So disappointed

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
So disappointed
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 8:05am

For those of you who have been following my latest saga...things are not working out. He has disappeared.

I shouldn't be surprised. We went out two years ago (one time) and he never asked me out again. I got over that fairly easily and it wasn't weird when I would run into him. But I like to remain positive, and I like to think that sometimes it's just a timing thing, so when we went out this time, I was hopeful.

As you may recall, we went to his house on the first "date" this time. I had run into him at an event, and we ended up there. There was making out, but nothing more. A whole week later he asked me out for that Saturday (by text, and on that same day, mind you) but I already had plans (yay me!). I suggested Sunday, and so we went to lunch and movie and then a wine bar afterwards. I thought we were having a good time. But he did not kiss me goodnight--it was a sort of hug that I wasn't sure how to interpret. We were positioned kind of weirdly (hard to explain), but of course, if a guy wants to kiss you, he can certainly make that happen. OK, so whatever. There was a lecture coming up the following Thursday--I have seen him at these before and thought perhaps he'd like to go. I normally don't ask guys out in the beginning, but I felt this was pretty safe. Plus there was this nagging thought in the back of my mind that perhaps he wasn't really sure I wanted to pursue this. So perhaps I'm a little insecure--what can I say?

I thought the date went well. We went out after the lecture, and I invited him in when he dropped me off. He stayed about 45 minutes, I felt like things went well. However once again, no kiss goodnight, not even a hug goodnight this time. Hmmm. That was Oct. 24. A few days later, I sent him a link to something we had talked about. No acknowledgement. 

At that point, I figured that was it really, but I was still hopeful. You never know what is going on in someone's life and after all, I was quite attracted to him. We have a lot in common. I was wliing to wait a while--but not forever. I didn't make plans for that Saturday night, (which is sooo not the thing to do, I know) but of course, he didn't call. And I refuse to call or contact him--it's his turn. And there you have it: another one bites the dust.

Oh, I certainly spent a lot of time wondering what I might have done wrong, but you know, I really didn't do anything wrong. I go from being hurt to being mad, but I'm not devastated--it's not like we dated a long time and had sex or anything. But ultimately, I have to say that he's just not that into me. There really is no other explanation. Yes, you can say, "Oh, he's afraid of commitment, he's shy, etc., etc." but I 've got to agree with Greg Berendt: HJNTIY. Which hurts. It always amazes me when you meet someone you really connect with but they don't feel the same way. How is that possible? And I would love to know what he's thinking, and why he even bothered after two years asking me out again--what was the point of that, dude? 

So, if and when I run into him, I will be nice and won't question him about any of it. I will act as if nothing ever happened. 

Incredibly, another guy I have seen casually this year (one I'm not into) has asked me out three times. What sick joke is the universe playing on me anyway? BTW, I met both of these men via OLD five years ago.

I'm just tired. And I still don't understand why it's been so hard for me to meet someone. I'm tired of this sh*t.


Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 9:38am
I'm sorry FG. I know exactly what you're feeling. It really is so frustrating to want something that you just can't find. There will be another one along...eventually. Stay positive. That's the thing you have control of!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 11:18am

I'm sorry that things didn't work out.  I am getting really sorry of the "I like you as a friend" thing which seems like what happened to you.  When I met that guy this year who asked me out dancing & I thought it was a date & he later said it was just friends, I was also confused.  How was it that we got along so well, talked very easily and had common interests -- everyone would say it was "chemistry" but then if there was no chemistry at all on his part, why did he bother asking me out alone?  For men that I'd like to be only friends with, I might say that a bunch of friends are going to a dance, why don't you meet me there--I wouldn't go out with the guy alone & feel like I was leading him on.  I just wonder many times if I will ever get a BF again.  I sure hope so--we aren't that old where we don't care about it.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 12:33pm

I don't understand the confusion.  He's just not that into you honestly expect that every man you're "interested" in is going to get some kind of "vibe" that says he has to return the feelings?  How can it happen?  Easy.  You're looking for a man of your own, he's not looking for a woman of his own.  You go into a date and then analyze each and every thing that's said and done....and you interpret it in your own way.  You're not him, he's not you.  Maybe he doesn't expect anything at all on the first few dates.  Obviously you do.  Maybe what you need to do is to look at a "date" as an evening (or afternoon) with someone that you don't know well, and maybe you can get to know him better.  It sounds like you expect every first date to turn into a mad passionate love affair, and then on to a lifetime relationship.  I would rather date someone like this guy than a lothario that expects sex on the first date, and then you never hear from him again.  A good relationship takes a long time to build......and if after 3-4 dates you get the feeling that it's going nowhere, then don't go out with him again.  But, he might be a guy that is reserved, is shy, and it might take 6 months for him to appreciate you......or not.  Lower your expectations for the future, and take it one day (or date) at a time.  Stop analyzing every nuance and just go with the flow.  If you want to see him again, then call him.....or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 12:57pm

I hope you don't take this as being negative.  It is not meant to be.  A "date" is an opportunity for two people to get to know each other.  Later  a date becomes an opportunity to know  each other better.  I think if more people viewed a date as nothing more (or nothing less) than that there would be a lot less potential for disappointment.  Genuine good luck to you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 2:21pm

It's disappointing for sure when you're attracted to someone and they don't seem to feel the same way., but what can you do?  Maybe we shouldn't assume since we feel the chemistry it means that they do also. It could be as simple as he's just not looking for a steady relationship right now and wants to date around. Seems like I hear this saga over and over again from women our age though, so i can see why it makes us want to throw in the towel. Seems like a lot of them are either players or looking for younger women. Or we are not attracted to the ones that like us. What to do?


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 5:47pm

I think it's easy to go on a first date with the attitude of I'm just going to get to know this guy & hopefully we will hit it off.  The problem is after you have gone out on 1-2 dates and you find out that you really like the guy, it's hard not to hope that he will like you too.  I'm not talking about jumping the gun and expecting a serious relationship w/ someone you don't know well (which I don't think is what floridagirl was doing at all) but if you haven't had a BF in a while, and you meet someone halfway decent and compatible it's hard not to hope that you will continue seeing the person.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 6:30pm

I'm sorry, that sucks. 

I had a guy to disappear after a year of casual dating about ten years ago.  After three months, I couldn't stand it any longer and I decided to call him.  He had obviously deleted my phone number (or damaged/lost his phone and lost his contacts) but nor did he recognize my voice.  After a year of dating?  Really?  I could tell he wasn't joking around because I was determined not to tell him who I was, because I was so offended and it didn't help that he was naming off tens and tens of girls names, LOL.  He was begging me to give up my identity and I finally just said goodbye and hung up.  Never heard from him again . . . until two years ago.  He emailed me out of the blue.  He said he'd never settled down.  I think he wanted to get together, but I wasn't really feeling it.  Not even as friends. 

I think some men (like some women) are just a mystery.  I had a very close male friend of about a decade, who would date girls who I would become quite friendly with and they would confide in me that he never initiated anything, not sex, not dates, not even phone calls.  WEIRD.  This guy was a really interesting person (as well as pretty good looking) who was fun to be around, intelligent, too. I never got the guts to ask him what was up.  I know he wasn't gay.  We fell out of touch back in 07.

I'm not saying that your situation isn't a case of HJNTIY.  I guess the point maybe is that perhaps there could be a reason he's not.  Maybe he wants to be a bachelor.  Maybe he just wanted to get you into bed and he was faking the chemistry you felt.  My point is, don't take it personally . . . not that you are . . . but I know it's hard.  It's almost like when you were in grade school and there was that one group of girls who wouldn't let you play with them on the playground.  It's like, what's wrong with me?  I'm nice, I'm fun, I don't have a third eye ;) 

I have spoken to some women who say that when they're not interested in someone, they'll simply disappear.  I don't!?  I tell the guy that it's just not going to evolve into anything more and pretty much put the ball in their court as to whether or not we'll be friends.  I always wonder if the guys who ghost are cold hearted (like the women who ghost) or they don't want to hurt our feelings.  I guess in the end, it doesn't matter, 'cause either way, it's not going to feel too great.   



Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 9:24pm


Thanks for your thoughtful perspective. It really doesn't matter why a man doesn't want a relationship with a woman--in a practical sense, it's the same as HJNTIY. I had a male friend who actually reminds me of the guy I went out with. He died a few years ago, and I would have LOVED to get his take on my situation. Come to think of it, I had a total crush on this guy (we met in college) but he only wanted to be friends. Hmmm.

But yes, you really don't know what's going on in someone else's head. You don't know what their expectations (or lack thereof) are. I guess the thing that perplexes me about him is that we did go out two years ago, plus I have seen and talked to him on numerous occassions. I felt like I knew him, more or less. When he asked me out this time, I (wrongly) assumed that he had seen a side of me he hadn't really noticed before, that something clicked into place for him. I know that has happened to me before.

But, I don't guess I'll ever know. Like you say: a mystery.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 9:26pm

Gosh, Fissatore, your reply seems a bit...harsh. Perhaps you have already found the love of your life, or perhaps you have a steady stream of interesting, available men coming your way, allowing you to merely pick and choose at will.

Have you never met a guy and felt attracted and really wanted it to work out? I sure hope I'm allowed to feel a little giddy. I don't think a date needs to be like a G8 Summit Meeting, with overly controlled feelings and government-approved dialog. OF COURSE I know that dating is about getting to know the other person. OF COURSE I know that every first date is not going to turn into a passionate love affair. I'm not 16 years old, ya know? I know a good relationship takes time. Don't forget: I went out with him two years ago and I have seen him at numerous events where we talked. It didn't all just start a month ago. I figured he'd finally come to his senses. :)

It's not like I blew up his phone, or drove by his house banging on his windows or anything like that.

I also think there is a vast array of men in between "Lothario" and "David Copperfield."

I'm not going to lower my expectations, either. If I go out with a guy that I click with, I'm giving myself permission to swoon a little bit and imagine "what if." It doesn't mean I'm going to lose my head over it. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 11:04pm

I dont think he wasnt into you.. What I do think is that he was too into himself and that is ego got in the way of wanting to date or wine and dine you .. Probably just too lazy to have to put the time and work into dating....

Maybe he realized you're expectations were a bit much for him to handle so he ghosted.. I find men these days dont have the time, energy or money or whatever to date women.. It appears they want to have coffee and either hook up or get togehter real quick and not waste time on the dating thing..

I dont know man men these days especially as we age who will be courteous enough to put the time in to date a woman..