Should I take his advice?

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Should I take his advice?
8
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 5:16pm
A guy friend of mine recently read my personal ad on an online dating service and offered what he called constructive criticism. He thinks I should put something in my ad that shows a hint of a wild side because that's what he thinks guys would be looking for. Since I have only a small wild streak to me, I feel like that would be a bit of a misrepresentation. Should I listen to him anyway?

My friend also suggested that I be more forward with one guy I've been corresponding with. I don't want to come across as desperate and/or needy, so I haven't suggested that we talk on the phone yet, even though we've been e-mailing for almost two weeks. I agree that it's time that I talk to the guy, but I'm not sure how to bring up the topic without sounding too forward. My friend read through our correspondence and he feels the guy is interested and thinks I should come right out and ask him to call me. What do all of you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 5:20pm
ask your guy friend if he's willing to take full responsibility if you end up with someone who's only interested in sex.

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 5:25pm
I'll take that to mean that you don't think I should change my ad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 5:40pm
First,people that "date" on email are in real trouble. You have just your assumptions and projections based on what they said - which you have no way to verify their interpretation and definition of.

Second, if he hasn't initiated a meeting by now - he probably doesn't want one either. Everybody on dating sites doesn't want "to date, to form a relationship and find a committed relationship."

Lots of people out there HAVE A committed relationship and are looking for side action - they're plenty content NOT to date you, or meet for awhile until you're making lots of prjections and assumptions about them as individuals and then when you meet the expectations are unrealistic but they're overwhelming and you take action based on the fac that you "already know one another so well".

People are on there to find email friends...there's boards and chat rooms for that LOL! They're either on there to date and find a relationship - or they're on their to get some action going whether or not they're in a relationship.

Trying to entice guys that aren't like you - to answer you is never a good idea.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 5:47pm
If you don't feel the "wild side" is you, then don't change your ad. You want someone who's attracted to you *as you are*.

As for the other, I agree with your friend. When I was dating online, if the guy didn't take the initiative to propose a phone call or meeting after 3-4 emails, I would do so. If a guy thinks that's too forward, too bad! I'm not looking for a pen pal, I'm looking for someone who wants a relationship in real life. I know some people prefer to talk on the phone first; I rarely found that step helpful, so I would say something like, "I'd really prefer to meet in person rather than trying to get to know someone over email. If you'd like to meet, let's schedule a time to get together for coffee."

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 5:54pm
Don't listen to your friend. Men are looking for women who represent themselves honestly. If you're not what they are looking for, why waste the time?

Second, you're right- you need to talk to this guy. What I used to do was write that I don't think you can get to know someone over email, and I'd like to call him. I don't give my number, but I ask for his. If he won't give it, then it's time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 10:19pm
When it comes to internet dating I am forward as far as suggesting that we talk by phone - when the man emails me unless I have a question about him (i.e. his divorce status for example) I write that I much prefer talking to emailing and ask him for his number. I don't do the asking out, however.

As far as the wild side - I disagree - what I do go for is lightheartedness/a sense of humor - the men who emphasize a wild side or sex (i.e. since it is obvious that we all like sex if a man mentions it in that way I see red flags).

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 11:53am
Thanks for the advice. I agree with your suggestions, although I think I'd rather be called than do the calling. Where I live, even though someone is in the same metro area, it's likely to be a long distance call. I always tend to find men of interest across state lines. I'm going to let the guys foot the bill. There's always caller ID if I want to avoid them later.

I've also gone for the approach of trying to show my sense of humor in the ad, so I think I'm going to leave it as it is. My friend seems to think that mentioning that I go out to clubs would help attract men by showing that I like to go party. The problem with that is that I hate going to clubs, so it'd be a lie. Like you, I tend to see a guy's mention of sex as a red flag. I use Yahoo personals and won't even consider corresponding with anyone who lists "intimate encounter" as one of the types of relationships they're looking for. If a guy's even listing it as a possibility, that means he's far too different from me and is not at all what I'm looking for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 12:30pm
To me, the cost of a 15-30 minute long distance call is worth it considering the people out there who might keep incessantly calling - do you really need to risk that type of harassment? It only needs to be for the first call - or why not get a cell phone with an unlimited plan? JM 2 cents