So mixed up
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| Sun, 12-11-2005 - 1:16pm |
I feel like such a loser today and like I need to return to therapy. I had a sexual fling with a guy and thought I could handle it, but I'm still reeling from it. I ultimately brought about the end of it because it never felt quite right, and I'm pretty sure he lied to and manipulated me all along. I can only blame myself because I made the decision to get involved. I then thought I was ready to start dating again and went out with a new guy last night, but only returned home to feel depressed because the fling guy was on my mind the entire time. I felt guilty for going out on the date and sent the poor guy an apologetic email saying I'm sorry but I'm just not ready to date. I took down my online profiles because I continue to receive messages and winks and instead of being exciting, it's overwhelming for me. I feel like I've turned into the flaky woman I try so hard not to be. I thought I had such a good head on my shoulders yet I continue to pine for the f@#%$ing fling guy and the physical relationship we had.
I've been posting obsessively on the message boards because it's my only release. And in the meantime, I have work and professional opportunities I need to turn my attention to, but instead I just walk around in a fog. I can't believe I'm behaving in this way, but I seem to have so little control over my emotions. I keep repeating all the sensible, rational things to myself (he wasn't right for me, he was shady, I have too much going for me, etc.) but then I just return back to this foggy, funky state of mind.
Anyway, I'm extremely lost, still hating the single sh@#% and realizing that I am so much weaker than I thought I was. I don't know what I am seeking by posting on this board.
I had the foresight to schedule an appointment with the therapist as soon as the fling ended. At the time I felt pretty good, but I was afraid I might lapse into depression a few days later. I used to be in therapy but stopped about six months ago. Turns out I was right in thinking I might need to return.
It's too difficult for me to continue exposing myself like this on the boards. I will get some help and take care of myself.
Edited 12/11/2005 1:27 pm ET by santabarbarachick

Don't beat yourself up! I think a lot of women today feel that we *should* be able to handle casual sex and feel inadequate, weak and "flaky" when we can't handle it...we DO get attached, and it throws us for a loop. Did you read the article I posted on the OLD board about FWB? I thought the sidebar about the effects of casual sex on men and women was really interesting.
What you've learned is that it's not good for you to dabble in casual sex because you get attached. I'm the same way, and you know about my recent "test" to see if I could now handle it from the OLD board and how that worked out ;-). It doesn't mean you're "weak"...it just means that casual flings are not for you. Honor that about yourself and don't be ashamed of it.
I'm glad you have an appt with your therapist...good for you for taking care of yourself.
Sheri
SBC - we have all been there! it is so hard to open yourself up again and feel -and then get hurt again.
Don't feel embarrassed for posting here - we're all here to listen and offer support if we can.
You will get through this. Eventually, you will be able to get through a whole day without thinking about fling guy. Until then, it's ok to let yourself feel the pain. If you let yourself feel it now, you are more likely to get through it so it won't come back to haunt you later.
Just remember to focus on your self care right now. Do whatever makes you feel better - if that's a hot bath, crying your eyes out, calling a friend, seeing a funny movie - do those things. Therapy is also a great idea. It's amazing how much the perspective of an outside party can help! It's really good that you're doing that.
Hang in there, sweetie! You will be ok.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Thank you. Today is the first day I cried about this. I thought it would be simple and easy to move on from someone I was involved with so briefly. But today is more painful than the day I realized it was over because the anger and irritation has subsided and now I'm mostly sad, lonely, and hurt. I wanted to start being braver emotionally and saw this guy as an opportunity, I guess. I placed too much trust in him and believed I could walk away without getting too emotionally torn up. I try not to focus on him and more on how I misjudged myself. And I guess this is why I no longer feel anger, but instead sadness and disappointment. This is much harder. I thought I had hit bottom with this whole matter and was moving on and looking forward, but now I think today I hit a new low.
This is why I thought it would be too difficult to stay on the boards. I don't feel strong anymore, and for me it took some fortitude and self-confidence to post details of my personal life. But these two responses alone have comforted me quite a bit, so thank you.
The lessons are fairly straightforward. I'll never have a fling or have a relationship that's primarily physical again. I'll heed the warning signs much more carefully next time. I'll be more self-confident and demand better for myself. One day, hopefully soon, these lessons will be embedded in my brain. But right now I just want to crawl in bed and fall asleep for a week.
I think most women get all torn up over these things because we kind of feel like we need to do everything like a man does it.
You got some good advice from the girls here. I know what you mean about thinking that you have hit bottom and then it getting worse. It's like the grieving process is not linear and it can be frustrating. It's a good thing that you are seeing your therapist and taking care of yourself. I am one of those people who ignores stress and unhappiness until I have a panic attack an am forced to deal with it. So you are doing the right thing for yourself and that deserves some credit. This too shall pass but the boards are a great place to let things out when you need an anonymous sounding board.
Take care!
Again, thanks. I didn't want to just bail from the boards after receiving all the advice and support of the last month. I am seeing a therapist today and I feel like I have so much to talk about--50 minutes won't be long enough. Plus this is the first time I'm meeting this therapist, so there will be a lot of introductory stuff to get through. But just knowing that I'm returning to therapy gives me some relief.
I saw my new therapist today and had a good session. I got a lot of things out and validation for the things I'm experiencing. I guess because it had been such a short relationship, I somehow didn't feel entitled to go through the roller coaster of emotions that accompanies a break up. I thought it should be easy because it was "just a fling." She basically gave me the permission to feel anger, sadness, and pain and said the length of a relationship has nothing to do with how difficult it is to get over it. I learned that I cannot have sex without attachment. I never REALLY knew this about myself because I'd never before had a quick, shallow relationship. But now I know.
The other great thing I got out of the session today was, I had felt like I had to stay in town at least through the week to finish up some work that I was doing. I felt like I had to tough it out to prove to myself that I was strong and not bothered by it all. She said right now I'm very tender and that forcing myself to stay isolated and away from my family is not treating myself well. She encouraged me to take my work with me (which is totally feasible) and change my scenery. This will not only make me feel better, but I will probably be able to accomplish my work more effectively because right now, I'm in my office, but I'm obviously not working. So I am taking off tomorrow instead of at the end of the week as I had originally planned.
We also agreed that a week is a very short period of time, even in the wake of a one month relationship, and that I will continue to experience ups and downs, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself for having difficulties.
So feeling a little more peaceful today. I'm glad I went to see this therapist.