The Sex

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
The Sex
15
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 8:00am
Yet another book prompted question!

Let's say that you've been dating a guy for four months. You really like him. He's funny, attractive- everything you've wanted. Then you decide to have sex and it's bad. Really bad. He just doesn't seem to know what he's doing. What do you do? Are you willing to train? Would you just decide to live with it? If you try to help him, how long would you keep it up before you gave up?

Is bad sex a dealbreaker?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 8:52am
To me, if there is chemistry and caring and commitment between two people, and if "we" have done everything but in those 4 months I don't see how the intercourse itself can be "bad" if with respect to foreplay he is caring and it gives me pleasure and I am inspired to give him pleasure. If it doesn't work so well the first time that is normal - but I can't see where the act would cause a breakup - what I can see as a dealbreaker is a man who is not fun, affectionate, warm, caring, in bed - and that has little to do with intercourse. Sexual intercourse just isn't that important to me - chemistry, well that's another story entirely. That is essential.
Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 9:17am
If everything else was going well, I think I would try to train him, but I'd try to find a way to make sure he doesn't realize he's not very good at it, but try to make him think that I'd just prefer things a little differently than he does them. It's so rare to find a guy with whom I get along so well, that I don't think I'd give up on him right away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 1:01pm
Been there, remember? Scale guy...had sex at the 5 month mark and it was aweful. I totally disagree w/Deena - just b/c we had chemistry and got along in every other way does NOT ensure great sex. (I've had great sex w/a bf I originally disliked...should have trusted that gut reaction there!) And you all know, I decided not to train him. Our wants in the bedroom were not compatible. He NEEDED lots of foreplay - I don't like foreplay. I didn't like his taste...I could go on but this isn't a Sex Board so I'll stop :) Those are things you can't "teach". To me, they just signalled that he wasn't the guy. If he were, I'd be marrying him this summer instead of his gf, LOL.

I'll add that sex is VERY important to me. It serves many functions. I suffer from some bad insomnia...sex is a cure for that. It relieves stress, headaches, gives me healthy skin, allows me to express my very physical nature, etc. I am very comfortable with my body - and all this adds up to my being great in the bedroom. So I need someone who feels the same way I do - otherwise I am always begging for it or compromising. I have no desire to be in a r/ship like that. I want someone who puts sex in as high a priority as I do...and if they do, they won't be needing any training at MY age ;-)

Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 5:21pm
never had that problem either the sex is amazing and the guy turns out to be an ass lol i would say it's worth it to train him
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 9:07pm
hmmm for four months i would have waited longer...but since the question is for four then.... i would still stay with him...sex isn't everything in the relationship. OF COURSE i would be willing to train him. hehe. it wouldn't take to long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 10:06pm
it might just make things interesting just guide him around and try different things out that you like he might just get the hint...it's worth the save if your got to the sex point i guess i'm not even sure how long to wait and have sex the guy i'm dating wants to take it slow???? oh and one point don't compare him sexually to your ex that might be you not opening yourself to someone new
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 12:38pm
Hello everyone - I'm visiting from the clashing libidos board. I saw this thread announced in "message boards central" or whatever the relationships message board homepage is called, and thought I'd join in as this problem is precisely what those of us on the Clashing libidos board are dealing with. The folks there are all married to or seriously involved with partners who don't suit them sexually, so I thought you might like to hear some thoughts from someone who's "been there".

Firstly, I suppose I'd clarify the fact that there are different sorts of "bad in bed." A partner might not have much clue about sex, as the original post proposes, but there are other sorts of "bad in bed" - a person whose preferences for sex are very different from yours (eg you like noisy energetic sex, he likes quiet and gentle) can be very "bad in bed" - at least, for YOU! Same goes for someone who wants much more or much less sex than you, or sees the role of sex within the relationship very differently from the way you do (eg: you see it as a roll in the hay, your partner sees it as a form of deep intimacy and an expression of love.)

All of these differences can make for a very bad and conflict-laden sexual relationship, even if the person is technically "competent".

Except for the person who is genuinely inexperienced, and who may improve quickly with "training" as some posters mentioned, the other sorts of incompatibilities are more deeply rooted in the person's sexual preferences and as such, are very resistant to change. No amount of "training" is going to make a person who doesn't give much importance to sex want it five times a week, or make a person who is very cautious and fond of routine into an experimental lover.

Most of us on the CL board are with partners who, like some of you say "are great in other ways" however staying with a person like this can cause a lot of pain and heartbreak. Precisely because they are so great it can be difficult to leave, but the changes you hope for or gently try to bring about in your sex life with this otherwise great person can be as elusive as chasing a rainbow. Sex is not everything in a relationship, but it can seriously blight an otherwise good relationship when the differences between you persist year in year out, with little hope of resolution.

I would say to anyone who finds themselves unexpectedly faced with a great guy who seems to be a bad fit initially in bed, to look at their undelying personality when assessing what sort of changes are realistic. If the person is flexible and good at compromising, or enthusiastic but just a bit cluless, you may have a chance. But a quiet person will remain quiet, an unenthusiastic, reserved person will remain reserved, and a dyed in the wool sex beast is not going to calm down after a few months. A controlling person who likes to have everything "just so" is not going to become relaxed and open to crazy experiences, and a person who says that "sex is not a priority for them" is definately to ber avoided unless sex is equally "take it or leave it" to you too.

At the end of the day, you have to beware of "falling in love with a guy's potential" - if you're not really happy with someone AS THEY ARE even if they never changed, then be very wary about getting more deeply involved with someone who is disappointing you or clashing with you in this very sensitive area of a relationship. Its tempting to feel that "if we love each other, it'll work out" but sadly this is not always possible when it comes to something as deeply personal as sex.

Just my 200 cents!









iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 4:07pm
From my own experience, I have to agree w/shywon. Sex IS too personal, too private, something that's between the 2 of your as people (we hope!), and if you've got problems there--whatever those problems are--if left unresolved, that's the beginning of the end.

I just ended a 13-mo marriage where sex became an issue. There were other, deeper fundamental differences, but the sex sorta became the next Big Deal. He claimed to have had vast sexual experience after being a "swinger" in his first marriage, but had slowed down in recent time. I on the other hand had lost a great deal of weight and was anxious for a sex life when my body wasn't in my way anymore. As things turned out, our sexual appetites were WAY off: he preferred to cuddle at night w/o sexual contact, when such contact would just emphasize what I was missing, and so I couldn't stand the contact w/o consummation. We had sex on our wedding night (very BAD sex, IMO), and he didn't come near me again for 3 wks; I had to bring it up to him to remind him.

When other issues surfaced that showed our vast differences (though he'd led me to believe that we were of like mind), the sex part just became more pronounced between us. After awhile I wanted no contact w/him at all (God bless vibrators), and we just sorta drifted apart.

The moral of that story is, what you see is what you get. If a guy is horn-dog hot for you, he won't slow down for you, and vice versa. If you can live reasonably w/what you've got, OK. But expect nothing, or very little, to change later on.

itsme

Avatar for secrets86
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 7:09pm
I've not had a ton of sexual experience, so maybe

my response would be diff. if I'd had a lot more

experience... but going off of what I know at the

moment, I'd say if I really liked this guy and we

decided to have sex and it was horrible, I would def

not break up w/ him. At least not for that. After

4mos I know typically I'd have a pretty good emotional

investment in him and care for him a lot. I might try

suggestions in bed but I think as long as the emotion

is there, it would still be great. Whether someone

orgasmed or not wouldn't be the hugest issue for me.

I've really only been w/ one guy who got me to orgasm,

the rest haven't... despite coaching (and trust me, I

know my body well and what I like lol) but it didn't

make any diff. about what I thought about him or our R.

There have also been plenty of instances where I was

"messing around" w/ a bf/guy and sex wasn't even in the

picture and those times were sometimes more fun than

full out sex w/ another.

So I guess that's my long winded way of saying, no, in

no way would bad sex be any sort of "dealbreaker" for me.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 8:24pm
I completely agree with you. There are SO many things that can make for a bad sex LIFE. It can be great when it happens, but if it doesn't happen often enough/too often/etc., that can cause problems too.

In the book I was referring to, the woman had wonderful sex with a particular guy who "didn't want a relationship." After that fell apart, she started dating a guy who just couldn't get it right. If you've seen Waiting to Exhale, think about the scene where one of them (can't remember which) is in bed with a guy- Mike, I think- and she's wondering if it's in, she can't feel it, and he's done and she doesn't even think it's started! That's what they guy in the book reminded me of.

I honestly don't think I could marry someone if I thought we'd have to work on the sex.

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