Is Settling that Bad?
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| Tue, 07-10-2007 - 3:18pm |
The Single and Frustrated thread got me thinking, is settling for a little less than what you ultimately want so bad?
Sure, the big bold answer is a big fat YES. But I dunno. When I think of the times I settled and stayed with a guy who could never give me everything I want but did provide some companionship and laughs, quite honestly, it was WAY better than this: having NO guy for any companionship and laughs and sifting through the reject bin (I'm kidding) of the current dating pool looking for something. Something I'm not sure I'm going to find.
Now I'm not talking about settling and marrying someone but has anyone here ever felt like hell, its better than nothing. Right now I wish I had the option of having a little something with my ex, than the big fat NOTHING I'm getting right now.

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I guess it depends on perspective.
For me, I don't consider not having a man a big fat nothing.
I have a really, full, busy, enriched life. Having an SO may add to that, but not having one doesn't distract from that.
So, no, I wouldn't settle. Because I don't need to.
I've basically been doing this for the last six months or so--I've let go of the idea that any relationship I get into HAS at least have a high chance of leading to a serious LTR and marriage, and am currently ok with "settling" (although I don't think it really is settling) for something more than FWB but less than serious LTR--a "sex and companionship" type relationship if you will. I'm still open to a serious LTR and marriage but so many of the men I meet are just not interested in that and while I have a very full life with lots of fun activities and travel, I do miss having non-platonic male companionship.
But even though I've relaxed what I'm looking for as far as the type of relationship, I still need someone reliable, honest, etc--and that's hard to find. I've tried being ok with people who are flaky or dishonest and I just can't do it, even in a more casual relationship. So there's only so far I can go so far as "settling" is concerned, but that means I'm pretty much still looking.
Sheri
Yes. Definitely yes. The person you settle for is ultimately the person you'll get sick of in a few years. People have a hard time staying together and tire of each other even when they DO love each other, can you imagine what happens when they're settling? To me, every minute I spend with someone I'm only half into is a minute I could have met someone I actually had the potential to be crazy about. Life is too short to drink cheap wine, so to speak.
I thought I remember you saying you had a recent break up...am I right? That could definitely bring on such feelings....as I'm sure you know. :)
"To me, every minute I spend with someone I'm only half into is a minute I could have met someone I actually had the potential to be crazy about."
This is what I think I'm stuck on. The guys that I have dated and particularly the one I just left I was CRAZY about. Have really strong feelings for and really wanted to be with him. I know I did the right thing by leaving because he didn't have the same feelings back but dag, I hate that I've closed to door or ever being with him again. I wish I still had the option though I know logically, its not healthy for me.
So I'm out here trying to date all these mediocre guys I have no feelings for and it feels so blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I know what you mean. I know of a few girlfriends who have settled for the guys that can only provide a little non-platonic companionship and they seem to be having more fun than more. They're not spending all they're nights alone.
I know that's not the way to think but I'm the type of person that enjoys having a romantic companion than not. It adds that extra spark and thrill that makes everything else so much more enjoyable. I'm a sucker for romance.
ITA!
Well, settling is not okay. But I think there's a difference between settling and growing up. You have to be realistic. But if you're going to settle, be sure it's someone you like. Even if he's not your first or second choice, it's fine if you feel like being with him. To date just to stop being single is sad. I'd rather wait for someone I really like.
Single and frustrated, though? I can relate! I'm with someone I guess. But well...you know how to package looks better than the prize? Or the picture looks better on the box? I'm sure you get what I mean. *sighs*
Well... I can actually speak from experience on this thread! And I'll say this upfront - everything below is MERELY my opinion - I'm not asking anyone to buy into my opinion or even agree with it! It's just what I've defined for myself after many years of soul searching! Take it or leave it! :)
I've posted before about settling and ultimately I think it's a matter of how you define it! I think some people settle for a crummy relationship because they are afraid to be alone (probably not a good thing) - some people just come to realize that they've been carrying around too high of expectations for a relationship and potential partner and lowering those expectations to a realistic level might be considered settling - others might just want to finally settle down and all those components, others are searching for, aren't that big a deal to them!
While my BF is not my fantasy man, our relationship even has a number of components that aren't exactly what I'd like to have or not have and I could probably find someone else that might (for a time - key words!!!!) make me feel more "in love" or swept off my feet - ultimately I've come to realize that those things that made me think I'd "settled" (less frequent fireworks and sparks, rare animal-like passion, differences, compromise, etc. etc.) are simply components of a LASTING relationship!
And I guess just realizing that from the get go - that you CHOOSE to love someone (after those initial firework months/years or without them) - it won't always come easy (even for those that married their "one") - and there WILL come a time where this person you married won't look as pretty and shiny as they did the day you met them or married them... and some would say "move on - find something that makes you happier" cause we are always searching for bigger and better - you'll come to realize - yes, I settled! I settled the day I chose to be with you and only you for the rest of my life (for those who refuse to divorce - no, I mean REALLY refuse to divorce)! Not that that is always a bad thing but in that moment you gave up ever moving on to: different or happier or bigger or better!
Below is my concept of Happy vs Happier - try to follow me...
I've known girlfriends that have moved on from happy to find happier... and they found happier until they realized that happier was eventually just happy and they had to move on to happier again, etc. etc. (some girlfriends have moved on from BAD to happy/happier - which is a different topic all together in my opinion)
I also have girlfriends that have stayed and settled on happy - because happier might look all well and good - but eventually it would be "happy" too and then where are you!? They choose to stay and enjoy happy!
Let me say, I'm NOT suggesting you just marry someone to avoid having to be alone or because you don't ever envision finding "happier" from the get go! I'm just saying that "happy", which might be considered settling - is where 99.9% of relationships end up after 5, 7, 10, 20 years (except in those cases where happy isn't even an option)! So whether you choose from the get go to accept happy or whether you choose 5, 7, 10, 20 years in to it to choose happy! I think that is where the ticket is!
Otherwise... search for happier - I really do hope you find it! Those first few months/years of fireworks and initial infatuation are FABULOUS - my BF and I experienced them! Just be prepared for those initial emotions to fade into lasting, exciting-in-a-different-way, committed emotions - that can be just as fun if you let them be -and "settling" to love the one you are with, can be worth it! :)
I'm with someone I love, who loves me, who I laugh with, risk with, am vulnerable to and feel safe all the while! I'm real when I talk to people - we have our issues and our life isn't picture perfect together, we don't live in love lala land and we'd never describe each other as "the one"! But what I have is real, he might not be the man I always thought I'd end up with... but he's mine and that's enough - I've settled!!! :)
I hope you find what you can live with and SETTLE with him!!!
I think everything you said makes sense and reminds me that with my past dude, Iwent from happy to miserable because he just flat out pushed me to the back burner. If I werre just happy, I would have stayed. I also think it sucks that he was happy with me but instead of trying again with better communication, he'd rather move on and find something better. Good luck to him because I had everything to offer.
Right now I'd gladly settle for just happy. I'd settle for a guy that actually wants sto spend time with me. That would be great.
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