Single for 2 more months...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Single for 2 more months...
10
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 3:09pm
I'm about to get married in a couple of months and I just sometimes find myself thinking what it would be like to be single again. I don't necessarily like the "single" lifestyle all the time but when I go out w/ girlfriends I find myself looking at other guys and flirting a little. I like the attention but when if they actually approach me I get uncomfortable and turn cold. I don't want to be w/ anyone else. Before this man and the boyfriend I had before him, I partied a lot. My girl friend and I went out evey Saturday and had a blast!! We went to the same bars and had a core group of people we'd hang out with. She and I always seemed to meet guys and have fun. Then I began to not enjoy going out like that and I guess I started settling down. My fiance is amazing and does not mind at all if/when I spend time w/ the girls. I just got back from Vegas w/ my friend and we had an amazing time. I hadn't spent much time w/ her in months so this was perfect. When I was there I just really let loose and we went all out. The memories I have of that trip are incredible.

Sometimes I see my single friends out talking to guys and wanting to meet them. I also know that I meet people very easily and could date a lot if I wanted to. But I don't, that's the thing. I guess I'm just confused or maybe feeling like b/c I'm getting married I shouldn't want to see what it's like on the other side. I already know but I like the attention from time to time. Can anyone relate?????

K

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 11:01pm
I don't think I can relate, because I'd really like to be in your shoes right now- great man, marriage on the way.

Have you talked with your fiance about how you feel? Maybe part of you feels like that fun stuff with your friends may end once you're married. If you haven't discussed going out after marriage with him, I'd strongly suggest it. Could it be that maybe you feel like he's losing that "spark" you feel at first? Do you miss that? Have things become stale in the relationship?

I don't know if any of these things are true, but they are the things I can think of right now. Let me know if anything sounds feasible!

Avatar for poetic_guy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 10:09am
I can totally relate.

After a very serious relationship ended 3 years ago I decided to date casually and I sure did, I am almost embarrassed to say just how casually, it was the first time I had ever done anything like that, on one hand it was fun and an adventure, I did learn allot but ultimately shallow. I found I was always on the prowl,I was also hooked on the whole meeting someone, discovering each other and the rush of romance and attraction. Not to mention the sex, I learned allot there as well.

So when I finally met Ms right and I knew she was MS right, I had to straighten up and fly right, it was my choice, its what I belived in, she was everything I was always looking for, I had successfully been in a Long term monagamous relationship for over 10 years in the past so I knew I could do it again . But man was it tough, I felt like an addict in withdrawl, I would flirt, see that intial spark of attraction, I would start a new job or meet a new group of people and I wouldnt deny that I was in a relationship if asked but I wouldnt go out of my way to make it known. When I met Ms right I had not quite let go of the others I rationalized by saying it was new and it wasnt serious.

Most go cold turkey which is the way to go but what I did was a slow withdrawl, I did cut off the others, I decided I was serious with Ms right. I put my GF's picture on my desk at work, I would be friendly but not flirt and I also cut off opporotunities to meet single people, why invite trouble ? I hung out with my GF rather than go out with my single guy friends. So yeah its hard and I miss it but I would never go back, when you make a choice, when you make a big change it is, it should be for the ultimate good, you may actually be happier overall but that doesnt mean there are some things you will miss or have some small regrets but thats what discipline and choice are all about.

Actually I use my powers for good, to help others here on ivillage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 12:30pm
wow, it's really nice to hear you share about your experience! If only more men could take such an approach of self-realization and willpower...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Fri, 06-27-2003 - 1:38pm
just have to tell you that i LOVE your username!!! and the face, fantastic! (how do you get those icons next to your screename though???)

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 06-27-2003 - 3:07pm
Thanks Kim!!!

To get an icon, click on Board Settings. The pop-up screen allows you to pick an icon, set your time-zone, and decide if people can email you. =)

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-27-2003 - 4:03pm
I was wondering about the icons too. Thanks for the instructions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 06-27-2003 - 4:49pm
Coming from lurkdom - - - -

I can relate. A little bit.

I'm engaged. And I was married once before.

The thing about getting married, it doesn't change who you are. At all. And if it does - then you aren't being genuine to yourself and you'll probably change so much that your husband will look at you with sadness and think to himself "Who is this woman? What happened to the girl I fell in love with?" (Such a common event in marriage that for some reason no one ever talks about!) and one day you'll look in the mirror and think the same thing.

Guess what, though? I have a great fiance, 2 kids (one of them is his), a great home, a great job, and a GREAT set of girlfriends (lots of them are still single). I still go to Vegas (well, I live in Vegas - so it's a little different! LOL), I still have girls' nights out, I still flirt, I still go to San Diego alone to chill with my best friend, but the thing is - I ALWAYS come home to my honey. And home with my honey is where my HEART is. Even when I'm not with him and having a great time - I'm thinking of him. I'm loving him and missing him and thinking this cute guy that I'm talking to isn't HALF the man he is. Fact of the matter is, if I were single, I could date a different guy every night. But I'm not - and I don't want to be. The chase and the initial spark is fun - but so is investing time in a great relationship that is more than just fun - it's companionship, support, love, tenderness and a partnership.

Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding! Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 2:20pm
thanks!! i will try it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 2:24pm
Wow that's really great! It sounds like something that I'd be writing in a few months to someone w/ my same concern, or at least hope to!!

So you live in Vegas? How often do you go to the strip? It's a city that people never thinking of anyone living in, you know? I'm sure you hear that a lot.

Well it sounds like you're doing very well and that's very reasuring! Thanks again. :)

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 4:25pm
I just broke up with my fiance two months ago. I was feeling the exact same thing you were feeling while I was with him. I felt like there were so many guys that I was missing out on and so much excitement that I wasn't a part of anymore. I was itching to go out, flirt, drink have a great time. Well unfortunately now I am doing it and once again I remembered why it was that I wanted to settle down in the first place. There's nothing better than going out and having a great time but having someone to come home to at night or at the end of the day. I thought I wanted to be single - but I really didn't. I would give up all the partying and meeting guys to spending time with a person I truly love in a second. There is just no comparison. It might seem like the grass is greener on the other side, but ironically most of the single people out in the clubs and bars are wishing to find someone so that they don't have to go to those places anymore. Just a thought.