Single for almost 4 yrs....and sad :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Single for almost 4 yrs....and sad :(
24
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 10:42pm

I'm officially TEFLON for relationships.... :(

I'm in my mid-20s, attractive, in shape, have a successful career (way beyond my years), a fabulous condo and wonderful friends.. family is a bit sketch..but who's isn't! And I am alone...and lonely.

Problem is... i've been single since 2nd year in University. I haven't had a long term realtionship in 4 years. In that time span... friends have gotten married, fallen in and out of love... and I've just sort of been stagnant. I've dated - with little success- and had intermittent 1-2 month "things" (that aren't even deserving of a relationship title) and usually gotten run over in the process.

I, like many woman, have the tendency to like the "bad boys". I have guys come after me, but none of them I'm attracted to OR the ones that I am ... I never hear from again. I can't seem to win at this dating game!

Tried online dating on advice from a friend...and AGAIN... guys I liked... never heard from them again and I had all these freaky-icky guys emailing me! Agh! I'm starting to think that physically...it's me. I'm pretty but I'm very small chested for my size... and have been contemplating implants. I know that is NOT the answer...but I feel like it will help with my confidence?

Right now, I've fallen into the bad trap of attracting "taken" guys. The last 3 guys I've met and kissed have had girlfriends and failed to notify me of the fact. Last guy, that I've developed strong feelings for...is someone I work with...and yes, we had a moment and wait, yes, he has a girlfriend. Now, he's stuck in my head.

I'm ready for a relationship, but I can't find anyone that seems to hold my interest. Am I being too picky? or self-distructive? I can't tell anymore.. I'm starting to think I'm ugly or personality-challenged .. even though I know it's not the case. I have acquaintances who treat their boyfriends like crap but ALWAYS seem to be dating these fabulous guys. I guess nice girls don't finish first EITHER!

All of my friends are starting to be more and more in serious relationships...even some of the die-hard single gals...are now taken up with guys. So more and more I'm getting left out of the picture - i.e. couple nights out... etc etc....

I know ... people are going to say join a club or something... or try a singles cooking class. But the thing is I work ridiculously long hours and travel lots. My free time (when I have some) is spent shopping or playing hockey/working out.

Please help... or support from others feeling the same... would be great

i feel so alone!

kaye

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:31am

ok here is my story if it makes you feel better. I m 30 y/o I have a great job, financially secure, I am v. athletic and have a great figure (I even admire my own figure!) I have an easy going life. work from 11 - 6 and one hour anytime at night... live in a condo 10 minutes from work and in middle of DT. My girlfriends say I m v. attractive and pretty woman and most men who come to the group hit on me first. Many people I meet think I am 23-24!
I love to spoil myself and go shopping , spa, do stuff and travel... I have a down to earth attitude and would like to be friends with anyone.

I m looking for someone who is attractive (no necessarily a pretty boy) who has a good job (not necessarily rich) has some education (I have 2 master's degrees) who is into sports ( I go 5 times to the gym in the morning so I would like to have a partner with a firm body) and I prefer men to be older( so 32 and up)
I dont want to deal with divorced men since I ve been down that road b4 and it was not pleasant.
For the past year the only guy I met who was close to my needs was 27 y/o and he tried to drag me into a relationship but later on I find out he had a GF!
Other than this guy, all the others are either non-athletic, unemployed, much younger, silly or plain and simple UGLY. or all of the above.
Dont know where to meet a normal guy! I m willing to compromise on some aspect if I find the others. but it looks like after 30 all men are left over quality!
I have lots of friends and I m very active. Love to read, swim and go to various events. so I only miss the intimate part of being with someone. I m planning to put my mind at peace and expect that I will be single for the rest of my life. If I was wrong good if not no biggy waiting for something that will never ever happen!
I meed nice guys in the gym. I know there is this physical attraction at least and I know they are older and they have some manners but all they do is make eye contact and not even smile so dont know if they are slightly interested or they just like to stare at women!
Does anyone know where normal men hang out?
send some my way if you find them
:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 9:34am
It's like I wrote this myself, almost down to the letter!
I can't say I have any insight for you other than saying you're not alone. I don't know the "cure" to single-young-intellegent-attractive-woman-but-can't-get-a-decent-date syndrome. I wish I did. If it's any consolation, there are more than a few of us out there asking the same questions you are. It's a mystery, it really is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 9:43am
Your post reads exactly like some of the profiles I have read on Online Dating sites. But I never get a reply when I send an e-mail or Icebreaker. I must be plain and simple UGLY.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 1:25pm

You and i are in a very similar situation. Don't feel alone, obviously you are not. :)

Megan

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 4:33pm
Ok... you are not alone here! I think most of us 20 something women are having a hard time trying to find a decent guy. I know I am! I am 28 yrs old, attractive, smart, funny, caring, and a heck of a lot of fun! I keep meeting guys who either dont want a relationship, are not ready for a relationship or just flat out dont see us together in the long run. I used to get REALLY upset about it. However I have decided that all of these guys are just PRACTICE for the real thing. I know it is really hard when all of your friends get into relationships or are getting married. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt. It is not fun but you have to keep your head up and tell yourself that at some point that will happen for you too. I had to treck to 3 weddings this summer single! As far as the guys with girlfriends go? They are dirtballs if they are cheating on their partners with you and you would never let yourself date a guy like that because he is just NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. I know it stinks to get your heart broken on a regular basis but now I can at least see the dirtballs coming from a mile away and as soon as the words "I dont want a relationship, or I am not ready right now" get uttered I hit the road. I am not going to sit around and wait for some guy to figure out what he wants when I know I deserve to be treated great. I used to sit and wait thinking he will figure it out, but they never do! My advice is try to keep yourself as busy as possible and fill your life up with all the things you want to do. Even if you have to do it alone just think, when you get married or attached you are going to be with that person forever! I know it is hard because everyone wants someone in their life but while it is not there you cant dwell on it. Everyone keeps telling me everything happens for a reason and when I am least expecting it, I will meet the man of my dreams. (Boy am I sick and tired of hearing that one!!) But it will happen. In the meantime go out and live your life and do fun things that make you happy. And maybe along the way you will meet someone you can do those things with. It is much easier said than done but try to keep your head up and a positive attitude. Their is someone out there for you, he just does not know it yet :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 4:47pm

Man, it is so depressing to hear that another hot chick (I don't mind small breasts - that is not the answer to your problems) is only interested in bad boys. I'm what you'd call a nice guy that doesn't kiss a woman's butt, but treats her like a person worthy of respect. Why must every hot American woman want someone who treats her like crap? Some say that hot women have less substance and depth (which is somewhat true) and are only interested in looks. Others say that hot women get hit on all the time, so they are attracted to men who don't show much interest in them. One thing is for sure - nice guys finish dead last...

As far as your dilemma - I think you already know the answer. If you continue to pursue the bad boys, the result will always be the same...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 10:00pm

I've been a single successful woman for almost 5 years, with a few dates in between.

I guess the "ugly" comment got me. Don't discount them just because their photo or initial impression is that he's not attractive. Get to know them a bit. One guy I dated long term (trans-continental LDR - on/off over 8 years), I iniitally thought was completely neardy and not attractive at all. I got to know him, and he became very attractive to me.

Most of the attractive/good looking guys I've enountered over the years, either sociall or professionally are arrogant, self-absorbed and "know" they can get any girl/women they want (and don't care if there is already someone in their lives).

On fitness/body - who said you wouldn't be the trigger for someone to get fit, change their lifestyle. Are there any guys at your gym who are out of shape, but you see them there regularly (ie - they are doing something about it, and obviously with committment)?

Challenge yourself and go against type - if only for the experience. I've done it - none have developed, but it doesn't mean I won't try it again.

I guess it boils down to how many of your criterum are "it would be nice's" vs absolute deal breakers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 5:54pm

Hey Kaye,
I so much know how you are feeling. I've been going through the same thing granted we are coming from a little different angle. It's not easy to be alone when all your friends seem madly in love and some even have children. Be grateful that at least you still have some girlfriends. It will be great if they can hook you up with some of their beau's friends. I currently don't even have one girlfriend I can call on because they are all married with children and don't have time for me. My boyfriend passed away about 2 years ago and just a couple of months ago, I decided to get back into the dating scene. I feel like it's one of the worst mistake I've ever made. Suddenly, I don't even know how to attract men. I went from men pouring over me in college to hardly being noticed by them. I am definitely not a bad looking woman, I have a great job and I think I have a great personality. The weird thing is, married men seems to notice me a lot. Men who are taken just some how find their way to me. All what I want is a man of my own and to be in love again but I guess for the almost 10 years I was off the market, things have changed a lot. Don't beat yourself too much. Once a guy told me that men don't approach me because I intimidate them. Have you thought of that? They see a beautiful girl like you who has all her act together and probably they start to feel like the won't have a place with you. I am not saying that change anything because God knows I ain't about to change my looks or anything because of a man. I just want you to know that I know exactly how you are feeling because I am going through the same thing right now. The next time your girlfriends have a couples night out, tell them since you are not coupled up yet probably, next time, they should do a girls night out. I used to do that with my girlfriends until they coupled up. That's one thing I've missed the most. Just hang in there okay? I am sure the right guy for us is out there and I pray that he show up real soon because it's frustrating. Hugs.

Viv

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 6:10pm
Not all American women like bad boys. I think that deep down, every woman like a nice guy who is some how sensitive to their emotions. I don't even know how to describe a bad boy other than that I am not really into them. There are some women though who like them. It's not just American women. There are definitely women out there who are interested in men who aren't interested in them. I've been down that road. I really don't know what it is but I learned my lesson very quickly and real good too. Nice girls lately are finishing last and it sucks :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2005
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 7:40pm

Wow, it is really nice to know I'm not alone. I'm 25, pretty good looking and nice figure (at least I've been told so), have a master's degree, a great job, good friends and I like to have fun. I love shopping, eating out, working out, going to movies and concerts. But I just haven't had much luck in the guy department. I ended a long distance relationship in July that lasted two years. It's a long story. So I've pretty much just thrown myself into work, but now that a couple months has gone by, I'm ready to meet people again. But it's so scary to think about! I know these things usually happen when you least expect it, but it would be nice to have someone again (preferably someone in the same town or at least reasonably close). One of these days, right?

Veena :-)

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