Should I return his phonecalls ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Should I return his phonecalls ?
9
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 1:19am
This is a long one but it's my first post so please bare with me ! I was friends with a man for 2 years and about 7 months ago we started dating. In terms of a partner he was everything I wanted (or thought I wanted). He works hard...is good looking...social...independent...knows how to have a good time...the sex was great...etc. Things moved very fast because, since we were already friends, there was no "getting to know eachother" phase. We never decided to live together but I was spending every night there and had my own drawers and a nice chunk of his closet filled with half my wardrobe. Everything was wonderful until a few months into the relationship. I suddenly discovered an aspect of my guy that I had never known was there before...a horrible temper. There were times where he apologised for it and other times where he was simply too irritated to say anything at all. He's a person under a lot of pressure but I don't see that as an excuse. Not only is yelling completely disrespectful in my opinion, but it's also incredibly distasteful when it's over something small (such as spilling something) or something that has nothing to do with me at all ! After about a month of putting up with being called stupid and being subject to other verbal abuse I was seriously thinking about cutting the strings to this relationship...only my ex beat me to it first ! We had a horrible fight (or rather he had a fight with me) about something that, had I not been at the house that day, would have happened regardless. He completely took his frustrations out on me, called me a stupid b*tch, told me to shut the **** up, and raised his hand as though he was going to slap when when I tried explaining that the situation honestly wasn't my fault and that he was being irrational. I was trying to calm him down before he did something irreversible but once he raised his hand in that angry manner I knew a line had been crossed. I packed my things, crying, and left. I really didn't expect him to call me because he is such a stubborn person but after 2 weeks I got a phonecall. I was on my way to a club with some girlfriends and was so stunned that I couldn't answer. A week later I got a text message apologising "about that day" (because he may have had a temper but that was the worst I'd ever seen it), explaining that he wanted to talk, and to please call him back. He tried calling again...I didn't call back. He sent me another text asking if we could at least be friends and to please call him...to which I didn't respond. He tried again yesterday and I still didn't answer. I don't think I can forgive him because what he did was so rude but at the same time I think I'm in love with this man. He's been pretty regular about trying to contact me every week or so and I know one day the calls and the messages will stop. Should I return his call ? What the hell would I say to him ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 1:47am
I once dated a guy who was far too angry and disrespectful toward me, it was tough, but I had to get him out of my life. All I can say is that sometimes...we fall in love people who aren't right for us. And if your guy had called you all of those HORRIBLE things and said such damaging things to you, then you did the right thing by getting out of there. It sounds like he has a serious problem and I seriously think it should take more than just saying he's sorry in order to get you back. He should take some anger management classes. He emotionally abused you...and even non-verbally threatened to physically abuse you. That is very serious. You should talk to him to let him know that he needs help and I don't think you should have anything to do with him unless he's taken steps to get better. You're the most important thing in this situation and you deserve to be treated like a queen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 4:48am

I think you should return his phone call. In the phone call you should say, "You have a problem. I will not tolerate being called a , being told to "shut the f- up" nor having any man raise his hand to me. Get some help. Do not call me again."


You don't deserve to be treated like that. NO WOMAN DOES.


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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 7:23am

Your (ex) boyfriend is obviously an abuser. It's verbal right now, but that can often escalate into physical, which you've already seen the beginnings of. Abuse is just not OK...either verbal or physical and I applaud you for leaving. Some women spend years with men like this.

His behavior is classic abuser behavior. They are always apologetic, "I won't do it again," "I love you baby" etc., etc. The big question is can he change, but I wouldn't wait around for that. If he's self aware at all, he should definitely seek counseling, but he needs to do that on his own, not because you make him do it (not that you're saying you want to do that).

As to whether you should call: your choice. You don't owe him any kind of explanation or courtesy. If you want to tell him off or seek closure by talking to him, then I say go for it.

Please take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 12:00pm
One of the personality traits of abusive people is the part that "sucks you back in". He made his choices, let him live with the results. Better him than you.
I say don't call. I dont see an up side.
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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 12:40pm

I agree. Close it out with him and after letting him know to not to contact you again then don't answer his emails, text msgs, IMs, phone calls, letters. No contact. Make a clean break and move on.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 10:30pm

I as with my ex for 12 years and now I am recently divorced.

My ex started the first few years with getting upset and screaming such as yours and used the excuses that he was under stress, etc. He even went as far as to tell me he knew he had a problem. Most of the items he was upset about were small, petty items and even personal things that he had problems with. I forgave and forgave. He continued to lose respect for me. In the end the verbal, emotional and at time physical abuse was extremely damaging to me. I lost myself in the relationship. It was also much harder to leave after building a life together.

My opinion is that no matter what the reason behavior like that can not be tolerated. As hard as it is cut him loose before you are in too deep.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 3:41pm
No way u shldnt call or even answer his calls, txt etc. If he already showed u that bad side then trust me there is more 4rm were that came 4rm! As far as bieng n luv i thnk ur jus confused...how can u possibly luv sum1 that doesnt respect u. RESPECT urself is key so u need 2 get away 4rm this loser ur much better than that and now is the time b4 it gets 2 late! Good luck!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2001
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 4:22pm

I was very compelled to answer your post.


I would recommend that the course of action you are taking not to return his calls is extremely smart. If only I had the hindsight to do what you are doing I wouldn't find myself where I am today.


I too was in love with a man who had quite a temper, and if yours is already showing these signs so early on in your relationship you should count your lucky stars you and stay well and clear.


I went through a pattern with my exBF that was similar. They like to move the relationships quickly so they can begin to get control of you. Next they will start to alienate you from your friends. They will have quick tempers and start off with verbal abuse to make you feel worthless so that you start to think they'll be the only person who will want to be with you. The verbal may move to physical abuse, and from the inicident where he raised his hand - it doesn't seem as though he is far from that.


To cut a long story short, my neighbors had to call the police one day after they saw an incident that frightened them because of the physical abuse put on me. I think I am a smart woman too. Honors degree from University, own my condo, traveled, speak another language, etc. etc., but not smart enough to keep away from him.


In April of this year I was awarded a 2-year protective order. The Commonwealth of VA took my exBF to court for domestic abuse, I was a witness and he was found guilty. It is only a deferred charge but he has to keep his nose clean for 2 years or it will go on his record. He also has mandatory drug testing, community pysch evaluation and anger management courses.

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 4:36pm
I would certainly not call him back, but would send a short text or email letting him know that you want no further contact with him. If he contacts you again, simply ignore him because you've already told him you want no contact with him. I can't see how a conversation could help. He might act nice and sweet and try to convince you to go back to him or at least spend time with him again. If you don't actually speak to him, there's no risk of falling for that act.