So, 4th and 5th dates happened....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
So, 4th and 5th dates happened....
16
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 9:53am
I still don't know, I still don't know!!!

We had a great time on Saturday, dinner at my place and then a movie out. While we were at my place he initiated "a talk..." I was dreading it but it actually set me at ease somewhat, because he just said he's fine with it going slow, as long as it's probably going SOMEWHERE. I was able to confess to him that the physical thing is not 100% there for me yet, but that I can't say he's just a friend to me... we both agreed this situation lacks the giddiness that early-on dating scenes usually have. For some reason, I felt a lot less pressure when he confessed that he, too, is unusually calm and composed around me for it being so early in the dating process. So we saw a movie and called it an early night.

Sunday we met up in the afternoon at his place and he wanted to snuggle on the couch for a bit.... I'm so torn between how nice and affectionate it feels to kiss him, and how I feel (or rather, don't) when I step back and look at him. That's not all the time, either.... sometimes I feel very much into the idea, sometimes it just seems to evaporate. Anyway then we went to an event where there were people we both know (our first "public appearance"), and sometimes I felt a little uncomfortable. It didn't help that a friend of mine told me in confidence that she can see why I'm wavering... just when I thought I was getting over it!!

I feel so tested! Why did I have to meet a guy who is so wonderful, and have this one respect (his weight) be the hang-up factor?!?!?! I feel so awful about myself, I've had two crying breakdowns in the last 3 days. From what I know of him so far, I feel he deserves someone who will be proud to be with him, all the time... I just don't know yet if this is me or not. Why can't I get over my image fixation??? I know I will miss him terribly if I break things off, and I'll do so in the knowledge that I'm missing something great for a very shallow reason. I just can't tell if the lack of chemistry is a real lack of chemistry, or one created by my image obsession.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 9:58am
give it a couple more dates...

if you feel that it's becoming less of an issue, then keep dating...

if your feelings about his weight remain the same, it would be unfair of you to continue seeing him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 1:25pm
Hey!!! Relax...don't be so hard on yourself. Sheesh. Enjoy what you like about him - for a while and don't make a decision till you have to.

I feel bad myself...my girlfriend is in the exact same situation as you. She really likes the guy she's seeing, she just "doesn't know" if there is enough attraction. I made a silly comment about his weight and now I realize how difficult I must be making this for her. Like it isn't bad enough from strangers. She said that when they went to the movies Sat night, everyone was staring and whispering at them. My friend is thin, beautiful and totally into fashion. She likes to dress up when she goes out (even to a movie) and her guy is about 100 lbs overweight and wears sagging t-shirt and stretch pants. She likes him...but is having a problem getting over the appearances. She wants to try tho...so we'll see...but then, she never "swoons" over ANYBODY...

Good luck whatever you decide, Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 1:33pm
Thanks Go.

He's not as overweight as all that - definitely, strangers don't stare... but friends of mine who know my type are the ones who are shocked.

No sense in giving myself an ulcer, but this does feel like a test of my character.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 11:18pm
At least you're being honest. Well Thimble said it, give it a few more dates, if its really bothering I say you must back off and see what happens, how you feel not dating him anymore. Also he does deserve someone who will be much more comfortable to like him no matter how he looks, just as you said in your post.

You'll definitely feel really frustrated in this situation, you have to accept that. So bear with it until you make a final decision. Write down your feelings in a temporary journal (in a computer would be good, so you can permanently delete it once you've made up your mind, you can also password-protect it)...writing down one's feelings and then reading it again day by day is a good way to track your feelings/thoughts in this confused stage. I did it as well and it really helped.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 11:26pm
This is how I see it. If you're gonna spend the rest of your life with someone, you need to be able to roll over in the middle of the night when they are old and gray and still be absolutely in love with them, wrinkles and all. If you can't even do that now when he's young and unwrinkled, you don't have much of a chance. Attraction is attraction, and we can't really change it. It's not just about looks, but it's about chemistry, smell, behavior, etc. When I first met Joe, I didn't think he was that attractive at all. Everything else about him just made him a lot more appealing to me, though. It can happen, but I think that the other stuff- the chemistry- has to be pretty strong.

I think you've given him a chance. If he hasn't won you over yet, he's probably not going to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 10:18am
haven't you ever grown attracted to someone?

i have one friend, for example, whom i wouldn't have given a second glance normally. but since i've known her, i've gotten to find non-physical qualities about her that are so endearing that her personality just shines through to me when i talk to her. i'd ask her out myself if she weren't engaged to one of my best buddies. ;-)

i think its definitely possible for attraction to grow over time...

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 10:47am
It has- with Joe. Like with your friend, his other qualities made me see his "attractiveness". It's not that he's unattractive, I just didn't see it at first. That came fairly quickly after I got to know him, though.

With K, it came and went. One day I would be, one day I wouldn't. Part of it was his weight, but it was also his personality and looks in general. I gave him time to make sure, but ultimately, it did not grow enough with him.

I guess it can go both ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 11:01am
I have never "grown attracted" to someone before. I can't say whether that is because I have let my other issues get in the way of my dating guys who are more into it than I am at the onset, or if it is really because I had no attraction to previous unsuccessful suitors. For certain, I have always let my libido and my physical attraction lead in dating situations before, and lo and behold, nothing has ever lasted longer than four months. I really like this guy for who he is... it's the first time I've felt this exact way, really. I am certain that I have got a wonderful person here and the attraction so far is on-and-off, but previously I used to know whether or not I'd ever want to go to bed with a guy in two dates... and if the answer was no, he was outta there. I think I've got to give this a chance... hopefully within a month or two I will know, for certain, the true answer. At least, I tell myself, I am making an effort to grow as a person.

The only danger, i think, is sleeping together either too soon or too late. When to do it? I'd like to think I'll know, but prior experience tells me I'm just not the best judge of when to do this. Should I do it sooner rather than later, to try to cement a pheromonal bond? (I really do get turned on sometimes when we make out). Or do I wait until in my heart I can absolutely say that I do not notice those things I had perceived as physical flaws?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 11:37am
"Should I do it sooner rather than later, to try to cement a pheromonal bond? (I really do get turned on sometimes when we make out). Or do I wait until in my heart I can absolutely say that I do not notice those things I had perceived as physical flaws? "

try to cement a pheromonal bond??? do people actually have sex in order to do that???

lol. will wonders never cease...

i'd say: do it when it "feels right". i'm usually rationally minded about these things, but, objectively, i think you've already waited long enough, i think that now you just gotta go with your gut instinct...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 11:56am
Oops I guess that sounds weird! "Pheromonal Bond" I mean! It's just my little term for what happens when you have good sex with someone. I did date a guy last summer who I was very drawn to but objectively wasn't sure if I found attractive.... man were we all over each other after spending the night! Granted, it didn't last (it would have been very long-distance anyway), but it was tangible evidence that great sex really is part of the ties that bind.

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