Short Story - Man Seeking Thoughtful Adv

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Short Story - Man Seeking Thoughtful Adv
12
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 1:27pm
I'm a 29 year-old single man, and I am looking for some thoughtful advice.

I currently live with two young women. I am pretty good friends with GS (to keep anonymous), we've been living together almost two years.

The other housemate, MJ, has simply changed my life since moving into our house last winter. Only in the last few months am I beginning to fully appreciate and understand how special she is to me. I could go on and on about her, but the key thing to know is that she simply makes me a better person. I totally believe in her.

Well, MJ has a boyfriend of about 10 months. The eyes reveal a lot in relationships, and I don't think these two people are meant for each other. However, I would never tell MJ this.. it's not in my place. And I am biased.

After living in this house for nearly five years, I am moving out next month. I've been planning this move for a while, but I admit the move-out date has been pushed up because it's getting more and more difficult to be so physically close to MJ, and know that she is in love, or at least beginning to love another man.

They've had signs of instability from time to time, and I can definitely say that MJ is not affectionate toward him. Though he is to her, to an almost smothering degree. People have commented on this. But I know she does care for him, at least as a good friend (they knew each other for a couple years before dating). Don't worry, I'm not kidding myself, none of this is any source of hope for me.

In spite of her relationship, MJ and I have a wonderfully progressing friendship. She has confided in me things that she won't tell others (including her guy). And I am thankful for at least the last 8 months and how we've been able to share so many things. I've never been this close to another woman (she's 25), even in past relationships.

My brother has always told me that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

In his own way, I think he means that women will let you know (unequivocally) that she likes you in a very special way. I guess it should be obvious even to the most challenged like myself.

MJ is very considerate with me, offers compliments regularly, and modestly flirts every once in a while. But she is an extrovert and a very confident young woman. I always enjoy our "playing", but I try not to take it too seriously.

If this intrigues you at all... what do you think of my situation?

- Steve

Pages

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 2:14pm
First, I must say that I think it is very wise of you to be moving out. Being that close to her I'm sure is very difficult. Secondly, I really hope you meant it when you said you have no false hopes. Reading your post, I think you do, but you know more about yourself than I do.

A lot of people who are unhappy stay together. It's sad, but true. I think that we wouldn't have such a high divorce rate if people didn't think marriage would fix things.

For right now, I think that you should keep in contact with her, but not often. Call to see how she's doing once in awhile so she knows she actually did have an impact on you, but by all means DO NOT tell her about your feelings. That only works in the movies! If something happens with the boyfriend and they break up, don't pounce on her either. I'd say that gradually increasing contact with her would be best in that situation.

In the meantime, continue to date other women. You may meet someone else who pales in comparision to her. You never know.

Good luck, and keep us posted on what you decide!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 5:07pm


if it was meant to be it was meant to be, well i dont think MJ and her guy were meant for each other but you are living woth to weamon so if you want MJ i think you have to make it clear that you are interested in her like (sexually, lovingly, body wise, in the bed way, etc). i think if she feels the same way she will turn to you , her one true love because if you will go online to ask for help to total strangers i guess it WAS meant to be...

good luck

dianne

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 7:16pm
I agree that it is good that you are getting out of the house. I'm not so sure it's a good idea for you to stay in touch with her. It may be that you are seeing problems in her relationship because you want to see them. It could be that she's someone who just won't show her boyfriend affection while others are around. There may not be the problems you think exist. I think maintaining contact will keep you holding onto hope, when there may not be any, and you might let other potential relationships pass you by. I think you'll need to do a lot of thinking before you can come up with the correct course of action for you. You'll need to weigh the pros and cons and make your own decision, but I encourage you to put some thought into it and not just make a decision to stay in touch with her because you hope she might be available for you to date someday.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 11:20am
All your comments have been very helpful.

I appreciate your taking time out to send a message.

Thanks. I'll keep you posted when I move out.

- Steve

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 9:56pm
Well, have you even tried asking her "out" on a date?? You, as the man, should initiate it. (My opinion, of course).

The problem with "If its meant to be, its meant to be" is that it cannot "be" unless you at least try to see if you can make it happen. Are you waiting around for her to ask you out??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 11:10pm
As a single woman I've read a lot about men and relationships. One thing I've read is that you can't push or pressure a man about commitment or expressing his feelings until he is ready. You have to get him to realize his feelings for you on his own. I won't get into how you do that with men - but I think you can try something similar here.

You need to get her to realize, on her own, her feelings for you. Have you talked about other women with her ? Have you talked about dates you've gone on or women you are interested in ? By doing this you can see her reaction and if she does indeed have feelings for you she will come to realize them and how deep they are. By talking about other women, it will also make her realize that she can lose you to someone else. It puts, sort of, a time frame on it without really pressuring her yourself.

I know it sounds like a game which we all try to avoid playing, but sometimes I believe they are necessary. Hope I've helped.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 12:41am
She has a bf, doesn't she??? I thought that was the case. If so, it would be completely disrespectful of her existing relationship to ask her on a date.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 1:33am
do not say anything to her about your feelings.

two words:

friend zone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 7:39am
She has a boyfriend now, so asking her out, or expressing any kind of intimate feelings is totally out of the question. Thanks though for the post!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 7:40am
That is great insight. Thank you..

Pages