Is Settling that Bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Is Settling that Bad?
18
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 3:18pm

The Single and Frustrated thread got me thinking, is settling for a little less than what you ultimately want so bad?

Sure, the big bold answer is a big fat YES. But I dunno. When I think of the times I settled and stayed with a guy who could never give me everything I want but did provide some companionship and laughs, quite honestly, it was WAY better than this: having NO guy for any companionship and laughs and sifting through the reject bin (I'm kidding) of the current dating pool looking for something. Something I'm not sure I'm going to find.

Now I'm not talking about settling and marrying someone but has anyone here ever felt like hell, its better than nothing. Right now I wish I had the option of having a little something with my ex, than the big fat NOTHING I'm getting right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 2:24pm

I used to keep friends fr the dating reject pool - I could somehow still stay friends with men who were interested in me at least for a long period of time. For the past several years now I haven't been able to do that. I don't know why. Maybe it's b/c I have less tolerance to spend time with men I'm not interested in. I like to be alone or with my gf's more now. I understand your loneliness. When I think about the time when I could just call up a guy and we would have a fun day hanging out at his place or doing something outdoors, I feel a little regret for not trying to maintain those relationships. These days, my life is pretty passive, I go to work when I'm bored. My life revolve around things that are work-related. Luckily I have a career that allows me to do that.

Recently a guy I used to date emailed me and we connected again but he lives 60 miles away and we're both so busy that we haven't gotten a chance to get together (as friends only for outdoors stuff) - he's the only dating reject friend I have at this time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 7:40pm

Just to say I had a boyfriend/husband, I wouldn't settle. I would want them to measure up to my standards and not falture.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 9:45pm

I think each person's needs are different. Some of your girlfriends may be absolutely fine with settling for someone who is 'right now'. Other girlfriends may be able to the 'sex only' thing. Others yet are holding out for someone pretty special. You just need to figure out what suits your needs.

I don't mind being single now, but a few months ago I was an emotional wreck over it. I just wanted somebody, somebody to spend my nights with and to lean on. I had myself so worked up over it that I convinced myself that this lapse in dating meant I was going to be an old single woman with 50 cats. HA. Then I readjusted my attitude. I'm in my mid-20's and single for the first time since I could vote! I'm out on my own and surprised by how much I've changed just in the past year. I have 50 more years to be in relationships or married, so I'm actually cherishing this single life now because I don't know how long it will last. I'm learning how to be independant and truly happy without a man in my life.

Now don't get me wrong, I would love to fall in love with an incredible guy. But it has to be the right guy. If I'm with someone just for the sake of being with someone than I'm not being honest with myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 10:59pm

I absolutely agree with your attitude.

A year ago, I was content dating someone just for the sex or companionship even if I knew it was going nowhere. but one of my New Years resolutions was to simply walk away froma guy that lacks real relationship potential or if he wasn't really into me. I left my last dude in May and have been having trouble with my decision (cause I'm lonely and had no other backup plan) but I keep reminding myself that I did make the right choice and i need to stop settling for what I can get and hold out for a the right man for me, one that can't wait to see me, instead of one that pushes me on the back burner til he'd bored or out of options.

I'm at an age now (29) where I'm tired of just messing around, I'm looking for the real deal.

I guess I just needed another reminder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 3:30am
Read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book: "Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives." It's great. I just read it and it will tell you why you shouldn't settle for someone less than you deserve. It's not fair to either of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 6:47am

Never settle. You're too good to do that to yourself, it's not fair to you and it's not fair to him. Besides, if he 'settled' for you, he would always be looking for something better to come along.


I learned it's better to be alone and like yourself, than to settle for being with someone you can't stand just for the sake of saying, "I have someone".


summer 2010 sig by Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 10:40am

*The person you settle for is ultimately the person you'll get sick of in a few years. People have a hard time staying together and tire of each other even when they DO love each other, can you imagine what happens when they're settling? To me, every minute I spend with someone I'm only half into is a minute I could have met someone I actually had the potential to be crazy about. Life is too short to drink cheap wine, so to speak*

Amen cml7721, agree 100%! And i physically can not stand cheap wine! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:06am

The person you settle for is ultimately the person you'll get sick of in a few years. People have a hard time staying together and tire of each other even when they DO love each other, can you imagine what happens when they're settling?
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Hmm this is probably what happened between me and my ex.... so yes, settling for less is a bad idea.

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