So disappointed

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
So disappointed
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 8:05am

For those of you who have been following my latest saga...things are not working out. He has disappeared.

I shouldn't be surprised. We went out two years ago (one time) and he never asked me out again. I got over that fairly easily and it wasn't weird when I would run into him. But I like to remain positive, and I like to think that sometimes it's just a timing thing, so when we went out this time, I was hopeful.

As you may recall, we went to his house on the first "date" this time. I had run into him at an event, and we ended up there. There was making out, but nothing more. A whole week later he asked me out for that Saturday (by text, and on that same day, mind you) but I already had plans (yay me!). I suggested Sunday, and so we went to lunch and movie and then a wine bar afterwards. I thought we were having a good time. But he did not kiss me goodnight--it was a sort of hug that I wasn't sure how to interpret. We were positioned kind of weirdly (hard to explain), but of course, if a guy wants to kiss you, he can certainly make that happen. OK, so whatever. There was a lecture coming up the following Thursday--I have seen him at these before and thought perhaps he'd like to go. I normally don't ask guys out in the beginning, but I felt this was pretty safe. Plus there was this nagging thought in the back of my mind that perhaps he wasn't really sure I wanted to pursue this. So perhaps I'm a little insecure--what can I say?

I thought the date went well. We went out after the lecture, and I invited him in when he dropped me off. He stayed about 45 minutes, I felt like things went well. However once again, no kiss goodnight, not even a hug goodnight this time. Hmmm. That was Oct. 24. A few days later, I sent him a link to something we had talked about. No acknowledgement. 

At that point, I figured that was it really, but I was still hopeful. You never know what is going on in someone's life and after all, I was quite attracted to him. We have a lot in common. I was wliing to wait a while--but not forever. I didn't make plans for that Saturday night, (which is sooo not the thing to do, I know) but of course, he didn't call. And I refuse to call or contact him--it's his turn. And there you have it: another one bites the dust.

Oh, I certainly spent a lot of time wondering what I might have done wrong, but you know, I really didn't do anything wrong. I go from being hurt to being mad, but I'm not devastated--it's not like we dated a long time and had sex or anything. But ultimately, I have to say that he's just not that into me. There really is no other explanation. Yes, you can say, "Oh, he's afraid of commitment, he's shy, etc., etc." but I 've got to agree with Greg Berendt: HJNTIY. Which hurts. It always amazes me when you meet someone you really connect with but they don't feel the same way. How is that possible? And I would love to know what he's thinking, and why he even bothered after two years asking me out again--what was the point of that, dude? 

So, if and when I run into him, I will be nice and won't question him about any of it. I will act as if nothing ever happened. 

Incredibly, another guy I have seen casually this year (one I'm not into) has asked me out three times. What sick joke is the universe playing on me anyway? BTW, I met both of these men via OLD five years ago.

I'm just tired. And I still don't understand why it's been so hard for me to meet someone. I'm tired of this sh*t.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Mon, 11-11-2013 - 1:40pm


You just defined it. The person's look plays a part. You were able to have deep conversations, share some interests that can also enhance your connection. As far as the je ne sais quoi. I've given it some thought and observing people. I can define mine but not sure how I can apply to my sitch to attract more men. For me, smell plays a part. I just realize it now when I accidentally went to the senior unlock party. This man asked me to dance, clearly too old (gotta be 70) and not a handsome older man either.  But I found his appearance pleasant. Why? b/c he smelled nice (besides being well-groomed).

Other less definable qualities: You can put this in the body language/personality category. Some people are more energetic in their interaction: louder voice, speak in an emphatic manner. Some people act more reserved, speak slower, more soothing voice. They eye contact. sublte flirtatious gesture. How the man carry himself is in this category,etc... So the non-verbal is more powerful than the verbal. 

I was at a meetup gathering the other day and observed two girls, this group was a bit younger.They were both pretty, one more than the other. But I found the less pretty one more attractive b/c of her more demure and sweeter disposition and more touchable looking hair. The other one was nice too but talked loud, the hair not as inviting looking. I often found, the most pretty girls are not necessarily the most attractive. Granted she cannot be butt-ugly but being the prettier girl isn't a requirement.  But I judge from a woman's  perspective. I don't really know what men look for.

I have never been able to attract a man by sight b/c I don't have a catchy look. But once a man talks to me, then my intelligence and charm shows through. I do need to work more on the flirting though.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 11-11-2013 - 12:06pm

@White_satin: I think "deserve" is a very loaded word. I looked it up in the dictionary:

verb [ trans. ]

do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment) : the referee deserves a pat on the back for his bravery | [with infinitive ] people who park like that deserve to be towed away.

I'll call the first guy Eric (the one I wanted). I'll call the second guy David. It's not that I don't think David is "unworthy" of me, or that I was "unworthy" of Eric. If you want to look at finances, David is actually quite well off, whereas I think Eric is more on my level. I'm not doing badly, mind you, but I don't make six figures, either. And if you compare looks, I'd say that Eric was better looking, but David wasn't ugly, however he was overweight when I first met him (but not now). But neither of these things are what particularly matter to me. I think attraction is very hard to define. It's a certain je ne sais quoi.

I think the thing that was most appealing about Eric is that we had a mind connection: we enjoyed a lot of the same cultural things and liked to talk about them on a deepr level. I also enjoyed his sense of humor. And I thought he was cute. David does not share my interests, and frankly doesn't think very deeply about anything. In addition to the mind connection I had with Eric, he also had that je ne sais quoi that I can't define: I found him sexually appealing. I don't feel that with David. However, one of the things I seek and prize in a relationship is being truly seen and loved for who I am. 

I don't think attraction can be analyzed really.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Mon, 11-11-2013 - 11:33am

I think the frustration comes from thinking you are deserving of the type of guy you want while the type that approach you don't deserve you.  I will  not elaborate on this as it can become a controversial subject b/c whenever you start talking about what you want and how some men don't measure up, it would ruffle someone's feather and will surely spark some posts that would put down the poster and admonish her to date down, etc...

But you can also apply this situation to others who are not chemically compatible as well. You can say you have chemistry with a guy that are not into you but no chem with the guy that is into you.

FG, what is it about the guy that you rejected that is not attractive. maybe we can help analyze the sitch.

Talk about chemical compatibility. I have a strong sense of smell. If someone smells good that automatically double their attractive quotion. Let that be a lesson to me as well and so be more mindful of how I smell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
In reply to: jt308
Mon, 11-11-2013 - 9:55am

Then by your definition, Free, Florida is also "too into" herself and her "ego got in the way", because at the end of Florida's post, she says there's a guy who is asking her out but she's not into him. So why does there have to be negative blame about the guy who no longer wanted to go out with her? Florida isn't blaming. As everone knows - unfortuntely, dating is trial and error - no matter how much there is hope someone will work out, they don't always feel or want the same thing. It's frustrating, but also a part of reality.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 11-10-2013 - 11:37pm

Hi Floridagirl,

I'm sorry. I completely understand how you feel. So tired of this sht too. Now I'm on OK cupid, go to meetups b/c it's lazy girl's ways to get out and meet people but it's not high yield. Now I'm considering getting more involved in professional organizations, but that takes work. It's going to take some time to come around.  Actually I don't put too much stock in the meetups, do it for fun really. It's like searching for needle in a haystack, on and on. You've heard my rant before...

So, no more negativity...Now, I've come to accept that it's all in God's hand. Clearly you're hopeless and disappointed for a few days maybe. Just think, God is saving you from the wrong man and with each wrong man, you're on your way to the right man.  Despite my zero yield so far, I feel pretty good about myself and what I have to offer. You just need to meet the right guy who appreciates what you have to offer that's all.

Last night I went to a meetup dance with my friend. We went mainly to have fun. Turned out it's a key and lock party for seniors. There were only a handful of 40-50 something there. We had fun dancing anyway. I got a bottle of cheap chardoney for unlocking a couple of men.

Just keep on truckin' as they say.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Sun, 11-10-2013 - 4:09pm

  Well I read the other posts and there is one thing missing.  How assertive are you.    It  appears that you wait for him to make a move rather that do the move yourself.  Perhaps your "vibe" is not easily felt.  Affection can be difficult to ascertain in another person.  Many people have been socialized to not make any move or show any body language to intimacy or affection.  What did you feel toward him?  What actions did you do?  Sometimes feelings take time. 

  However, there is always the cast iron skillet method.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 11:04pm

I dont think he wasnt into you.. What I do think is that he was too into himself and that is ego got in the way of wanting to date or wine and dine you .. Probably just too lazy to have to put the time and work into dating....

Maybe he realized you're expectations were a bit much for him to handle so he ghosted.. I find men these days dont have the time, energy or money or whatever to date women.. It appears they want to have coffee and either hook up or get togehter real quick and not waste time on the dating thing..

I dont know man men these days especially as we age who will be courteous enough to put the time in to date a woman..


Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 9:26pm

Gosh, Fissatore, your reply seems a bit...harsh. Perhaps you have already found the love of your life, or perhaps you have a steady stream of interesting, available men coming your way, allowing you to merely pick and choose at will.

Have you never met a guy and felt attracted and really wanted it to work out? I sure hope I'm allowed to feel a little giddy. I don't think a date needs to be like a G8 Summit Meeting, with overly controlled feelings and government-approved dialog. OF COURSE I know that dating is about getting to know the other person. OF COURSE I know that every first date is not going to turn into a passionate love affair. I'm not 16 years old, ya know? I know a good relationship takes time. Don't forget: I went out with him two years ago and I have seen him at numerous events where we talked. It didn't all just start a month ago. I figured he'd finally come to his senses. :)

It's not like I blew up his phone, or drove by his house banging on his windows or anything like that.

I also think there is a vast array of men in between "Lothario" and "David Copperfield."

I'm not going to lower my expectations, either. If I go out with a guy that I click with, I'm giving myself permission to swoon a little bit and imagine "what if." It doesn't mean I'm going to lose my head over it. 

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 9:24pm


Thanks for your thoughtful perspective. It really doesn't matter why a man doesn't want a relationship with a woman--in a practical sense, it's the same as HJNTIY. I had a male friend who actually reminds me of the guy I went out with. He died a few years ago, and I would have LOVED to get his take on my situation. Come to think of it, I had a total crush on this guy (we met in college) but he only wanted to be friends. Hmmm.

But yes, you really don't know what's going on in someone else's head. You don't know what their expectations (or lack thereof) are. I guess the thing that perplexes me about him is that we did go out two years ago, plus I have seen and talked to him on numerous occassions. I felt like I knew him, more or less. When he asked me out this time, I (wrongly) assumed that he had seen a side of me he hadn't really noticed before, that something clicked into place for him. I know that has happened to me before.

But, I don't guess I'll ever know. Like you say: a mystery.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 11-09-2013 - 6:30pm

I'm sorry, that sucks. 

I had a guy to disappear after a year of casual dating about ten years ago.  After three months, I couldn't stand it any longer and I decided to call him.  He had obviously deleted my phone number (or damaged/lost his phone and lost his contacts) but nor did he recognize my voice.  After a year of dating?  Really?  I could tell he wasn't joking around because I was determined not to tell him who I was, because I was so offended and it didn't help that he was naming off tens and tens of girls names, LOL.  He was begging me to give up my identity and I finally just said goodbye and hung up.  Never heard from him again . . . until two years ago.  He emailed me out of the blue.  He said he'd never settled down.  I think he wanted to get together, but I wasn't really feeling it.  Not even as friends. 

I think some men (like some women) are just a mystery.  I had a very close male friend of about a decade, who would date girls who I would become quite friendly with and they would confide in me that he never initiated anything, not sex, not dates, not even phone calls.  WEIRD.  This guy was a really interesting person (as well as pretty good looking) who was fun to be around, intelligent, too. I never got the guts to ask him what was up.  I know he wasn't gay.  We fell out of touch back in 07.

I'm not saying that your situation isn't a case of HJNTIY.  I guess the point maybe is that perhaps there could be a reason he's not.  Maybe he wants to be a bachelor.  Maybe he just wanted to get you into bed and he was faking the chemistry you felt.  My point is, don't take it personally . . . not that you are . . . but I know it's hard.  It's almost like when you were in grade school and there was that one group of girls who wouldn't let you play with them on the playground.  It's like, what's wrong with me?  I'm nice, I'm fun, I don't have a third eye ;) 

I have spoken to some women who say that when they're not interested in someone, they'll simply disappear.  I don't!?  I tell the guy that it's just not going to evolve into anything more and pretty much put the ball in their court as to whether or not we'll be friends.  I always wonder if the guys who ghost are cold hearted (like the women who ghost) or they don't want to hurt our feelings.  I guess in the end, it doesn't matter, 'cause either way, it's not going to feel too great.