So long. So Blah.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
So long. So Blah.
7
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 11:50pm

Throughout a majority of my four years in college, I was in a relationship with one guy. He was my first in sex, first love, etc. I come from a very tight-knit group of girl friends. They know my faults, my strengths, and love me no matter what, and I love them. A lot of them happened to have been single when I was in that long-term relationship with the guy I thought *maybe* I could marry.

Now, almost two years later, I'm single (he wasn't the one, whatdya know) and a majority of those amazing friends are in relationships that seem to be leading directly to marriage.

Ever since I became the single one, I've become super jealous of those in secure relationships. Which is crazy, because I'm so content to be single right now. I have roommates, but both he and she are gone a lot of the time, so I feel very single. I also feel lonely, but a lot of it is because I really like "me time". I like to come home from my teaching job and change directly into sweats. I like going weeks without shaving my legs. When I go to bed at night, I'm grateful to have my cat to snuggle up to as I quickly fall asleep and not some guy whose paws I have brush off because he's horny and I'm tired.

However...when I talk to my friends, who are the best friends a girl could ask for, I can't help but be envious of their relationships. And I have no idea why, because I WANT to go sleep without worrying about having to please someone. I want to keep eating Cape Cod potato chips (and not the reduced fat kind either) because they taste good, and frankly it feels great for not being judged for doing finishing a bag in two sittings.

I guess what I am jealous of is their security. Their confidence in the "this is it" factor. What I want to yell at them is that sometimes your first love is not your last...but with a lot of my friends, it seems to be that the relationships they are in (at 25) are the ones that both the guy and the girl seem to believe will last forever. I don't have that reassurance. I am still looking. I am still hoping to have kids in my twenties without any idea as to who will be fathering them.

What's awful is that I keep trying to counter their happiness with my own, and I've even gone to facetious lengths, such as "I've been seeing this guy and he just introduced me to his mom and sister, but I like being single at this point", which truthfully translates into "I haven't dated in six months and haven't tried once to get a date, coupled with the fact that no one is beating down my door". I emphasize the "perks" of being single so as to try my best to make them wish they were single like me.

So, I guess I'd be happy if all my friends were single, too...but since they're in happy relationships and I'm not...I'm kind of miserable. I know that says an awful lot about what kind of friend I am, and I'm not proud of it. I just don't know how to fix it.

I like being single right now because: 1) I wouldn't want a guy to see the current state of my body, 2) I'm over sex, even thought I'm 24 and haven't had it in months, 3) I'm selfish - the last thing I want to do after teaching kids all day is have to be "on" for someone else. I like to go home, veg out with my cat, and repeat.

I can't stand being single right now because: 1) The best of my friends are in what they perceive to be the last and most meaningful relationship they will ever have, 2) The longer I'm single, the more unrealistic my "goal" to be married and have kids at 28 seems.

I mean, take right now for instance. If I was dating someone, I'd be busy on this Friday night. I'd be having sex right now instead of sitting here. I'd have had all of these drinks to spice up the night with my man, not just because I was bored and it seemed like a good idea to finish a bottle of rum.

Anyone in a similar situation? If I could fast-forward to the point where I'm in a great relationship with a guy who I feel comfortable with when I'm in sweats, without makeup, and naked, that'd be great. But since I'm not, I have a hard time relating to my friends (who I do not want to grown apart from) who are either naively or realistically putting all of their eggs in one basket.

What can I do? Why am I such a bad friend and why do I want to be dating just to have that perfectly-envisioned-future instead of wanting the relationship that's core is formed is formed before kids and marriage ever are?

Penn

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 12:30am
>>I guess what I am jealous of is their security



Myth. Today's bf or gf is only a text msg or email away from being tomorrow's ex. It's happening all the time, you just don't know it. Call me cynical, but if you see a seemingly happy couple, just smile and think to yourself 'three months later at least one of them will be on yahoo or plentyoffish or whatever.'
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 1:04am

Reminding myself to check out whatever "plentyoffish" is. I guess what frustrates me most is how dishonest I'm making the friendships I've held for years.

Take now, for instance. Too many rum & cokes (at my south Arkansas school, we drank this like it was water) later, I lie because it makes my life as single w/o any prospects more appealing. But what's most appealing to me is babies. A toddler in those pajamas with feet that ensure warmth all night. Eating popcorn. I can't tell you how many times I've dreamed of this.

Just feeling disappointed in myself, I guess.

Penn

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 6:46am

I can certainly understand being jealous of friends who are in relationships. Our society is so couple and family oriented, that it can be very difficult to be single. I got married when I was 29 and was divorced 4 years later, no children. I don't really regret not having children but I really want to be in a committed relationship, and I haven't since my divorce in 1988. So it's been years of having close girlfriends followed by years of having no close friendships. I do pretty well on my own, I'm very self-reliant and enjoy my own company, but I really want to make a home with someone and share my life.

It's OK to not want to be in a relationship for a while after one ends. In fact, I think it's a healthier thing to do. Too many people rush right out and get into rebound relationships, just to avoid being alone.

There are some things in your post that do concern me, though. Am I reading it correctly in that you are lying to your friends about dating someone? This strikes me as kind of sad. It also seems as though sex has not been pleasurable for you, it seems as though you have felt pressured. Perhaps your previous BF was not a very good lover? If so, know that there are lots of men out there who are good lovers and who will respect your boundaries when you are tired.

I'm also concerned about your drinking. Now perhaps you've been drinking a lot just on this particular night, and there's nothing wrong with an occasional night like that. But if you do find yourself in this situation more and more, you may wish to seek counseling or help through AA. You also say you wouldn't want anyone to see your body right now. Are you possibly trying to keep men away by overeating? Believe me, I understand how food can be a real comfort when you're down. But my hope for you is that you will take better care of your health with better food choices.

You actually sound depressed to me. Perhaps you're just going through an especially down time and will rebound from this "naturally." Have you considered counseling? I have sought counseling at many times in my life and have found it very helpful.

Unfortunately, your friends are going to increasingly couple up and have children. I have found in my experience that when this happens, you are pretty much dumped, or just shoe-horned in to their lives when it is convenient for them. You can have great friendships with single women, but when they start dating someone, they will dump you, too. I know this isn't true for all people, but it seems to be true for the majority of women on this board.

I know you're going through a tough time, so hang in there. You are still so young, there is still so much life left for you. I wish you all the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 7:00am

Well it's not like if you are dating someone it's a guarantee that you are out with them on a friday night, I am dating someone and I was home last night watching TV and there is nothing wrong with us. He had to work.

You can't compare lives you just have to get out and live yours. The only way to get a guy to date is to get out there. If you don't feel comfortable doing online dating then get involved in something you enjoy where you can potentially meet people. I met a bunch of people through my season tickets for hockey, and they all had family or friends to set me up with, even befriending someone new, I did that as well I befriended a girl that sat near me, and she was single and then we started going out.

Comparing your life to your friends is just not productive.

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Smile,

Deirdre

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 8:11am

I think a lot of us have been through situations where we felt like all of our friends were coupling up and we were the only single ones left.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 6:58am

You are making a huge and IMHO incorrect assumption

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 2:23pm

I just had a thought...my step sister who I do not know anymore, met her husband when she was in her twenties.

Soliel