Slow and steady wins, right??

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Slow and steady wins, right??
32
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 1:50pm

I've always said that I like to get to know someone first before I even have a real date with them.  I like meeting someone, slowly developing a sort of "friendship", and then moving into dating or whatever.  But I'm getting impatient with this guy!

So I have his number.  I texted him.  He responded, but I'm not sure he knew it was me so he probably doesn't know he has my number, or didn't save it.  A couple of weeks ago, he sent me a friend request on FB.  My girlfriend (the one who got his number first) is also friends with him now.  I'm not sure if she sent him one, then he sent me one, or he sent one to both of us.  Anyway...not a big deal because I don't consider FB a dating place, but at least he maybe sees me as someone he'd like to keep in touch with. 

In the meantime, there have been many glances, prolonged eye contact, smiles, etc. exchanged during trivia.  He's been telling me goodbye when he leaves, with a little pat on the shoulder.  This Thursday, he came over to our table and somehow got on the topic of how he wants kids.  (Can we say uterus throbbing???  I might have just taken him right there if I'd had a stronger drink!) 

Ugh.  I feel like there's progress...we're getting to know each other, talking more, etc....but it's soooo sloooow.  Which I guess is what I like.  But in the meantime, I've still got those uterus throbs!  I've thought about just texting him a random (unnecessary) question one night about something, but I haven't a clue what I'd say.   I need to talk to him without my friends around, and that's not going to happen at trivia.  My friends are always around! 

In the meantime, I wait.  And try to ignore the fact that his friends seem like crude jerks!

 

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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 4:13pm
Um, my apologies if this is repetitive. My response kept saying "Please Wait". Then the little clock would disappear, but the reply wasn't there. I think it's different with each different person and with each different set of circumstances or situations. Sometimes slow and steady wins but sometimes, two people sleep together on the first date and are then inseparable for the duration of the relationship, whether that be a week or 7 years. I think a lot of it is luck, timing and preparedness . . . maybe with some courage tossed in . . .
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 4:38pm

Sorry, but I think this is beyond slow, it's like the speed of the glaciers melting.  At this rate, you are never going to progress.  It reminds me of my friend Mike from dance class--I've been taking classes there now for a year and 8 months, and I met him the first night.  I thought there might be progress when after about 6 months he came out for a drink w/ me & my friend--since then if someone asks him to come out, he'll come but he never initiates.  By now, I have given up on anything happening other than friendship--it just seems like he's painfully shy with women.  I used to see him on OLD sites, but I haven't seen him lately & I doubt he has a GF so I think he might have just given up.

I just think you have to figure out a way to speed things along somewhat.  Can you send him a message on FB?  Can you tell from looking at his FB page what kind of things he likes to do?  Since you're already seeing him in a bar, it's not like you want to ask him for a drink--let's try to brainstorm some other kind of way that you can get together with him privately.  What kind of work does he do?

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 6:40pm
Cfk- that happens to me, too. I don't know why it does that sometimes. I know that it's slower now that all of the info has been imported from lithium, but it's been doing that to me since day one. Just another bug from the infestation of bugs to be exterminated. Music- you made me giggle. It does seem like a glacier sometimes. I'm guessing I've only known him a couple of months, and we didn't talk the first two weeks. I did think that once he had my number he'd take advantage of it, but either he doesn't know it was me or doesn't care. He also may think my guy friend and I are together given he's always there. Who knows. I do tend to lose patience very quickly, though. I'm not sure what his day job is. I've looked on his page, but he doesn't give much info. It doesn't even say if he's single or not. I know he's in a band and he has a chihuahua. That's about all I can tell. He never stays later than trivia, though, so he must have to get up early for something. I just need an opportunity to have a conversation with him alone, because I can't get a word in edgewise with my girlfriend around.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 7:22pm
Borrow someone's dog, then text him and say you're doggy sitting. Ask if he knows of a good dog park in the area. Ask him to join you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 2:41pm
Oh shywon this is just well ridiculous. I'm trying really hard to understand how you see actual progress here, but I just don't. What I do see is you pursuing a guy who isn't interested. I'm not trying to sound harsh and I get that you're shy and don't want to make a bold move and get rejected, but nothing is happening here. A FB friend request is not an expression of possible romantic interest and therefore not progress. Him responding to your text, but not clearly expressing interest or even trying to clarify it was indeed you is not progress either. Him looking at you, politely chatting with you, saying goodbye, etc is simply good manners when out in a group, but not an expression of possible romantic interest therefore not progress. Sure you're attracted to him, sure you are making subtle indicators (too subtle in my opinion) that you want to get to know him better, and sure you're hoping that he'll make a move.....nothing wrong with that. It seems to me like its either time for you to get out of your comfort zone and make a bold very clear move (and no I do not mean send him another stinkin text message!!!!!) or move on. If he at a later time makes a bold very clear move and you're still interested fine. Otherwise focus your attention on a guy who is actually going to clearly let you know he's interested.
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Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 3:40pm
Gee, thanks for calling my life "ridiculous". I'm not sure why that was necessary. It actually is progress that I feel like I can speak to him now and he speaks back. Not a lot, but it is difficult for me to talk to guys I'm interested in when my friends are sitting right next to me. No one else was posting about anything, so I figured I'd give it a shot. I guess I shouldn't have. I'll keep my mouth shut about my non-progress from now on, I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 4:28pm
I didn't call your life ridiculous, I think this situation is ridiculous and it is also the subject of this thread which is what I or anyone else responding would be refering to. I also don't see any mention of myself or anyone else suggesting that you shouldn't post anything at all.
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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 7:04pm

I think most have been in this very situation. I know I have . . . there's a guy. He's nice to me, I'm nice back . . . sometimes it seems as if there's some glimmer of chemistry happening.  Then the next time I'm around him, it feels completely opposite as if I had only been imagining it. Then a couple of weeks down the road, we bump into each other again and it's back. In most of these situations, I will usually put myself out of my misery and just go for it.  Once I've put myself out there, most times there's a little interest at the start and then it fizzles which, is why I usually don't encourage girls to make the first move because I think there are some guys out there who really, REALLY do not like to say no to girls. That's why I suggested the dog park idea, because it could be taken as just a friendly gesture.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 7:28pm
LBW- it kinda seemed like you were saying "Not worth posting about, Shy." I know he's probably not interested. No one has been in a really long time. But I do like to stay positive. Cfk- I've read many times that the way to make people to like you is to ask for their help with something, so I tend to try to go that route with men. I just don't know what I'd ask. Maybe someday I'll end up with a flat tire or dead battery or something! Of course, there are usually a few other guys who would jump at the chance to help. If have to kick them or something so they wouldn't step on his toes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 6:08am

Bookworm,

Incredible - you've posted 'my' post. Everything you said is what I thought in response to Shywon's post. Read it and thought: 'ehm...this isn't 'slow and steady'. This is 'nothing's happening because the man's not interested'.

 Unfortunately, if I did post what you did, I'd be called a disruptive nuisance and a horrible terrible person to dare put into words what the situation REALLY is and not what we're supposed to say about it.

All I can add is this: definition of madness is doing the same thing again and again and again and again  - expecting different results.

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