Slow and steady wins, right??

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Slow and steady wins, right??
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 1:50pm

I've always said that I like to get to know someone first before I even have a real date with them.  I like meeting someone, slowly developing a sort of "friendship", and then moving into dating or whatever.  But I'm getting impatient with this guy!

So I have his number.  I texted him.  He responded, but I'm not sure he knew it was me so he probably doesn't know he has my number, or didn't save it.  A couple of weeks ago, he sent me a friend request on FB.  My girlfriend (the one who got his number first) is also friends with him now.  I'm not sure if she sent him one, then he sent me one, or he sent one to both of us.  Anyway...not a big deal because I don't consider FB a dating place, but at least he maybe sees me as someone he'd like to keep in touch with. 

In the meantime, there have been many glances, prolonged eye contact, smiles, etc. exchanged during trivia.  He's been telling me goodbye when he leaves, with a little pat on the shoulder.  This Thursday, he came over to our table and somehow got on the topic of how he wants kids.  (Can we say uterus throbbing???  I might have just taken him right there if I'd had a stronger drink!) 

Ugh.  I feel like there's progress...we're getting to know each other, talking more, etc....but it's soooo sloooow.  Which I guess is what I like.  But in the meantime, I've still got those uterus throbs!  I've thought about just texting him a random (unnecessary) question one night about something, but I haven't a clue what I'd say.   I need to talk to him without my friends around, and that's not going to happen at trivia.  My friends are always around! 

In the meantime, I wait.  And try to ignore the fact that his friends seem like crude jerks!


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 6:37am

Ladybookworm i must say i could not agree more to everything you said in your initial post to the OP. Finally someone is saying the real *brutal truth* regarding OP´s dating misfortunes - that was urgently needed for a long time now. Because nothing changes if nothing changes. Thank you for that Ladybook. 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 8:17am

Gee, how did I know you two would show up to tell me how wrong I am?  Oh, that's right...because you always do, and it's always in a pair. 

If all three of you would read carefully, you'd see that my post is about the fact that nothing is really happening...and I'm frustrated with how that's how it always goes.  There's no need to gang up on me, or anyone else for that matter. 

Yes, I'm speaking up and telling you  how I really feel, because keeping quiet is just getting old.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 9:37am
Getting past the tiff in this string for a second, there's a difference between asking a guy out vs opening the opportunity so that he asks you out. I will only start as friends first with women and build it from there slowly, so I get what you're saying about friends. The key is to show that there's more to you than "eye contact." Clearly you are too apprehensive to initiate talking to him, so texting is a nice way to start a conversation.
Again, this is not about 15th century rules that you have to sit there passively and wait for the guy to initiate everything - there is a big difference between asking him out and just getting a conversation going. Every girlfriend I've had, started because we related to something together - the most recent ones over the past few years have been due to both of us liking the outdoors.
For example, you know from FB that he is in a band. Musicians love to talk about their music even if they will not say anything else. Text him and say your brother/sister/cousin might be coming to town soon (it doesn't matter that they are not) and since you're both music fans, you're wondering if he knows of any good musicians playing or a good venue.
He will rattle off some.
Say thank you, and ask him how his band is doing.
He will rattle something off.
Ask if his band is playing soon.
They should be at some point. Really, you should go with a friend to one of his shows, even if it's death metal punk, but it sounds like you go to the same type of place, on the same days, for the same things for years so I'm not expecting miracles of you doing anything out of your zone.
The day after his next show, be sure to ask how it went.
(Also since you like karaoke, tell him the nights "in case he wants to check it out sometime." That is not you asking him for a date so if he shows sometime great, if not, it's not a rejection).
You now have a connection to keep following up about in person. he will appreciate that you're interested in his music. If he's at all interested in you, the conversation will expand to other things and things happen naturally from there.
The tendency for regulars on this board seems to be to say that they tried something once or twice, it didn't work and therefore it will never, ever if what people are doing is working so well. And then also keep listing the same complaints about the lack of dating life. Venture out of the comfort zone, take a shot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 10:24am

'....even if it's death metal punk'

hahhahahahhahahahhahha there's no such thing jt. There's death metal, and there's punk. The two together? heavy trend?? Smile

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 10:54am
Julia & Rocklady, How is it that one of you is English and the other is German? Someone pointed it out the other day and for some inexplicable reason, you never responded. I'd LOVE to hear the story behind that . . . so interesting ;]
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 11:34am

Great, some helpful advice and kind of along the lines of what I was thinking too (but I can't take credit for that).  I'm from the era where back in high school or my early 20's women really never asked men out so it's hard to get out of that mindset but i think there's a difference between (as you said) asking a guy on a date and showing a lot of interest so the guy "gets it" that if he asks you out, you will say yes.  And of course, don't men like encouragement & fear rejection just like we do.  Back in my young days, if I liked someone, I would find an excuse to invite them out in a group or over to a party.  There was one guy I liked in law school and I didn't want to invited just him over to my house so I invited his good friend (who knew I liked the guy) and that guy's GF who wasn't a student & was new to town.  It didn't result in any dates, but we still had fun & it wasn't totally embarrassing either since we were actually friends anyway.  And as I said in my first post to this topic, for the guy I know from dance class, we first went out because on my birthday, I wanted to go out after class, so first I asked a woman to come with me, then I basically announced "N & I are going out for a drink.  does anyone else want to come?" and he said yes.  I think the idea of asking about his band & going to see him play is excellent.  It shows interest, yet it's a public place so it's not that odd to show up and if he's not interested, you wouldn't be embarrassed.

I also think that with practice, you can become used to talking to men--even if you're nervous, you can fake it to the point where you won't seem nervous.  Just think about it this way--most people love to talk about themselves, so ask questions.  Oh and another thing, if you can manage it, is saying something a little racy.  I was dancing with a guy I had never met Sat. night.  We were doing salsa and I knew how to do it better than he did so he was saying something about watching my hips and added "not in a prurient manner.  That's for later." But he said it in a cute way, not a creepy way, so immediately I was intrigued.  You know, you can't just sit there & just say goodnight & expect the guy to know you're interested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 6:29pm

I know what you all are saying but I have a guy friend like that who will speak with me and all but never asks me out..and I dont know why we girls hold onto the hope that they will? I guess we can hope and dream until the cows come home but as I have read countless times unless the guy is actually asking you out or taking you out or knocking on your door with flowers and taking you places its hopeless.

Maybe we are all just hopeless romantics and when we click with someone or we think we have clicked with someone we hold onto that little bit of hope and ray of sunshine.. I have done it myself and still doing it now..

after awhile he will ghost or someone else will come along who will be more sincere and real.. That is just the way life is..


Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 7:19pm

Jt- that's pretty much how I am- I've gotta start slowly.  I get really nervous if a guy is really into me before he gets to know me at all.  I prefer to establish a friendship first, which is somewhat I feel like we're doing.  It's just that stupid biological clock that's making me impatient.  If I were 25, I wouldn't be worried.  I'd prefer to know more about him first, too.  I honestly don't know that I'd enjoy dating him at this point.  I can tell there's attraction, and maybe some chemistry, but who knows if we'd actually like each other. 

I really don't have a problem talking to him.  It's talking to him in front of my friends that's the issue.  One friend never shuts up and the other is just in the way.  I've even tried to sit so that I'm on the end and he can come stand next to me to talk, but my guy friend always puts me in the middle.  I've tried walking away and my girlfriend follows.  I've thought about going outside between trivia rounds and his friends are always around then.  I've even gotten up to go to the bathroom when he does to move away, but that's never worked. 

Karaoke is right after trivia, so he's usually there for an hour or so, but he disappears (probably with his friends).  I can't invite him, although my friend has asked him to stay before and he said "someday".  That was several weeks ago.  I need to remind him that he said that.  We were going to see his band a few weeks ago (the night I took his number from my friend), but we ended up not leaving the first place we went.  I honestly don't know if I'd like his band.  That might completely turn me off to him!  I think he has another date coming up, and I have thought about mentioning it to my girlfriend that we need to go.  It was her idea the first time.  Again, she'd be there, though.  If I can not invite my guy friend, that'd be much better.  And if I can get more of her friends to come...hmmm...maybe a plan. 

I do like the same places.  I've tried other places, and my experience is that a guy will try to hit on me for the purpose of getting laid, I get irritated, and that's that.  I'm  more comfortable in familiar places, which makes me less inhibited.  Plus, seeing the same person over and over does lend itself to that friendship I need to have first.  I did go through a stage of going to a different place every weekend.  I was never comfortable enough to talk to anyone.

I'm really meaning this to music and free, too!  It's just such a pain to reply to everyone, and I can't see everyone's posts right now, so hopefully I'm not missing anything!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 8:10am


It's simple. We're twins, born 42 years ago in 'Country A'. Country A (aka f*****g  s******e)  was completely wrong for both of us so... very long story short, against what we've always wanted and planned - which was living in the same country and city - we immigrated to Europe when we were around 20-22. Rocklady to Germany, and me to England. She's now German by nationality and I British. What do they say..smth like, life happens whilst you're busy making plans. Never in a million years would we have believed it if told when young that we'd end up living in different countries. At least it's only just over an hour on the plane from me to her....


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 9:27am

All i can add is we could write hundred books about how difficult it is to lead an LDR while being identical twins that are incredibly close..

Whatever, life goes on and rock on!