Shy guys & the ratchet effect

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2008
Shy guys & the ratchet effect
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 9:56pm

Shy guys (me included) cause all sorts of problems in the dating & singles scene. I thought about it, and it seems to me like shy guys are responsible for a lot of unintentional negativity.

It's pretty common knowledge that in a crowded room full of singles, maybe no more than 1 in 10 women will initiate conversation with a guy, especially if he's hanging back and not doing anything, without even a drink in his hand. This is exactly how I behave in bars and nightclubs, which is why I no longer go to them.

A woman may in fact be interested in the guy, but she won't break the ice because she thinks there's something wrong with him (thinks he's gay or creepy, has autism or Asperger's, never went to flirt school, etc etc), or that he's not nice to be with, or she thinks it's against society's rules for a woman to make the first move.

So, our shy guy goes home, dateless as usual, and starts to think negative thoughts about women (they're cold, unloving, lesbians, etc etc). The negativity multiplies.

Online dating is the same for him: he puts up a profile and some photos, but none of the women ever initiate contact with him or even view his profile. I don't know if anyone has the exact numbers, but this is surely a major reason why OLD has never worked for some of us.

Meanwhile, back at the bar, our woman has been hit on a couple of times by PUAs and they're starting to really annoy her... so she goes home and starts to think all men are old goats. She didn't bother to break the ice with that one guy who was standing alone and looking around before he left early, either because she was afraid, or because she thinks it's against society's rules for her to make the first move. Then she gets this idea that all men are bitter and lazy, and, well... you can guess what happens then. The negativity multiplies. Nobody wins.

So, I don't think this post will change things very much... but it will be worth it if a few of us read it and figure out why it may not be so bad if more women made a point of approaching the shy guys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 10:09pm

I was with you until your last paragraph--your conclusion could also be that it should mean that shy guys should try to take the initiative & actually talk to some women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 10:48pm

I agree with Music and would like to add that you know that saying.. Fake it till you make it.. Well? You need practice in this like Music said and practice makes perfect. Also Rome wasnt built in a day so cut yourself some slack and get out there and try ..

Of course there will be rejection but men are natural hunters so if you are not doing your man part then women might not respond.

You can smile and flirt and act all nice and hey if you see a woman you like send a drink over to her.. If that doesnt work send a drink to another woman.. Sooner or later someone will respond ..If you dont like bars then try a cafe, a bookstore, a coffee shop; a sports game. Dave and Busters.. Just get out and practice..

I know some women who like shy guys so as far as I am concerned you are still in the running.

Now go out to the grocery store or the library tommorrow and start smiling and flirting and saying hi to all types of woman ..

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 1:28am

I say ManUp or get online.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2008
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 3:39am

Don't get me wrong, there ARE plenty of women who make the first move, and I've had genuinely fascinating conversations with them (including the handful of very short ones who tried to be smarta$$es by walking up to the dumb giant and cracking wise to him---FYI you can't impress a guy and insult him at the same time), but they've all happened at singles meetups, never in bars or nightclubs.

But boy, you should hear singles who still try to do things the old-fashioned way describe meetups... they've obviously never been to one. Apparently singles meetups are nothing but all-male pity parties---imagine that! :smileylol: I think the women who comprise the majority of Singles Who Make Things (you can look it up) would beg to differ with them.

My only regret is that there was no internet 25 years ago, much less meetup groups.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 7:22am

I agree with the previous posters, especially Mark.

With all due respect, from reading all of your posts, I just want to say: lighten up. It seems to me you are reading way more into all of this than is actually there. You take every "slight" as a huge rejection, or that women are cruel and heartless, and if only they would give you a chance, etc. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and waiting for women to approach you for crying out loud. It's just not typically done that way. Get over it.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 8:17am

I had a reply typed up last night and lost it, but I basically said the same thing as Music, Mark, and FG.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 9:36am
Wow, good job, Marty! I don't think I've ever seen a string of such unified opinions by everyone who posted on it. You've brought the board together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 11:11am

I don't know whether you're being sarcastic or not about meetups being all male--the ones I've been to (which aren't for dating or singles per se) are predominantly female--it's a gold mine for guys.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 3:10pm

I went out, sometimes, three, four times a week when I was in my 20's.