So what do I do now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
So what do I do now?
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 3:54pm

I'm 23 and new to this board. Right now I'm really hoping for some advice and hopefully I can also be of help to others in the future.

Last weekend I went away with some girlfriends and I did something I've never done before and that I'm not particularly proud of. I really hit it off with a friend of one of the other girls husbands. After lots of drinking and dancing I ended up going home with him. Things definately went to far. I don't know what happens next. Should I contact him? Or is it better not to. We left it that we would e-mail each other but neither of us has - I was hoping he would make the first move.

The thing is I could end up seeing this person in social situations again. He also knows my brother and his wife. We live about 3 hours apart but our mutual friends live in city we both visit frequently. He's alo older than me - 30.

So I guess I'm just looking for a tasteful way to deal with this. Any suggestions?


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 4:52pm
Definitely let him contact you. If he's interested in taking things further, he will.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 7:16pm
You know, we've all had our moments of casual sex and one-night stands. You might not be proud of yourself, but don't hate yourself for it either-you're both single and not committed to anyone else, right?

You say things definitely went too far-are you interested in pursuing this guy beyond the one nighter? Or is it awkward and you're trying to close up the situation in the easiest way possible?

If you're interested, email him and say you had a great time; you're a little embarressed 'cause you normally don't do that, but you'd like to see him again next time you're in town, maybe for dinner?

If you want to end things quickly and quietly, don't email him, and if he emails you, tell him the same thing I said above, only end it w/o the dinner invitation. It may be awkward if you see each other again right away, but it's better to have it dealt with and be able to share a private grin, then to run from an awkward situation 'cause of some harmless sex.

Good luck!!! =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 9:49pm
I think treating this for what it was is an excellent sugestion - it was a one night stand involving physical gratification - period, the end.

If you want to see if he wants to date - highly unlikely since he didn't pursue dating but pursued sex - you'll likely have to ask him out. If you do - realize that sex is going to become integral and involved immediately and without alot of good communication on both your parts that is quite honest - it might be difficult to discern if you're involved out of guilt of "not being like this" - and he's involved out of the ease and benefit of "being in this".

If he doesn't contact you and you choose not to contact him....accept a few other "facts" that are just assumptions but are safe to make and easier to deal with if having made if they turn out to be accurate as facts. Assume that he's going to tell his friend, who's going to tell your friend - that the one night stand occurred. So be prepared to take the adult approach if asked that it is none of anybody's business- and don't go spilled your guts or your guilt or your anxieties about it to inappropriate parties. Notice I said "inappropriate parties" - not "don't tell anybody because you did something wrong, bad, indecent, or immoral" - you didn't. You had sex with someone for physical gratification - that is none of those things. It was consentual between legal age adults with no expectations for more.

Be prepared when you see him next, if there is no contact until then between you two, that he might again approach you for sex, or he might come with a date, or he might take home some other girl for the evening even though you're around. None of which is untoward or inappropriate given the true facts of the situation - he has no obligation or commitment to you, and you both agreed to sex without involvement or commitment before and there's no reason for him not to assume you might be willing to do that again. Graciously saying no - if no is the answer you wish to give should the offer stand - is not inappropriate. Notice I said graciously - not viciously, spitefully or tearfully.

So, this was a one night stand....I'd say don't justify it due to drinking otherwise you'll remain under the delusion that this is "nothing like you" - when in reality this is you - your values entitled it, it's just that the alcohol inspired it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 6:38pm
Just a question: do you find men more attractive if they are attached to someone else (i.e. married) ?

Three little words here: F.Y.O. (Find Your Own)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 06-22-2003 - 8:35pm
well in light of my own recent situation i went out with a guy the second date we fooled around but no sex he all of a sudden got scared and dosen't seem to be interested anymore in dating he hasn't called me or anything like that so i would have to say i'm cutting my losses and moving on you should forgive yourself before you scar yourself emotionally and move on and next time don't drink so much
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 10:26am
I had to go back and read it too. She really said a friend of another girl's husband.
Avatar for skinny42
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 12:11pm
The "tasteful" way to deal with this is to just forget about it. DO NOT contact him, and if you see him in a social situation, pretend nothing happened. Don't tell anybody. That will likely do more harm than good. If you should ever hear from this person, explain to him that you made a mistake and it won't happen again. I suspect you're not his first extracurricular activity, and you won't be the last. Summon up your self-respect, move on, and be the kind of woman whom you admire, not the kind you disrespect.

Oh, by the way, you need to trust me on this one. I've totally been there. The first message board I ever visited was the "Ending an Affair" board. My 5-year affair with a married man started out just like your situation. It is not worth the trouble.

Best Wishes


Avatar for skinny42
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 12:26pm
Wow! Sorry, Porcelain. I did not read your post as carefully as I should have. I really thought this guy was married!

Anyway, you had casual sex for the sake of sex. I hope you used a condom. Don't be surprised if this guy doesn't call or write, and I still suggest pretending it didn't happen. I did stuff like that, too, when I was 23. It doesn't make you a bad girl, but try to be a little bit choosy. You won't regret it.

Best wishes,