Shy guys & the ratchet effect
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|Tue, 02-14-2012 - 9:56pm|
Shy guys (me included) cause all sorts of problems in the dating & singles scene. I thought about it, and it seems to me like shy guys are responsible for a lot of unintentional negativity.
It's pretty common knowledge that in a crowded room full of singles, maybe no more than 1 in 10 women will initiate conversation with a guy, especially if he's hanging back and not doing anything, without even a drink in his hand. This is exactly how I behave in bars and nightclubs, which is why I no longer go to them.
A woman may in fact be interested in the guy, but she won't break the ice because she thinks there's something wrong with him (thinks he's gay or creepy, has autism or Asperger's, never went to flirt school, etc etc), or that he's not nice to be with, or she thinks it's against society's rules for a woman to make the first move.
So, our shy guy goes home, dateless as usual, and starts to think negative thoughts about women (they're cold, unloving, lesbians, etc etc). The negativity multiplies.
Online dating is the same for him: he puts up a profile and some photos, but none of the women ever initiate contact with him or even view his profile. I don't know if anyone has the exact numbers, but this is surely a major reason why OLD has never worked for some of us.
Meanwhile, back at the bar, our woman has been hit on a couple of times by PUAs and they're starting to really annoy her... so she goes home and starts to think all men are old goats. She didn't bother to break the ice with that one guy who was standing alone and looking around before he left early, either because she was afraid, or because she thinks it's against society's rules for her to make the first move. Then she gets this idea that all men are bitter and lazy, and, well... you can guess what happens then. The negativity multiplies. Nobody wins.
So, I don't think this post will change things very much... but it will be worth it if a few of us read it and figure out why it may not be so bad if more women made a point of approaching the shy guys.