So, 4th and 5th dates happened....
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|Mon, 04-07-2003 - 9:53am|
We had a great time on Saturday, dinner at my place and then a movie out. While we were at my place he initiated "a talk..." I was dreading it but it actually set me at ease somewhat, because he just said he's fine with it going slow, as long as it's probably going SOMEWHERE. I was able to confess to him that the physical thing is not 100% there for me yet, but that I can't say he's just a friend to me... we both agreed this situation lacks the giddiness that early-on dating scenes usually have. For some reason, I felt a lot less pressure when he confessed that he, too, is unusually calm and composed around me for it being so early in the dating process. So we saw a movie and called it an early night.
Sunday we met up in the afternoon at his place and he wanted to snuggle on the couch for a bit.... I'm so torn between how nice and affectionate it feels to kiss him, and how I feel (or rather, don't) when I step back and look at him. That's not all the time, either.... sometimes I feel very much into the idea, sometimes it just seems to evaporate. Anyway then we went to an event where there were people we both know (our first "public appearance"), and sometimes I felt a little uncomfortable. It didn't help that a friend of mine told me in confidence that she can see why I'm wavering... just when I thought I was getting over it!!
I feel so tested! Why did I have to meet a guy who is so wonderful, and have this one respect (his weight) be the hang-up factor?!?!?! I feel so awful about myself, I've had two crying breakdowns in the last 3 days. From what I know of him so far, I feel he deserves someone who will be proud to be with him, all the time... I just don't know yet if this is me or not. Why can't I get over my image fixation??? I know I will miss him terribly if I break things off, and I'll do so in the knowledge that I'm missing something great for a very shallow reason. I just can't tell if the lack of chemistry is a real lack of chemistry, or one created by my image obsession.