Some gf advice, please?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2013
Some gf advice, please?
7
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 12:05am

Hello everyone,

I found you after a long internet search.  I have a dilemma and I'd love some perspective. This seems like the place to get it. My real-life bff just wants me to be happy, although she does tease me about the situation I'm in.  I don't have a clear idea what I should do and I feel bad.

I am 44 and I met a man who is 47 and going through a divorce after 27 years married.  He's tall, good looking, and intelligent.  But he's neurotic, his willy doesn't work for more than a few strokes, he's got incredible hang ups about all kinds of things, he is a pathetic puppy dog doing anything I ask and following me around begging me to spend time with him every available second. I have a busy career!  I don't want a f/t man and I've told him that from the start.

After 4 weeks, I couldn't take it anymore, so I dumped him quite clearly.  He sent several tearful emails and then told me about how he was making all the changes I'd suggested.  He was changing his "dopey dad" wardrobe, trying to get a better job, trying to stop letting his soon-to-be-ex hint how she's been sleeping with another man (age 24) in his house, etc.  I really feel pity for this guy, but pity and attraction don't mix well. 

For the four weeks, he would often talk in baby voices, and make pouting faces like a little boy when he didn't like something. I felt like I was dating an unusually handsome 7 year old.

So I needed some help with my move and I let him help me.  He was so happy! He didn't push and was on his best behavior. Kept saying, "See? No baby voices!"  I didn't resume our sexual relationship, because frankly, he sucks in bed.  His ex-wife always told him he was bad in bed, and I didn't say it, I just walked out.  Because he is.  That was 3 weeks ago. I've now known him 7+ weeks total. He asked me randomly, "Is sex really important to you?"  I said, "I don't want to remarry. There are only two reasons to date: sex and conversation."  So he bought Viagra online that night and when it shipped, he called me to invite me to...experiment.  Except I don't want to. I have zero chemistry for him now, although it was 100% when I met him.

I now live 3 hours from him instead of 7 minutes.  He helped me move. He wants to drive up and "prove to me" that he can please me. That sounds tedious, given the difference in our sexual behaviors and preferences.  He keeps begging, and I feel sort of guilty because I text him and talk to him (not sexually or flirtatiously) because I'm lonely in my new place - I don't know anyone here. He's now told me he loves me twice, which is horrifying because he actually knows almost nothing about me.

I don't want to crush him. When I broke up with him before, he had to take 2 days off work to cry!  His ex wife is being very mean, but he kind of acts like a doormat with her, me and his grown daughter.  He's not got one ounce of manhood in him, in my experience of him. I don't want to make his life worse, but I wish I'd never met him, frankly. And I CERTAINLY wish I'd never begun a sexual relationship with him.

Any advice? Do I sleep with him one last time and then be geographically unavailable (because I am?)  Or do I just stop all communication like a high school kid?  Having an adult conversation with him doesn't work, because he isn't one emotionally.  Help! Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 12:37am

I don't really have any advice for you.  It just saddens me that there are so few viable men in our general age group.  They all seem to have some sort of dealbreaker, whether it is unattractiveness, money issues, sexual issues,health or personality issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2013
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 12:44am
In this one's case, it's more like E) All of the above. Thanks for your perspective.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 9:37am

Hi

There is a Dr.Phil quote if you know of him that I love so much..

"Its better to be healthy and alone than to be sick with somebody else".....................

Time to just  move on ... as you still can find someone at 44 years of age..

Good Luck

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 9:55am

Let him hit bottom.  He has to grow up get his life in order.  passive aggressive is hard to deal with and he is in need of counseling to get over the divorce and move on with his life.

  No do not sleep with him.  Cut him off.   He needs to stand up to his soon to be X.  Who if he behaved this way during the marriage has only contempt for him.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 11:32am

I don't think having sex w/ him is the answer--what if you have sex, it's still bad & then you don't want him as a BF (which you probably wouldn't even if the sex was good due to all his other issues)--you'd crush him even more.  He doesn't sound emotionally very healthy--who needs to take off 2 days from work when someone you've only known a few weeks breaks up with you?  He just sounds very needy.  If he didn't have so many problems you could agree to be friends, but it sounds like he wouldn't respect that and keep trying to get you to be his GF, so I think you should just cut him off completely.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 04-20-2013 - 1:58am
You aren't responsible for his happiness! Your own is far more important. It's good that you're concerned about his feelings, but it can't be at the expense of your own. Cut him off cold turkey. It's not a high school thing to do. It's what you do when you really don't want to communicate with someone anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001
Sat, 04-20-2013 - 2:57pm

I think that continuing to communicate with him, for whatever reason, is probably leading him on and giving him false hope, and let's not even talk about having sex. He seems like a very needy and emotionally unstable person and needs to work on those issues. I think it would be best to cease all communication.