the "single" life???
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| Thu, 06-29-2006 - 8:55am |
While reading through the "it's great to be single" message thread, I came back to the thought I've had since I've started lurking around these boards. When I first saw "The Single Life" as an area of interest, I thought the posts would be talking about the accomplishments and rewards of being single, personal achievements and accomplishments. Instead, I am reading much of the same things I am reading on the "dating" boards!! Understand that this is not a judgement, but just an observation.
There is no denying that humans are social beings and to go all the way through life with having no one who has witnessed your life, celebrated your successes and mourned your losses can be very lonely.
There are definitely times of self-discovery and enlightenment during times of being single. But there is also a catch... being single becomes a habit. The I am so independent I don't need anybody, the I love to travel by myself so I can go where I want, the I can sleep as late as I want with no guilt... those all sound good coming out of a "shared" lifestyle, whether it was with parents, roommates or SO, but they do become habits (this goes for men and women).
In my opinion, there is a reason people used to go from living with parents to living with roommates at college to marrying and living with a spouse. And with children all having their own rooms and colleges turning dorms into independent suites and then so many singles establishing their own apartments, we are losing the skills of being good roommates and partners.

I have to agree. I meet many guys that live very independent lives and have for so long, they feel little or no need for a woman around at all. They are so content with things how they are they don't think they could even adjust to being in a relationship or sharing their life. And because of that they have no interest. It's sad really. I think many people are jus too independent and unwilling to allow change or someone into their life.
That is just too big an unconvenience.
I think about this aspect of single life a lot - have I become so comfortable on my own that it will be impossible for me to share my life with someone else? Do I really want to? Am I being so picky because I am sabotaging any chance of that ever happening?
Most of the time I think that I am picky because I don't want to settle. I am the child of divorced parents. I have 7 aunts and uncles all of whom have been divorced aside from one who has been in an unhappy marriage for 40 years. So I think that I am just extra careful. And life is fun for me without a man. I am not saying that I don't want or need someone who I really connect with and love. I do and trying to convince myself otherwise is just silly. But it is much easier to remain single because of the structure of society.
I don't think that it's just men who are becoming more comfortable alone and less likely to settle down - we women do it as well.
Eh, I think if two people are motivated enough, they'll make it work, despite whatever habits they've picked up along the way. Of course, finding a motivated partner can be a challenge ;-).
I'm very independent but I would gladly trade some of that in order to be with a guy who is right for me. And a guy who is right for me will respect my independence and not expect me to give up *all* aspects of my independence (nor will I expect him to give up all of his).
Sheri
Hmmmmm...?? And I see single guys who live by themselves more independent in other ways. Good ways. I see them as being able to cook a great meal, iron their own clothes, wash their own undies, clean their own tubs and etc and having to rely on the "ole lady" to do these thing for them.
I think that this makes us more well-rounded and not so stuck on gender norms. I know many people who have gotten married after living by themselves for many year with no problems. If anything, it makes living together more of a partnership, then anything.
It definitely goes both ways. It depends on the guy. Some of them learn those skills and retain them after entering a relationship/marriage. Some turn them over to the gals and say "whew, I don't have to do that anymore".
The same can be said for women. Some learn the skills of living independently and stay with that. They enjoy the feeling of power that comes with being totally self-sufficient. Some learn to live independently, but are really looking to have the partnership and support of a relationship.
(Maybe I wrote the first paragraph unfairly toward the guys... my own experience skews me.)
Either way, for the ones who totally embrace being single and living a single life, I still believe being single becomes a habit and those people may be happier just having long-term monogamour relationships where each retains their own space and independence. It is a matter of being truly honest with yourself and what you really want out of a relationship and are willing to do to make it work.
I do feel like there's less of an emphasis on "community" these days -- both in terms of sharing your life with a partner and children, but also in becoming part of a larger and close-knit group in your area.
There are so many ways that we isolate ourselves -- not only having our own rooms as kids, no roommates as adults, etc, as you mentioned, but we plug into our iPods while out in public, we drive our own cars rather than take public transportation, we order pay-per-view or Netflix rather than joining a group at the movies. We stay in and watch TV rather than going to the neighborhood BBQ.
Humans are social, "pack" creatures by nature, I think. Yet, we have come up with so many ways to not be social that it's sort of sad. Sometimes we have to work to find new ways to connect (see all the "how do I make new friends?" threads on this board for proof).
I like my alone time, sure, but like Sheri I would give up a big chunk of that to find a great partner with whom to share my life. I also love having the option of spending time with friends rather than being stuck home alone for yet another night.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Well from my experience:
*sharing a room with my sister while young
*having my own room in high school
*living with parents partially during college
*living with 6 girls and 1 bathroom the remainder of college
*living with roommate first year in Chicago
*living by myself for almost seven years
I have all the experience one can have with living arrangements. Will living with a man when I am settled down be a challenge for me, since I have been living by myself for so many years? Yes. It was also a challenge living with six girls in college and while I first moved to the city and while I lived at home after college. My point is, people are more independent these days. No argument here. But I personally don't feel it is a negative thing. You can see pluses and minuses to each living situation, depending how you want to see it. I prefer to see all the pluses.
Every situation is going to be a challenge. Change is a challenge. Why is it that so many people want to only see the negatives with being single? I really just don't get it.
"n my opinion, there is a reason people used to go from living with parents to living with roommates at college to marrying and living with a spouse. And with children all having their own rooms and colleges turning dorms into independent suites and then so many singles establishing their own apartments, we are losing the skills of being good roommates and partners."
I have a friend who did exactly this. She lived with her parents. Lived with room mate, then went to live with her husband. You know what she says to those of us who are single and have live by ourselves? She regrets it. Utterly and completely regrets it. She feels that she lost out on so much independence and growth. She never got that satisfaction that she could do it on her own. I feel sorry for her. I really do. At least when I am married, I will know that I could do it as a single woman. I had the satisfaction for the first time in all the generations of my family as a female and my family is proud of me because of it. I feel that we, as a society, have become more independent because of technology. But that does not mean we are more isolated. I live by myself, yet I find that I do more and more with my friends then I did when I lived with them. Social people will be social, it is just the outlets that have changed. Isolated people will remain to be isolated because they choose to be. It is simply a choice.
I dont really have anything to add except that I agree with it. Even though I'm not single, I am over 600 miles away from my boyfriend and in many ways have a single-like lifestyle. I live alone and have experienced a great deal of independence since moving here. I had a very similar experience to yours Kcole when it came to living arrangements...shared with sister, own room, lived at home for first 3 years of college, had a roommate for 2 years, and now alone. My boyfriend just moved out of his parents house and is learning to take more care of himself and gain independence. He's learning how to cook, clean and be domestic. I think that once he and I get together and be local in 9 months, we'll be ready to make that transition into a domestic partnership.
I really really think that living alone for a year or longer does make you a better partner and one of the perks of being single. It is possible to become set in your ways but all marriages have that transition period where you are learning to live with each other. Thats nothing new from 25=30 years ago when people went from their parents home to marriage.
I think I've always instinctively knew that before I'd get married and settle down that I would need a few years of living on my own to identify myself as independant and no longer reliant on home.
And when my first serious boyfriend stated to me that he would like me to move with him to his hometown (another province away) after graduation, I freaked out for then (and even currently) I still live with my parents.
Eventually we broke up as our lives went in different directions - he is now beginning a life as a professional engineer and I have decided to stay at uni for another year to pick up a major in psychology. But now being single, I feel I have that opportunity to finally find out who I really am, and what I can accomplish. I aim to move out from home in september and am going to do so free from my parents' financial help. It's a brave move, for I will no longer have my 'rents pay my tuition and that my standard of living will probably drop from what I'm used to, but then I'd have that self-pride of going about life on my own. I want to be able to enjoy those luxuries - sleeping in til whatever time I choose, having no one dictate to me what I "should" do with my time (my mother is particularly good at this), and having the time and freedom figure out what i want, in life, love and career.
But its a scary transition just the same. so wish me luck!