Should I contact him or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Should I contact him or not?
30
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 6:29pm

To recap for those few who might not already know--met a guy at a dance, he asked me out once and then showed up at a dance camp (instruction followed by dinner dance) that I went to in April.  He was supposed to go to a dance I had signed up for the next week but didn't go--he texted me a few days later to say he was too busy that day.  I haven't heard from him since & that was May 1.

Friday night I went out with a meetup group and one of the people there was a woman I have known for a while who happens to be his ex GF (they broke up more than a year ago, he has had another GF since but they are still friendly).  She knows the whole story, so she asked me if I had heard from him.  I told her about the text--I had wondered if she had said something to him, but she didn't so I feel it's better than he texted me on his own w/o prompting.  She said why don't you just put your feelings for him out there and see what he says instead of being confused about whether he's interested in me or just likes me as a friend--that is so totally unlike me to do that.  I do not like taking the initiative.  My dance school is having a dance though on June 1 and I (along with some other women) are going to do a show number--costumes and everything.  I was thinking about inviting him but I really don't want to say that I'm interested in him--I figure if he just says no, that he's busy & doesn't suggest anything else, I can get the message w/o having it spelled out.

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 7:05pm

  Contact him.  The advantage is you can come clean and then see.  That way communication is better.  Many people do not "read" each other accurately.  Being assertive gives you an advantage even if he does not immediately respond favorably.  Forget the men like to chase it's a myth.  That is written by men who like to chase.  If a person cannot figure out what the other wants then there is less motivation toward any type of relationship.

Goldfish

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 9:26pm

I hate being in limbo.  Uncertainty drives me nuts! I also don't like being the pursuer, so for me I'd probably tell myself not to text him, then do it anyway.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 12:49am
I'm thinking if he was really interested in you that he would have contacted you by now. You could invite him to your dance and if he says he's too busy or he already has plans for that day, then I would probably take that as a hint that he's probably not all that interested in you. Good Luck
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 8:36am

I'm with Shywon on this... I can't stand living with the "what ifs", so I would contact him and find out. That way, you know where he stands, he knows where you stand and you can go on with your life, either in something together with him or on your own  path, knowing that the path to him has a brick wall at the end.

Channel the litigator in you to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 10:17am

I agree with you, Peaceyma.  I already know (from meetup) that he is running in a 5K race that morning too but obviously he could do both if he wanted to--there is plenty of time to rest in the afternoon since the race is in the a.m.  based on the fact that he doesn't contact me much, I assume he's more on the friend level, but then when I'm with him, it seems like he is interested, so it's confusing--I think he's trying to keep his options open, or as our mutual friend said "maybe he doesn't know what he wants."  

I had a similar situation with a guy who I had known for a long time but hadn't seen for years and then he originally contacted me about some business matter.  We ended up going out to dinner, had what seemed to be a great time, talked very easily, he said we'd go out again and then he didn't follow through.  I made a couple of attempts to get him to go out, nothing happened, so finally I just crossed him off the list in my mind--it was disappointing but actually made it easier once I figured out that nothing was going to happen.  If this new guy told me (or I figured out) that we were just going to be friends, I would be a little disappointed, but I could deal with it--I wouldn't be mad at him cause I do enjoy his company, so I'd want to keep him as a friend.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 10:18am

I see no harm in inviting him, but I would definitely not put your feelings out there at this point. What's the rush? If he does end up coming, I see that as an opportunity to be flirty and let your interest be known, but I don't think you need to say, "I'm interested in dating you, do you feel the same?"

I think most men don't need to be hit over the head to get it if a women is interested in them. You can allude to seeing him again ("John, I had so much fun tonight--let's do this again soon.")

I don't think women need to be completely passive about doing the asking. But think about when the shoe has been on the other foot, when a guy was interested in you and you weren't interested in him. Or, that you were taking a while to decide. You probably knew he was interested, and would him declaring his feelings make you want him any more, or hurry anything along? Probably not.

Call me old school, but I think that when a man is interested, he will make a point of seeing you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 10:19am

I think that's the problem with women who are in any kind of business that requires being assertive.  We are so used to being that way and it doesn't seem to work that well in relationships.  However, I'm too old to be playing games--I like to be honest & get things out on the table.  But I'd rather ask those questions in person or at least on the phone rather than emailing.  From my experience with emailing this guy, he usually gets his emails on his phone and his replies are very brief to say the least.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 3:37pm
But then again I'm almost 55 and have been married for 35 years so I have an old school idea of what dating would be about if I were to become single again. I guess I would prefer the idea of the man chasing me than visa versa, except of course if maybe the guy is really shy or feels awkward around women cause he's been out of the dating field for a while, which doesn't sound like the case with him since it sounds like he's had at least a couple of GFS in the last 2 years. Maybe you could invite him to dinner at your house and impress him with your cooking skills ; )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 4:32pm

Yes it would be nice to have a man who pursued me.  I can tell you that dating rules have really changed in that there are no rules!  I'm your age too--so when we were in our teens & 20's, it was clear that (at least most of the time) men did the asking for dates and the paying too--maybe the exception was inviting a guy to the prom at your school that he didn't attend, or I do remember asking someone over for dinner.

There will definitely be no impressing him with my cooking skills since I don't like cooking and only do it cause I have to feed my son.  I read this interesting book called Why Men Love B!tches and it says never to cook for a man in the beginning of a relationship cause it shows him you will do all the work and basically he doesn't have to do anything.  I feel like I would cook for a guy only after he has made an effort to take me out (and pay) a few times.  I think it's much less forward to ask a man to a dance that is a public event (and not even a one on one date) than to ask him over for dinner--which also gives the impression that you are going to have sex after dinner (although this guy is a really nice guy, so I don't think he would be like that but for a lot of men, if you invite the guy to your house alone, that's what they think you're inviting them for)--so I hope you never have to figure out what modern dating is like for middle aged people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 9:23pm

Hi

I am starting to change my mind alot about dating in 2013 and older dating.. There should def. be a different book and guru for dating after 50.. Sorry girls here over a certain age but we aint gettin any younger so what is the big deal of asking a man out or a man over for dinner.. How long do you think you have time to wait around and wait around when we are over 50.. REally?? Just ask him out or ask him over and be done with it and then when he doesnt bite move on........

Personally I am tired of High School chasing and doing this or that and if I have a man in my sight and the opportunity is there I will ask him out and forget all about what the books say and whatever else is proper... Geeezzzzzzzzzzzzz Time is short and life is short so what do you have to lose.. Dont let your ego interfere with what your heart wants.. He might be worried about rejection as alot of men have been in the past and now..

So if he says no you get your ego bruised a little but you are a strong independent woman and you will move on and on to the next man to conquer..

 

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