Hmmm . . .

I had a recent conservation with a new friend regarding something I refer to as a “moral compass” . . .that thing each of us have to guide us in life. For some it is God, or Buda, or whatever . . .me, I am an atheist . . what I use is a simple mirror. What makes me feel proud, or ashamed when I look myself in the eye. Let me ask you, would 15 lbs . . up or down effect that for you? So you lose a few lbs and roaches show up . . .step on them, know what I mean? There problem, not yours.

I just think you need this serious moment . . slap since into you sort of speak . . it is this part of me that won the professor over . . life is not fair . . it just is . . so make it good for you. We all have that power. Lose weight or don’t . . .but don’t attach the “sell out” thing to it . . .such nonsense. Be yourself, peruse what you want relentlessly . . . and be happy. (-: Forget the “noise” society plants in your head.

Am I making any sense at all

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 9:27pm

To be honest, no, I can't really tell what you're trying to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
In reply to: cl_shywon
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:15pm

Hi Shy, I usually just lurk on the message boards, but when I read your post I had to respond. Unfortunately, I can totally relate to what your thoughts are. I am overweight, obese, fat, whatever everyone wants to call it. I need to lose about 60lbs, and I have tried diets and they have worked, but I am very self sabotaging. Like you I do not want a shallow man. If a man does not like me, or find me attractive at my current weight then there is no way in heck that I want to be with him. I am very intelligent, and I am independent and ambitious, and I worked my ass off for my college degree, so I do not want a man to fall for me because I can wear a size 2.

If/when I slim down I know that I will always be concerned that the guy I am with might dump me if I ever put on any weight, and unfortunately I am stubborn to a fault and again if a man does not like me the way I am think he go straight to hades. My other issue is that I believe I am very attractive, and I know that my weight is a huge part of why men do not want to date me. However, my other fear is that if I do lose the weight that I will get too much attention. I am what one would call a "good girl" and I do not want to go on thousands of dates, or play the field. I truly do want to find a nice guy who will make me laugh, love me, and treat me with respect, but as you mentioned how do you weed out the losers? This is why I know I end up sabotaging my diets because when I start to shed the weight I start to get more male attention and it scares me a little, so I end up "falling off the wagon", and I end up right back at my starting weight.

As you see your thoughts are not so random. I am 33 years old, and lately I have been taking a hard look at myself and making the realization that I need to decide what is more important to me - being alone forever because I will not lose weight just to prove how shallow men are, and because like you I do not want to become something I also hate - this in turn would show I am right - crazy logic isn't it, or losing the weight for me and trusting in the hope that I would be able to weed out the losers and find the nice guy that my low self esteem was previously forcing me to overlook.

I don't know if anything of what I just wrote made sense, but random as you think your thoughts were, it was as if you totally read my mind.

Rottie




Edited 6/14/2007 10:21 pm ET by rottiegirl74
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
In reply to: cl_shywon
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:42pm

Well, trying to articulate well in writing is always a huge challenge for me . . I have to flip to word, write, spell check, witch I often confuse . . .(-: Then cut and paste back here. (Marine . . .not collage . . barley did high school) ((-:

I think what I am saying is I feel exactly the same things you do. I am no stud. And to the point of this last response, be assured, some one will in fact be hotter, prettier, richer, more well established, perkier . . than you or me . . .or any other person who jumps in. And no matter how hot they are . . someone will be hotter yet. Again . . the girl I have posted so much about . . when I looked in her eyes . . I knew there was no place on the planet Id rather be. By “standards” she was average at best . . I would send a pic . . but she likely would disapprove. (-: She was not such a “large” personality as to “own” a room . . . but she was everything to me . . . I saw her just next to perfect. We all have someone out there that will see us the way I saw her. To find them we have to risk, and risk often . . .and take the scraped knees that come with it. I am talking about mine on this board, recovering some yet, but I am in fact taking those scraped knees and getting up and trying again.

Look . . .pressure, society . . bla bla bla . . . what is your happy place? Forget the back ground noise, what “others” say it should be . . .where are you happy? Know that . . .and things will work out. That is what makes me who I am . . . I know that much. I want to learn and grow . . be a better man, express my self right . . . But I already know pretty much exactly what I want, who I am . . .and could look into someone’s eyes again with absolute conviction.

Do you share that confidence? I question it only, and let me say it again . . . only because of the sell out conversation. Be who you want to be. We are talking happiness, not politics.

Did I still lose you? ((-: Thinking I might have.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 12:17am

Thanks for coming out of lurkdom.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 12:23am

Forgetting about society, forgetting about "other people"....so much easier said than done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
In reply to: cl_shywon
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 1:07am

I think I understand what you're saying because in some ways I've been there myself. Not hugely overweight, but not slim either. While it doesn't really hurt me that guys haven't obviously checked me out just because I walked into a room, it would be a nice lift, right?

But then you think about what if they DID obviously check you out? In a way, it's a relief that they don't automatically objectify you as a "good-looking woman" and only come up to you when they're truly interested. It's still based on initial first impression but it doesn't feel as shallow.

What if you won a huge lottery? Suddenly you'd be the center of attention and you couldn't help but ask yourself, "Would these people be seeking me out if I didn't have all of this suddenly disposable income?" That sort of attention would be based on chance of buying the right ticket at the right time -- nothing to do with real effort.

It seems to me like you'd like to your final weight loss to be like getting a masters degree or Ph.D. People would respect you, congratulate you, admire your achievement, be a little bit envious... and then go on treating you like they always have and you'd feel comfortable with the reaction; you're the same person you always were but you have an important piece of paper. Perhaps you'd also feel more comfortable with that achievement yourself. You worked hard at it, but would know that you were the same person you were before and that you'd never hidden behind the failure to achieve it as someplace "safe."

Looks, money, smarts: what does our culture reward the most? There's a multi-million dollar industry devoted to the beautiful people. People, US Weekly, E!, OK!, Hello!, etc. would be lost if they couldn't focus on physical worth. Those with money also get attention but it's not quite the same -- lottery winners might get their 5 minutes of fame, the talking heads interviews, and/or their own empires (but it helps if they're good-looking, too), and smarts? Even less adulation unless/until they've made money (but it helps if they're good-looking too) :)

Wouldn't it be nice if it were reversed? You're smart? Hurrah! You're going to help invent things that will make the world a better place. You've got money? Hurrah! You can help invest in the smart people inventing things to make the world a better place. You're slim and/or good looking? How nice for you.

OK, that last bit was really tongue-in-cheek and certainly I've simplified overall, (and gone on at length!) but I hope I made a point -- no wonder you feel like you're caving into society's weirdly stacked priorities. But if you feel better after you've walked and you like how you look in your clothes, then good for you! You're doing it for you and that's the most easily overlooked thing of all.

And if you made it this far, Hurrah! lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 5:14am

I was reading my way through the thread and a couple things jumped out at me, that I have to question, because I've seen them in myself:



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