So, 4th and 5th dates happened....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
So, 4th and 5th dates happened....
16
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 9:53am
I still don't know, I still don't know!!!

We had a great time on Saturday, dinner at my place and then a movie out. While we were at my place he initiated "a talk..." I was dreading it but it actually set me at ease somewhat, because he just said he's fine with it going slow, as long as it's probably going SOMEWHERE. I was able to confess to him that the physical thing is not 100% there for me yet, but that I can't say he's just a friend to me... we both agreed this situation lacks the giddiness that early-on dating scenes usually have. For some reason, I felt a lot less pressure when he confessed that he, too, is unusually calm and composed around me for it being so early in the dating process. So we saw a movie and called it an early night.

Sunday we met up in the afternoon at his place and he wanted to snuggle on the couch for a bit.... I'm so torn between how nice and affectionate it feels to kiss him, and how I feel (or rather, don't) when I step back and look at him. That's not all the time, either.... sometimes I feel very much into the idea, sometimes it just seems to evaporate. Anyway then we went to an event where there were people we both know (our first "public appearance"), and sometimes I felt a little uncomfortable. It didn't help that a friend of mine told me in confidence that she can see why I'm wavering... just when I thought I was getting over it!!

I feel so tested! Why did I have to meet a guy who is so wonderful, and have this one respect (his weight) be the hang-up factor?!?!?! I feel so awful about myself, I've had two crying breakdowns in the last 3 days. From what I know of him so far, I feel he deserves someone who will be proud to be with him, all the time... I just don't know yet if this is me or not. Why can't I get over my image fixation??? I know I will miss him terribly if I break things off, and I'll do so in the knowledge that I'm missing something great for a very shallow reason. I just can't tell if the lack of chemistry is a real lack of chemistry, or one created by my image obsession.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 5:37pm
Hi there - I have to disagree with you - I do not expect to be totally in love with my husband at all times or for all time - I do expect to love him and care about him a great deal and regard him as my best friend or at least one of my inner circle of best friends - no, it's not about settling but for me it's my reality that comes from observing the real life of the couples and people I know. It sure would be nice to be in love for the entire marriage but for me it is not essential.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 3:34pm
so if i really want a chick to fall for me, i should sleep with her?


i guess it doesn't really change my life that much. ;-)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 2:49pm
Oh, come on, Thim, I read about it in O (Oprah) Magazine, so it MUST be true ;-).

Seriously, current research indicates this is a factor.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 2:28pm
whaaat? no way... i call BS...
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 2:18pm
Actually, that's pretty much what happens. Women have some hormone (oxytocin?) that bonds them to men we sleep with. That's why it's not a good idea for women to sleep with guys too early; very few of us are able to separate the physical from the emotional bond.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 1:15pm
ah. well, i think sexual compatibility is extremely important in a relationship. maybe even as important as physical attraction! on the other hand, i think you're also right that sex can cloud your judgement... i dunno - having not had a lot of sexual experience, i really can't say much on the subject ;-)

pheromonal bond sounded like you were being sucked in by the other person's scent or something. hehe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 11:56am
Oops I guess that sounds weird! "Pheromonal Bond" I mean! It's just my little term for what happens when you have good sex with someone. I did date a guy last summer who I was very drawn to but objectively wasn't sure if I found attractive.... man were we all over each other after spending the night! Granted, it didn't last (it would have been very long-distance anyway), but it was tangible evidence that great sex really is part of the ties that bind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 11:37am
"Should I do it sooner rather than later, to try to cement a pheromonal bond? (I really do get turned on sometimes when we make out). Or do I wait until in my heart I can absolutely say that I do not notice those things I had perceived as physical flaws? "

try to cement a pheromonal bond??? do people actually have sex in order to do that???

lol. will wonders never cease...

i'd say: do it when it "feels right". i'm usually rationally minded about these things, but, objectively, i think you've already waited long enough, i think that now you just gotta go with your gut instinct...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 11:01am
I have never "grown attracted" to someone before. I can't say whether that is because I have let my other issues get in the way of my dating guys who are more into it than I am at the onset, or if it is really because I had no attraction to previous unsuccessful suitors. For certain, I have always let my libido and my physical attraction lead in dating situations before, and lo and behold, nothing has ever lasted longer than four months. I really like this guy for who he is... it's the first time I've felt this exact way, really. I am certain that I have got a wonderful person here and the attraction so far is on-and-off, but previously I used to know whether or not I'd ever want to go to bed with a guy in two dates... and if the answer was no, he was outta there. I think I've got to give this a chance... hopefully within a month or two I will know, for certain, the true answer. At least, I tell myself, I am making an effort to grow as a person.

The only danger, i think, is sleeping together either too soon or too late. When to do it? I'd like to think I'll know, but prior experience tells me I'm just not the best judge of when to do this. Should I do it sooner rather than later, to try to cement a pheromonal bond? (I really do get turned on sometimes when we make out). Or do I wait until in my heart I can absolutely say that I do not notice those things I had perceived as physical flaws?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 10:47am
It has- with Joe. Like with your friend, his other qualities made me see his "attractiveness". It's not that he's unattractive, I just didn't see it at first. That came fairly quickly after I got to know him, though.

With K, it came and went. One day I would be, one day I wouldn't. Part of it was his weight, but it was also his personality and looks in general. I gave him time to make sure, but ultimately, it did not grow enough with him.

I guess it can go both ways.

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