Should I contact him or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Should I contact him or not?
30
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 6:29pm

To recap for those few who might not already know--met a guy at a dance, he asked me out once and then showed up at a dance camp (instruction followed by dinner dance) that I went to in April.  He was supposed to go to a dance I had signed up for the next week but didn't go--he texted me a few days later to say he was too busy that day.  I haven't heard from him since & that was May 1.

Friday night I went out with a meetup group and one of the people there was a woman I have known for a while who happens to be his ex GF (they broke up more than a year ago, he has had another GF since but they are still friendly).  She knows the whole story, so she asked me if I had heard from him.  I told her about the text--I had wondered if she had said something to him, but she didn't so I feel it's better than he texted me on his own w/o prompting.  She said why don't you just put your feelings for him out there and see what he says instead of being confused about whether he's interested in me or just likes me as a friend--that is so totally unlike me to do that.  I do not like taking the initiative.  My dance school is having a dance though on June 1 and I (along with some other women) are going to do a show number--costumes and everything.  I was thinking about inviting him but I really don't want to say that I'm interested in him--I figure if he just says no, that he's busy & doesn't suggest anything else, I can get the message w/o having it spelled out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 9:17pm

Not to mention being way more stressful!  I'm pretty sure that this guy wouldn't try to go too far, but first of all, I'd worry that my cooking wouldn't be great, then ok, it takes a little while, maybe an hour to eat dinner & then what?  I don't want to just sit around & watch TV.  I'd much rather go out & do something so I don't have to worry about making conversation for hours--with this guy, it wouldn't be a problem as we don't seem to have a hard time talking, but with someone else, it would make me nervous if I didn't know the person well--maybe that's why guys go right for the sex cause they ran out of things to talk about.  lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 05-15-2013 - 12:47am
That's funny. But I'm sure if he keeps looking he'll eventually find a 60 yr. old gold diigger if he really is rich. lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Sun, 05-19-2013 - 10:54am
Exactly true about your last line about men going to sex because they have nothing else to say. The brain, in the majority of male skulls, is only a secondary organ at best.
 
And yeah, I'm a guy. As for your original post, I'm chiming in late with my 2 cents but if the guy had been contacting you regularly or asking you out away from the dance group events, then having a conversation about being interested would make sense. As it is, you sound like a dance buddy to him, a person for him to enjoy meeting at these groups.... of which he isn't even at the point of showing up regularly to do.
 
This all could lead to something, but for whatever reason, he's not there yet and may never be. As in dancing, in this situation, it would seem best to follow his lead. Saying you're interested or home dinner invites would very highly result in creating awkwardness at best and less chance to talk with him plus push him to label you as a friend only.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 05-19-2013 - 5:02pm

wow JT.. that does make sense and yes it appears sadly to say after reading the posts again its the friends zone but kissing someone on the lips is friend zone ?? Maybe today in 2013 maybe?? If a guy kissed me on lips in front of people I would assume that he was interested romantically but then again its just an assumption.

So either this guy steps up to the plate or not.. Its been way too long in between dates so  either he isnt the nice guy he appears to be and is dating around or he just changed his mind or he sees other women. Either way life goes on .. OBla Di; O Bla Da...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 10:57am

I think you hit the nail on the head "he's not there yet."  I actually did send him an email (don't remember if I posted this before & I don't want to go back to check).  I just invited him to the dance--didn't say I wanted to date.  I didn't want to text him but maybe I should have.  I used the email that you can send through meetup which I have used before--I am assuming that it went through, but I am really surprised that I haven't heard anything back.  Worst case scenario, I just thought he'd respond & say he was busy if he didn't want to come.  Even our mutual friend (his ex) said that he's a nice guy and he wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone's feelings--another mutual friend that I know also says he's so nice--so this to me is not nice behavior to just not respond.

but then again, when he came to the "dance camp" event--I didn't know he was seriously thinking of going until the day before I got an email saying he was going--he never contacted me before that, so I wouldn't be shocked to hear at the last minute.  I dont' really like that kind of thing.  But I am assuming that since I haven't heard from him anyway on his own, that he can't be very interested.  If a guy is interested he wouldn't let weeks go by without contacting the woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 11:00am

Oh I wanted to add, JT, that we met at a group event, but then he asked me out alone--it happened to be for dancing but it was just the 2 of us--that's why it was confusing to me and I thought he was at least somewhat interested--it's not like he said to meet him at some dance where a bunch of other friends would be, but it could be only that he knows I like to dance & so does he, so it is more like a "dance buddy".  But the guys I am just friends with & dance with and we never see each other or go out on dates--I might give them a hug goodbye but I wouldn't kiss someone I am only interested in being friends with--to me, it would be leading the guy on that there's interest where there's not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 9:12pm

The More I read this and think about it; it sounds like this dance guy is looking around and checking out different situations.. maybe seeing who he wants to date.. I think that is the way to do it. Only thing women over 50 (sorry) dont have that option.. Men def. have more options than us over 50 women.. those are just facts......

I mean when I was much younger I had the pick of men.. I actually dated a few men at a time. Those days are over darn it I think???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 10:35pm

Yes it reminds me of when my grandparents, who were in their 80's, were living in some apartment building for the elderly.  Of course there were more women there cause the men die younger--the women would be practically flirting w/ my grandfather, who was short, bald & in a wheelchair--so that's what we have to look forward to I guess.  lol    Oh I think a 75 yr old man in my dance school likes me--he is always trying to hold my hand a little too much and last week in class he called me sexy--oh and besides being old he's also about 5 ft. tall--other than those 2 things, too bad, cause he's a nice person, interesting, also plays the piano like I do and speaks a few languages--but somehow I can't be interested in a guy who reminds me of grandpa.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 11:16pm

When I was single after my divorce (I was 46 at the time), I started going to East Coast Swing lessons and dances. I briefly dated a guy I met there for about 6 weeks. We had extreme chemistry, and he was very intelligent and had a good job. The problem was that he was addicted to dancing and when I was ending the relationship with him, he admitted he was addicted to the high of the constant supply of women at all of these dances. He said he knew it was temporary affection during the dances, but the excitement of seeing who would show up for the night had him dancing 6 nights a week for eight years straight. His only night off was Monday, and he would never ask me out on his only night off. He'd ask if I was going to show up to a dance and then I might get 2 dances from him for the night, as dancing with the same woman all night was boring to him.

I did various forms of dance lessons such as salsa, tango and swing for a year and a half. My observation was that the men who takes these classes do it to meet women, and I mean women, not one woman, or the man was gay and just liked dancing. I never saw a man and a woman meet and start a long term relationship at any of the events I attended. To me, it just sounded like this guy could be like the guy I dated. It sounds like he has short term relationships from what you know of his recent past history. You say he's nice, but kissing you on the lips was an uncaring action because it should've been a sign that he was interested in you romantically, but then just about ignored you. Mixed signals = a "don't go there" in my book. I don't know if you like the hiking, kayaking, sports, bicycling meetups, but maybe there'll be a different type of guy at those events. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 11:07am

Well actually I do know one couple who met through dancing and are now in a committed relationship--they are older.  From my own dance school there aren't that many single men so those would be the ones that I know well--one guy is 64 but everyone who finds out how old he is is amazed cause he looks a lot  younger, so he asks out all the much younger women, who all say no to him (and they don't even know how old he is).  Another guy is very shy and never asks anyone out.  so I have pretty much given up on the guys in my school. 

I can't imagine how much money you would have to have to go out 6 nights a week.  Most of the dances cost $10-$15 to get into in my area plus then if they are at places that serve alcohol (swing dances don't) you might buy a drink--plus who has the time?  I don't go out during the week and stay out late cause I have to work.

I don't like the sports/hiking kind of activities at all and I am beyond doing things that i don't enjoy hoping to find a man there. 

Oh the guy I met did date my friend for 2 yrs so it's not like he's incapable of having a relationship, but I am not happy with what he's doing now.

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