So predictable

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
So predictable
14
Wed, 07-17-2013 - 8:56am

I went out for my birthday last night with a couple of women friends I used to work with. They are both married. We're really not tremendously close, but we did work together for years and still get together now that none of us are at that company anymore.

So the question I always dread came from one, "So what's new--anything new with your love life?"

Uh.

Me: "Well, not really. I was dating a guy very sporatically for about four years, but that seems to be over. We weren't really connecting, just going on casual dates."

Her: "Yes, but at least you get to go out and just have fun."

Me: "Not really. It's fun for a while, but I long for a connection, and it just wasn't happening. It really isn't fun after a while when you don't have enough in common with someone."

Second Woman: "You're just too picky."

Me: "Be careful, those are fighting words for me."

I then proceeded to tell them the story of Toothpick Man who I met from online. I invited them both to come over sometime and I'd show them the choices on match.com and then they could tell me I was being too picky. But once again, the single woman is enteraining the married women with these zany, unbelievable and horrifying dating stories. To them it's funny. To me it's not. Oh, at first it was. But it's not funny anymore.

They mean well. But they don't get it, and I know that. People who have never done online dating think it's like a giant Sears catalog of interesting men who you can choose from--make friends (with no resentment) with the ones you don't click with, and go on "fun" dates.

They have no idea.

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Wed, 07-17-2013 - 11:19am

They really don't have a clue. I've found most married women just think everything should happen for us the way it happened to them and if it doesn't, we're doing something wrong. So frustrating. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-17-2013 - 12:11pm

I don't know why people think it would be so fun to go on dates and spend hours with someone that you end up not liking--it's either boring or worse.  I'm lucky in that on those occasions where I do go out with married friends (usually from high school) they never ask me if I'm dating anyone--or do they just assume that since I've been divorce twice they shouldn't even go there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-17-2013 - 12:12pm

Oh & my mother knows that I'd like to meet someone & go on occasional dates, but I think the rest of my family just assumes that at my age maybe I should just give it up, which is funny since my uncle got a new GF when he was over 80.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Wed, 07-17-2013 - 1:09pm

I think they are just insensitive.  Most people don't ask me about my love life anymore.  I think they assume that a woman 50+ should just hang it up.

People who make assumptions like "you are just too picky" have not a clue. Some people cannot understand what they have not experienced.  For example, I am very blessed to be in health care and have an abundance of work options.  I would NEVER presume that someone who is struggling or unemployed is necessarily at fault or does not want to work.

 

I share your annoyance.  Who needs that when you are just trying to have a pleasant outing with friends? Happy belated birthday, by the way!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 07-17-2013 - 1:50pm

  Yep and the people on the site have not visited in ten years.  Your friends want to set you up with people they like but are not your type.  Men are worse, so I have very few male friends.  Women are more confusing.  No hope.Cry

chaika

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 07-17-2013 - 2:50pm

Happy belated birthday!  I hate the "who are you dating now?" questions.  I think it's kind of insensitive no matter the person's age.  I realize people will be curious but it's interesting that the people who ask the most are usually married.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 07-17-2013 - 2:52pm

Duplicate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-17-2013 - 9:08pm

Oh I just thought of this one as far as married people giving you dating advice when they don't have a clue.  I mentioned somewhere that I was sitting next to 2 women in the bookstore cafe when I overheard them talking about OLD so I joined in the conversation.  The single woman was talking with me about how horrible it is to try to meet someone.  The married friend pipes in "maybe you could learn about sports to attract a man."  Oh yes, that's a great idea--not!  I don't have to pretend to be interested in sports.  I am an avid football fan as far as not only understanding the game, but I know the players on the local team & can talk about it intelligently--I have put in my OLD profile that I like sports.  Oh and when I mentioned this to the guy I went on 2 dates with this year, he says "Men love women who like football."  No. They. Don't.  It doesn't matter in the least.  Now my 1st DH & I did share this interest in sports and enjoyed watching games together esp. before we had kids, so yes some men do appreciate it if women share their enjoyment of sports.  But basically men date women that they find attractive, the shared interests of any kind, I think come next.  And men figure they can just watch sports with their guy friends anyway.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 07-18-2013 - 7:52am

I agree. There are probably some men who find a sports-minded woman extra appealing, but I think most don't care all that much because they can watch with the guys or just zone out on the couch on the weekends by themselves.

I'm not interested in sports, and I just can't imagine feigning an interest to attract a man. I can't tell you how many people have suggested I take up golf, which is very big in Florida. I can't imagine a more boring pastime (no offense to you golfers). 

The same goes for car shows, Home Depot, sports bars, and deep sea fishing. Can you imagine people telling single men to go hang out at Pottery Barn, Sephora and fashion shows? First of all, I just don't think pretending you like something, or even just hanging around a mostly-male activity is all that productive, but more than anything, the message is: you need to change yourself for a man. I really chafe at that. If anything, we should all become even more of who we are and wave that flag. When we "silence ourselves" in order to be more appealing/pleasing, we're precluding a chance at true connection and intimacy. 

The fact is, you can meet men anywhere. It doesn't have to be the hardware store. But random meetings at Starbucks, etc. are pretty rare. One's best bet is to engage in an activity where they run into the same people on a regular basis. 

Another thing: on occassion, when someone is giving me little tips on how to meet men, I pose a challenge to them. I'll say, "Well, do you know of any men, around my age, looking for a woman about my age, without a ton of baggage, who you think might hit it off with me that you could introduce me to?" No one has ever been able to come up with one man. Not one. So, if they don't know of any, what makes them think I can easily find one? They always say things like, "Well, there is this man who I work with, but he's a real playboy...secretly gay...lots of drama...strange...five ex-wives...single for a reason..."

Exactly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
Thu, 07-18-2013 - 8:49am

Happy belated birthday! Smile

This is so annoying to read....and unfortunately so true for many of us. Few of my (hooked-up) friends understand how hard it is to meet single (and actually dateable!) men my age (mid-30´s). Yes please, let them introduce me to one guy they think is appropriate - and not to mention right for me! Not only that he is single and my age.  Nope, never happened. Not so easy after all, is it? And correct, it is not fun. It might be entertaining for them, but not at all for us. But I suppose some of them think we all like being single. It is not  voluntarily for me, but nothing ever happens even if I go out and do things. It angers me that some people think it is just going out and pick the one you want out there! Where are the good single guys then? There should be experts helping us out...and I do not mean OLD. That is not helping me at all.

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