single & lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
single & lonely
6
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 7:55am

My ex b/f and I dated for 3 years and broke up 3 months ago. It's been horribly tough for me to deal with it. He wanted to be friends, so we tried the pseudo-friends thing, but it didn't work because I still had feelings for him. So I told him I needed space and time to get over him and move on. He said he sincerely hoped I would move on. Obviously, because later I found out he was f**king some other girl! He hooked up with some girl 1.5 months after we broke up and that they went out for 2 weeks and he slept with her on the first date. I'm sitting here wondering how the guy that told me he loved me and asked me to move in with him, the one that spoke about kids with me and called me the best thing that happened to him, would do somehting like this.

The relationship ended because he said he didnt want a serious relationship at 22, he wanted to have fun. I get it, you're 22 and frankly I wouldn't have choosen to be in a serious relationship at 22 either, but then I met him and I fell in love with him and I wanted to be with him despite all the odds. I didn't want to get married or have a family or anything of that sort till I met him and he made me believe we would do it together. Before I tossed out the love letters/cards/poems that he'd written me over the past 3 years, I couldn't understand how the guy that told me
"to place his hand in mine and walk with him on the shores of the seemingly endless beach" can do stuff like this. I'm so heartbroken and hurt!

I'm mad at myself for missing what I had with him, because it obviously wasn't good enough for him and that's why he walked out and started doing his random dating thing. He's the one that betrayed me just a month and a half after we broke up. If he truly cared about me, he wouldn't have done something like that. I hate the new person he's become. I hate that I feel sad when he's the one that screwed me in the ass despite the amazing girl friend I was to him. Heck I wasnt just a girl friend, I was a freaking wife to him!

My friends are all married/in serious relationships or engaged and they all talk about their boyfriends and how happy they make them feel. It makes me sad that I don't have anything to contribute. But they've been there for me through all this, listening to me vent, being there for me when I needed them, etc. They've been great but they're not him. And I wish I had that emotional attachment again! I wish I had someone to cuddle up with, someone to call at the end of the day and talk about my day. Someone that was just mine. Someone to hold me when I'm sick or sad. I miss that emotional attachment the most. I keep telling myself one day I'll get it again, but what if I get it and then I loose it like I did with my ex?

Everyone says being single is so much fun especially at 22, then why am I feeling so crappy?

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 12:45pm

I had an experience similar to yours. We dated for a year longer. Not only did he move in with another woman within a few weeks but after that relationship ended he got engaged and was married inside a year of our breaking up. It was very painful. I was like you, I met this guy in my mid-twenties and until meeting him, had not even fathomed marriage. I had been content with the fact, and even proud, that I could see myself being single for the duration.

I think the healthy thing to do is acknowledge your feelings. I suppressed all of mine, just filed them away inside my head, and they resurfaced years later.

Friends are a great comfort. Take every opportunity to get together. While I think it's important to acknowledge your feelings, I think it's as equally important to try and stay active. Don't let "this" identify you. Pick up a hobby, a new sport, volunteer somewhere ... I find that doing for others is very, very rewarding. I adopted a little elderly lady from my church and took her out (she was no longer able to drive) about every other weekend. Looking back, I think she was more helpful to me during that time than vice/versa.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. It does suck. Who knows why this guy has behaved in such a manner. You may never know, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that sounds cliche, but this man was honest with you and as much as it hurts, be glad that he didn't go through with a marriage, then kids only to decide somewhere down the road that he had made a mistake. I honestly see you as being the lucky one in this scenario.

Good luck to you. Come here and vent anytime : ) We are here to help.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 6:14pm

I really do understand how hard it is to see an ex with someone else, but I don't understand how he betrayed you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 6:55pm

First I would like to offer my apologies for what happened. I know how frustrating it is to not be able to grasp everything that has happened! I recently read through old letters/cards/momentos from an ex and they all said "forever, I will never leave you, blah blah". The thing is we make promises when we're in love and we truly believe that we will keep them, and then something happens and we realize we can't or that we spoke too soon.

I wanted to add to the other responses...

Guys deal with break-ups differently than some women do. Some like to just jump right back in, try and forget everything and occupy their minds with other activities. He found someone, and was potentially using her to forget about you. That's incredibly sad in my book because he's not being honest with himself and shacking up with someone who MAY think that he actually likes her and is only thinking about her.

How you're feeling now sucks and is completely normal. Eventually your days will get better and the bad days will become fewer. Until then you need to realize that no one is at fault here...you guys just weren't right for each other and the timing was off. The last thing you want to do is marry someone who isn't ready for it, even though they may have thought they were!

Initially being single is incredibly tough, especially when your friends are all in serious relationships! I think being single can be great...I'm doing the single thing for the first time in LONG time and I'm finally able to really enjoy it without worrying if I'll ever find someone. This is your time to heal from your hurt, rediscover how strong you really are on your own and make yourself ready to accept a truly great man back in your life - no matter when or how he shows up. You probably spent the past couple years pouring yourself into your ex so now that you're single focus completely on you. It may be weird at first but do things you've always wanted to try but never did. Pamper yourself as well, know that your body and mind are going through a great deal of stress and do something 'special' for yourself everyday.

Lastly, don't feel like you need to find something else to replace the void you feel right now. Although the intimacy you feel with a partner is indescribable you can be perfectly happy without it...it's all in your mindset. We all want a wonderful relationship with a wonderful partner but we shouldn't settle in the meantime just to have 'someone'.

Hang in there and know that we're always here for you and that many of us have been there before!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 7:47pm

Each and everyone of you, thank you so much for taking the time to post. You have no idea how much it helps to read your posts and not feel completely alone. I don't grasp everything that happened besides the fact that he was in love with me, but then decided he would rather sleep around and have fun than be in a serious committed relationship.

We said we'd keep things open but that door banged shut the minute I found out he had hooked up with someone else. I found it hard to beleive that the guy I once loved and who was my best friend, would do something like that. But he did break up with me to go fool around and he's doing exactly what he said he would. It shouldn't shock me in the least bit, but it does. Everyone around me wonders why I'm pining over a guy who obviously doesnt care about me anymore, because you don't walk out on someone if you really care about them. I hate sitting alone in silence pondering over all the happy times and what he said and did when we were together. It just makes me feel even worse at the end of the day. It's already been 3 months, how long will this go on for?

I'm trying to keep myself busy with work and family and friends, and usually it helps. But I need to get used to being alone on Friday and Saturday nights without feeling like such a looser. I am going through major self esteem issues right now. I feel like I just wasn't good enough for him and that's why he left. No matter how hard I try, I'm just stuck in this dump. You'd think him walking out on me, his dating another girl, his act of enjoying life and being cold to me, his act of calling me a jerk because i dont acknowledge him even though i'm civil to him and just called to see if he was okay after an accident, would make me be completely over all this by now, but I'm not and that's so frustrating. I guess I'm grieving what I lost..

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 11:51pm
Time is the only thing that will lessen the hurt. Everyday, it will get better and better, trust me. One day about a year after my breakup, I was out with someone, I forget who and I said, out loud, "That pit in my stomach is gone". It may take that long for you, longer or maybe less but it will go away. I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, I had lost myself in the years I was with _____. I felt like someone had sliced me in two and shipped the other half across country. I felt so incomplete and as raw as an exposed nerve. The old saying is true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I think back to that girl and can't believe that we're the same person. In some ways, I think the experience made me a little too strong ; ) I don't put up with any BS and while I do admit, I get lonely sometimes, I'd rather be alone than have someone else holding the key to my happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 8:41pm
I noticed in your letter that you said you feel like you weren't good enough for him and that hurts your self esteem. Please don't think of it that way. It's not about being good enough for someone, it's about being right for someone. That involves having the proper timing, life goals, etc. I've dated people where we were both plenty good enough for each other but we just weren't right for one another. I'm sure you were plenty good enough for this guy, it's just that you were at different points in life. You wanted more commitment and he wanted more freedom. Don't chalk it up to you not being good enough.