Should I contact him or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Should I contact him or not?
30
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 6:29pm

To recap for those few who might not already know--met a guy at a dance, he asked me out once and then showed up at a dance camp (instruction followed by dinner dance) that I went to in April.  He was supposed to go to a dance I had signed up for the next week but didn't go--he texted me a few days later to say he was too busy that day.  I haven't heard from him since & that was May 1.

Friday night I went out with a meetup group and one of the people there was a woman I have known for a while who happens to be his ex GF (they broke up more than a year ago, he has had another GF since but they are still friendly).  She knows the whole story, so she asked me if I had heard from him.  I told her about the text--I had wondered if she had said something to him, but she didn't so I feel it's better than he texted me on his own w/o prompting.  She said why don't you just put your feelings for him out there and see what he says instead of being confused about whether he's interested in me or just likes me as a friend--that is so totally unlike me to do that.  I do not like taking the initiative.  My dance school is having a dance though on June 1 and I (along with some other women) are going to do a show number--costumes and everything.  I was thinking about inviting him but I really don't want to say that I'm interested in him--I figure if he just says no, that he's busy & doesn't suggest anything else, I can get the message w/o having it spelled out.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 10:04pm

Didn't you two share a kiss?  On the lips?  Wouldn't that imply that you're interested?  Maybe I am confusing you with someone else or have my facts wrong.  I don't have a problem with asking a guy out, what annoys me is the "guys are stupid" excuse.  The thing is, if they like a girl, why aren't they asking her out?  It shouldn't matter if they know that the feeling is mutual or not.  If they want to take you out/get to know you better, they will, right?  They'll at least make an attempt, or so one would think.  Sorry, I guess I'm annoyed because of an unrelated scenario similar to yours(I was discussing with someone earlier).  I don't understand why this guy (again, if I'm correct) pulled the PDA out on you but then kind of left you in limbo.  I know this is my "stuff" not yours . . . Again, annoyed with another situation.  In the end, I think you have good judgment and are capable of doing what's most appropriate for you ;)  Good luck, whatever you decide and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 11:50pm

Well if inviting a guy over for dinner is also inviting him over for sex then I guess I'll have to pass on that if I become single. I have a 53 yr. old SIL who's been single for a long time and she says she has trouble getting dates because all the men her age that she'd like to date seem to be going after younger women. I told her maybe she needs to start dating men in their 60's or 70's then lol.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 3:07pm

I agree with you Music, about the inviting over for dinner. Many guys think you want sex, plus at this early stage, I think it's awfully intimate. And in the case of this guy, I think it might scare him a little.

I don't think the rules have necessarily changed with dating, or that it's that much different when you're older. It is different in that you aren't looking for someone to have children with, and you've already been around the block, so you may not be as anxious to get married. But otherwise, I think it's pretty much the same.

Yes, a woman can ask a man out, but I still say you can't hurry these things along. If you've gone out with a guy and expressed interest, then he needs to express interest back. If that interest isn't coming, then calling him is not going to help, I don't care how old you are. I just feel like it should be pretty obvious when two people like each other and want to spend time together. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 5:48pm

I agree with you FG--I'm not going to tell him I"m interested, plus I think when you don't know someone well it puts too much pressure to ask someone in effect what their intentions are.  I could get to know him more and find out he's not for me too--all I really want at this point is the opportunity to get to know him better & see if something happens so it's not like I expect him to know much more.  I don't want to scare him off by coming on too strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 5:52pm

You are right, CFK--when he left the bar we were at, he kissed me on the lips--it wasn't a make out but in my mind if someone is just being friendly & not romantic they kiss you on the cheek.  I told our mutual friend that and also that he asked me to take a walk on the beach with him and she seemed to think it was heading toward the romantic too, so I"m not crazy there--but it is annoying to wait a long time for contact--in my mind he can't be that interested or he'd keep in touch, so I'm not really getting my hopes up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 5:54pm

Yes there are a lot of men in their 50's who are interested in younger women--luckily they aren't all like that.  I'd date a guy in his 60's if he was in good shape & active but 70?  No way!  I know you're kind of joking but Sat. night I was at a dance with a friend & she was trying to avoid a guy she had met before who had asked her out--he's 80 and she's 56.  He actually told her he was rich--like is it good for a guy to basically buy a GF?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 7:45pm

I am bummed for you that this hasn't materialized into a dating thing, but think you have the right idea.  There is some reason he's not moving things forward, at least at this moment.  And I agree on cooking dinner for him, it ends up being suggestive even if that's not what you mean - that seems to be the same no matter the age.  :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 9:15pm

Not to mention being way more stressful!  I'm pretty sure that this guy wouldn't try to go too far, but first of all, I'd worry that my cooking wouldn't be great, then ok, it takes a little while, maybe an hour to eat dinner & then what?  I don't want to just sit around & watch TV.  I'd much rather go out & do something so I don't have to worry about making conversation for hours--with this guy, it wouldn't be a problem as we don't seem to have a hard time talking, but with someone else, it would make me nervous if I didn't know the person well--maybe that's why guys go right for the sex cause they ran out of things to talk about.  lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 9:16pm

Not to mention being way more stressful!  I'm pretty sure that this guy wouldn't try to go too far, but first of all, I'd worry that my cooking wouldn't be great, then ok, it takes a little while, maybe an hour to eat dinner & then what?  I don't want to just sit around & watch TV.  I'd much rather go out & do something so I don't have to worry about making conversation for hours--with this guy, it wouldn't be a problem as we don't seem to have a hard time talking, but with someone else, it would make me nervous if I didn't know the person well--maybe that's why guys go right for the sex cause they ran out of things to talk about.  lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 9:16pm

Not to mention being way more stressful!  I'm pretty sure that this guy wouldn't try to go too far, but first of all, I'd worry that my cooking wouldn't be great, then ok, it takes a little while, maybe an hour to eat dinner & then what?  I don't want to just sit around & watch TV.  I'd much rather go out & do something so I don't have to worry about making conversation for hours--with this guy, it wouldn't be a problem as we don't seem to have a hard time talking, but with someone else, it would make me nervous if I didn't know the person well--maybe that's why guys go right for the sex cause they ran out of things to talk about.  lol