shywon: this post is for you but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
shywon: this post is for you but...
11
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 11:43pm
...other people are welcome to comment.

My post to you has two parts. The first part is re. our mutual problem with a man we've encountered online. After some thinking and pondering the advice of others, I have decided that I'm not calling or otherwise contacting M anymore - my M - not yours LOL.

For those who don't know, both shywon and I have spoken on the phone with men we've met via online dating. Despite obvious interest, neither guy is making a move to actually meet us in person. Anyhow, I've realized that this really is quite ridiculous. Sure - it's a little scary but is it really such a big deal to meet someone for an hour over a cup of coffee? Why do online dating if you're not acutally going to meet the person?

So, I've decided that the ball is in his court. I have already told him that I'm interested. Now it's up to him to decide what he's going to do about it. Now, I know that your M was going to come see your volleyball game. If he did - well woohoo! If not - then maybe it is time to just leave it alone. What do you think?

Okay - the second part of my post. I was lurking on another board and some "words" were exchanged on one particular thread. The reason...one poster commended another poster for the advice that she gives (in general). The OP became miffed and said that topics that are not directly related to her problem should be posted in a new discussion. Anyhow, I then realized that you (shywon) started a thread asking us to share something we did that we're proud of. Well, that thread went off topic for a while and I believe that I might have started that. So...I apologize if I "stole your thunder."

So, shywon - I'll be looking forward hearing an update from you re. M.

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 8:01am
I guess I don't understand what the point is of having more than one conversation with someone you met on line unless after the first conversation it is established that you will meet on a particular day or - if people need to check schedules, within a group of days - and the second conversation is to chat a little more but mostly to confirm the plan. I personally wouldn't want someone I'd never met coming to see me at a game, because if he is unstable or "off" then he knows where to find me and has met some of my friends as well.

I've probably spoken to close to 40 men in the last month - met about 15 - and if the conversation was going well, one of us would bring up meeting, and we would make firm plans or talk that one more time. For those who didn't seem that interested, after 10-15 minutes I would say - well I have to go now - you have my number if you ever want to meet. I guess I see on line - as opposed to meeting at a party - as more "business" and "structured" - my only purpose in talking to this person is to see if it makes sense to meet for an hour in a public place - I can figure that out in, at most, 15-20 minutes - and if he cannot - I am ok with talking one more time, but that's it - I don't see it as hinting around to ask out -- like in a non on line situation - I see the only purpose of the call as to decide whether to meet - otherwise there is no true way to get to know each other in the context of seeing if a romantic relationship will develop. Just my thoughts.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 8:21am

I think that if this guy isn't moving towards meeting, you're doing the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 11:32am
he's worried that you won't like his hair???

wow, shy, sounds like you got this one locked tight... ;-)

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 12:17pm

Hey, what can I say? I'm a catch! ;)


I think he's more worried that I won't like his lack of hair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 12:38pm
I guess I disagree with your view about him - if it were me I would see it as a game - he is calling but yet not making firm plans to meet you - even if he said he would meet you next Wednesday night at 8PM that would be something and then if he called every night at least you would both know about the plan - this way, he is keeping you at bay by not making plans to meet and extending the fantasy aspect of "getting to know each other" on the phone - he says he likes you but his actions say that he doesn't like you enough to overcome whatever issue he has about actually meeting you. If you enjoy talking to him that's cool - and it is not a mistake unless you find yourself getting at all attached or having expectations about what he will be like in person. I also don't think you're being too available because I honestly don't think he truly is available for anything other than a harmless and fun phone flirtation. You deserve someone who takes the initiative, asks you out and keeps the plan and doesn't string you along with these constant phone calls.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 1:10pm

Deena, I can see where you're coming from, and if I thought he was just stringing me along, I wouldn't still want to talk to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 1:17pm
how long's it been now since you "met" him online?
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 1:35pm

Umm...I'm not sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2002
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 8:46pm
Shyness is the reason he won't meet you? Shywon, that just doesn't ring true for anyone involved in online dating. Your descriptions of your phone conversations make me think you are developing an opinion of him which can only be based on incomplete information. Stop talking to him. Just tell him you and he need to set a date when the two of you can meet. Stop wasting time, because that's what you are doing. You want to date someone, not chat on the phone endlessly and for no purpose. I've been posting on the 30 and up Singles board for several months now, so I know I sound a little harsh here, but it just seems so odd to read about all the phone conversations you and he are having in which he alludes to meeting you at some point in the future, but he keeps putting it off. Why? I don't believe it's shyness.

The fact is you may not like him AT ALL when you meet him in person. Better to know sooner than later, Shywon. Talking to a stranger on the phone every night without firm plans to meet just seems completely pointless to me. You can say it's fun and you are becoming friends, but you don't really know him and can't know him until you meet.

Ava





Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 11:17pm

You are certainly welcome to your opinion, but you are assuming things about me that are not true.

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