Single at 50 ... trying to figure out 50 year old men lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Single at 50 ... trying to figure out 50 year old men lol
10
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 7:58am

Hi all,

Not really sure WHERE I should start this discussion.  If there is a better board for it .,.. direct me there please!

Here's what my problem is and I think I really need help!

I am in my early 50s, very healthy and still sexy as can be (or so the men tell me), active and self-sufficient single woman.  I actually was here on this board several years ago when I met the man I still believe is my soul-mate but due to his inability to quit being so aggressive with everyone I broke off that relationship 3 years ago even though I still loved him. So here I am, actually wanting to date again and possibly get in a relationship (I have NEVER been single for longer than a few months since my late teens).

For the last couple of years, I have dated or met about 5 different men, all in my age group (50+) and tried to see if there was anything there.  The first one, tried to move in with me after about 2 months and that didn't work out, I didn't love him yet and I wasn't going to live with someone I was not in love with. Since then, I tried dating or meeting men (there have been 3 total) my age and found that they are all like, 'wow, why didn't I ever meet you before, you are so beautiful' and so on, then I wait for them to call or text me again and they never do. If I reach out to them, they respond and want to get together again. 

I don't need someone to take care of me ... but I would like to have an adult relationship again. I do admit that I haven't tried very hard to do this over the last few years but now I want to get out there. 

I have to say that it is disappointing to me that the man is not making the effort to get to know me better.  I also have noticed that younger men (mid-30s to early-40s) are always hitting on me whereas the men I actually want to date (50+) don't try at all.  Is this something that happens as men reach 50?  They lose all confidence in themselves? I am now considering lowering my age limit since I actually do look a lot younger than I am in the hopes that I will find a man that doesn't expect me to initiate all the contact.  Should I start looking at these younger guys and responding more to them?  I just don't understand what is going on in the heads of the men that are 50+ anymore. Sad because I have met a couple that if they were just a tad more aggresive they would have had their hands full ... of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Hi there;

I dont know where everyone is .. I am guessing at work (lol)......... We have a great CL here and welcome to the insanity oops meant singles board..

I am just a regular member on ivillage and found myself here a few years ago because we have such a fun and interesting group of singles of men and women of all different places in their lives and different ages.. I am probably the oldest at 58 and female. I know I know I s hould be writing on the knitting board but I like the people here and get very good feedback and its fun.. I like everyone for the most part but I dont know if they like me.. (oh; well) I find comfort here no matter what topic and I feel safe to post about singles stuff and off topics.

Anyway.. I am divorced twice and been out in singles scene since 2008 and I am alone and seems in this day and age its tough to find someone decent.. I had been doing some OLD for a bit but that has drastically slowed down.. Havent had a date since last sept. of 2011..... So I am maybe hoping I could meet someone but at this age now unless I get some divine intervention or do an excorcism  I think meeting someone is a done deal for me.. Although there is hope I have given up and men have given up on me..(lol)

So in answering your question.. IMHO I think men who are like 50ish want younger women or they have baggage and cant be bothered or I have no clue what is going on..Its a dog eat dog world out there and its nutty and like I said no clue..

Consider yourself one of the lucky ones who found dates and men and maybe you can tell us how you do it because most of us on this board have no idea or clue as how to find a decent person.. There are some people on here who have relationships and other than making fun of us singles I have no idea why they are here ( ha ha)

Well. stick around awhile and hang out and teach us and learn from us. Its all good most of the time.

Take Care

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

 

Your name sounds very familiar! :smileyhappy:

I'm not single but have been posting here forever, started when I * was * single which is years ago now.. am being tolerated on this board.. (I hope) :smileyembarrassed:

I kind of remember your story.... can I ask, what do you mean when you say that he was too 'agressive with everyone'?

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001

Hey Tami- I have to say- I'm 35 and have the exact same experience!  They'll be all lovey when they meet me, then not follow through.  I haven't dated anyone seriously for over five years.  There have been sprinklings of men over those five years, but nothing that really developed.  I finally gave in to someone about a year ago who seemed to just want sex, but I'm growing tired of that whole situation.  I haven't seen or talked to him in about a month.  He has always been a "on my terms" kind of guy, and that annoys me.  Anyway...I wanted to say that I don't think it's specific to your age group.  I do think far more men expect us to be the ones to approach, ask out, initiate, and basically take charge of a relationship while they sit back and do nothing but enjoy.  I just can't tolerate that kind of guy!!  The assertive ones know they have an advantage so they hop around from woman to woman, enjoying the attention.  I also attract much younger men- mostly the 24-25  year olds.  I do look younger, but not that much younger!  They don't want to settle down either.  My clock is ticking- loudly- and it's very frustrating!

I just wanted to say- I hear ya- and you'll fit right in here!

 

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

I'm 58, and I'm not sure men are necessarily different in this age bracket. I don't know that you can generalize based on such a small sample of men. Are you meeting them online?

My problem is that I just don't meet many men who are even remotely dateable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Welcome to the not-fun world of dating over 50.  Well, first of all, I have never been one that attracted tons of men, even when I was younger, but I have been married twice so that took me out of the dating world for a long time.  when I got div. from 1st DH, I was about 40 and didn't have that much trouble finding dates through OLD but none of them really worked out.  So when I got div, from 2nd DH, I was about 50 and I was surprised that it was so much harder to get dates.  I don't really look much older and I figured that in one way it would be an advantage since my kids are grown up now.

I do get what you mean about men not wanting to pursue.  I have one friend and I have given major hints that I am available, all for nothing.  We both know the other one is looking.  If I (or some other friend) invites him to go out for drinks he'll come & be happy about it, but he never initiates anything--yet I see him on OLD all the time.  My friend has also seen him in the local club for middle aged people and she says he walks around and doesn't ask many women to dance or even talk to him--maybe he is just socially inept but he's a nice guy. 

I do think if the guys are saying a lot of things like "you are so beautiful, I wish I had met you sooner" it's probably cause they are trying to get you to have sex very soon & if you don't, then they will just move onto the next target.  Personally I don't get guy saying that a lot to me.  But when I go on dates, it's kind of non-commital, so I know it won't work out.  or I did have one guy that I dated 3x last  year--after the 3rd date, he told me he was having minor surgery the next week.  I called him the night before to wish him luck & he kept saying how nice that was and he would call me after he recovered--and never heard from him again, but did see him quite a while later on the OLD site.  So men are just wierd.  I'd say if you can get younger guys to go out with, go for it.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Welcome, Tami. I'm about ten years younger than yourself and am not an active dater. Not active in that I don't do OLD anymore and generally am not "on the lookout". I do have a lot of girlfriends however, and I hear stories very similar to your own on a frequent basis. It's an unfortunate phenomena, but if you are looking for a relationship you just have to try, try again. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007

OK .. so the gist of what I am getting here is that 50+ men who are single don't generally act that much different as far as pursuing a woman? That is sure not what I am seeing and I am around a LOT of men that age or close. But maybe it is just a perception. Anyway, I tried to answer all the posts here.  Glad to see so many people are active here!

@freeatlast2008 - I don't think its a younger woman thing with the 50+ men because in all honesty, the younger women very seldom look that way (you do get the exception). And don't give up hope free! I do know that it will happen when it happens but you do have to get out where you can meet guys! I really never had a problem with that because I do a lot of traditionally 'guy things'. I fish, I kayak, I have my own motorcycle and I ride it. But way too many of the guys I am around now are married to my friends lol! Maybe we both need to figure out where the single ones hang out huh? Laundry mat?

@juliasuk
I was here a LOT and a regular poster until about 3-4 years ago when crap hit the fan in the economy and I lost my job. The same year my only grandson moved 2500mi away with his mom, my son because severely ill, I lost my 7 year old dog, and I had to sell my Harley as well as breaking up with my soulmate. Let's say my life sucked! Well, I went back to school, got a great job a year ago and even got a new motorcycle and bought a house so things are better.

As far as my soulmate, he was always very agressive with people, mostly verbally although the first time I saw him holding his 17 year old daughter on the floor to keep her from leaving the house, I should have ran away right then (I did go home after I told him that she was too old to be treated like that). I wouldn't let him treat me that way ever though, either verbally or physically. When we were one on one, things were great, we talked to each other like we had never talked to anyone else and had the same interests. I know that his agressive nature was mostly because of his up-bringing but seriously, if you want to you can change things like that. I broke up with him once for months and he talked me into going back because he said he could change, and I really believed he had. But a year later he was back at his bossy, my way or no way, ways. I finally realized that even though I did love him, I couldn't ever live with him, so I broke it off.

@shywon
Aww sorry shywon about the clock thing. I am starting to think that I need to be more agressive as far as actually initiating contact goes. My problem is not so much that I am shy now (I did used to be) as that I don't really need a man around much. To tell the truth, I mostly just miss the sex. But I also can't relax and just sleep with someone for fun. I am seriously thinking I DO need to go younger and give up being so straight-laced? I don't know, I would love good company and good sex, but it never seems to come from the same source. Starting to think I definitely need to change the way I think.

@floridagirl52
I have met one online, actually I liked him better than any of the others lol.

@musiclover
of course they want sex as soon as they can get it ... they are men! I have been married more than once too and I thought I understoood men for the most part. Now I am thinking the same as you ... they get weird as they age haha.

@cfk_3
Thanks ... think I will hang out here and see if I can learn anything new. I love to learn :smileyhappy:

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Trying to figure out women is just as hard.  I do not pursue. I consider that to be a waste of time.  I like being single and with out roommates. I like to be alone.  What I look for is physical attractiveness,conversation,sex and intimacy.  That is it.  Simple really.  Yes, there are people of both genders who cannot be alone,or are looking for "love".  Boiled down it is the basics and how  one places barriers in front of themselves.  Refusal to be assertive in the post PC world is a losing proposition.  Men get lots of rejection.  After a while even with a tough hide it becomes annoying. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012

I don't know your age, location or past relationships....but do you wonder why it's hard to find a partner?

Everything you want is a FWB and while some women are okay with it, most want more...

Is rejection surprising to you?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Actually, I expect nothing.  There are many types of human relationships each defined by the participants therein.  Each of us must define for ourselves what will work for us in each stage of life. 

dragowoman