Some guys do not give up..what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Some guys do not give up..what to do?
9
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 11:42pm

So I really wish some guys would 'take the hint' so I didn't have to be rude but I'm not sure what to do in this situation.

I went out with this guy that I went to university with last summer for about 3 weeks. It was okay, I mean we had good conversation and everything but he became increasingly needy and then started going on and on about how 'I was too good for him' (first off...umm...if I thought that why would I keep seeing him? - he did this on and on, it got to be a bit much). After a few weeks I just told him I wasn't really into dating right now and just wasn't seeing a long term possibility here.

Everything was fine, we left it at that although he did call me a few times periodically in the next 3-4 months to see if I wanted to go out, which all times I politely declined.

Then, a few weeks ago I was on msn and he came on (hadn't talked to him in about 8 months I believe). He has a teaching degree and I'm going back to get one so I asked him a few questions about it. Then tonight he decides to call me up at home and ask me out.

It was just so on the spot. I mean I have no interest in dating him, I thought I made that clear the first time? and now he wants to go out again...? Even just as friends it would feel awkward since we've kissed and stuff (didn't sleep together though). He said for me to call him tonight when I had a free night. I had no idea what to tell him over the phone. Has anyone ever dealt with a guy like this before?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2006
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 12:38am

OK - as a guy I am not sure I can provide with a definite solution because I have never over-pursued a woman after she has siad no to more dating.

There are a few women that I still have contact with, that we went on a few dates etc -- even though I am living with my SO now and our families are together. They or I might call asking about advise -- but NEVER to do something with them... Advise is usually on the professional level or since I am into computers -- I have helped them with PC issues -- even gone to their houses.... which my SO has no issue with -- there is trust there and she knows whom I am talking about - nothing is hidden.

But in your situation, just tell him that ANY conversations will be held online at best and that they are to be professional in nature. Please understand that I have no intention of going on a friends date or a romantic interlude with you for that matter. Besides, my current BF would not approve of me dating another guy -- since I am not a good liar, he would see right through me and I would not want anything to happen.

Hey it is try or shot over the bow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 4:29am

i've had a guy like this nearly a year now, unfortunately at work (though in a diff. dept.).

when we first met, we had flirted some, and he ended up asking me to a movie and taking me to dinner. dinner and a movie - it felt like a date, but then he didn't hug me or get out of his car to walk me to the door. well, i couldn't stand it. i called, and asked, "was that a date we just had?" "no!" he replied. "no! not yet."

well, i was mortified and confused, and that was it for me. i thought about avoiding him at work (we normally ate with the same group of people), but i decided that i would do my best to shrug this thing off and just go on with my life uninterrupted.

so i kept being friendly with him, and he asked me for a drink, then another meal, and another meal and he went to church with me. he ended up becoming very interested in me, told me i was beautiful and fascinating and told me he wished he had said our first outing was a date.

by that time, i had reunited with another love, and told him so, thinking that would clearly be the end of this odd story. well, it was, for a little while. but every few weeks, out of the blue, i would get flirty emails from this guy, or he would seek me out if i had taken my dinner downstairs, and he would express his regrets about our "date" or just send me a very icky vibe. and this is while i had been diligently avoiding him.

one evening, a coworker wrote to me that this guy had been inquiring after my dating situation. this really upset me, and i decided we needed to clearly end this once again. i wrote him a letter saying his questions were inappropriate, that i was not interested in him in any way, and that i was upset that i had been forced in these last months to purposefully avoid him because i felt he still had feelings for me. i tried to make it sound quite final and firm.

he then called me in the middle of the night, caught me off my guard, and expressed more regrets and asked what he had done wrong - why we hadn't ended up together. i said i felt very strongly that we just weren't compatible, and that wouldn't change.

that did help things for a while. i didn't see him for almost a month, and when i saw him downstairs one day, it was comfortable. i was very relieved, and we would chat downstairs every couple days when we would see each other. but he started to chat longer and longer, and then he divulged some very emotional things with me, and asked if we could go to church together that week. i gave a "we'll see" answer, and he said "well, call me." of course, i didn't, and i haven't seen him since (about a week). is that the END? i doubt it.

that is such a long story. i'm sorry! and it's not really advice, either. but it is sympathy. i always thought i wanted this from a guy, but i see now that it can really suck. what i've found from the situation is that giving him *any* attention, anything, even if it's just being polite, is like giving him some sort of hope. for a while, i had even tried being rude to him, but that didn't work, either.

it sucks to change your life to avoid someone, but it seems to be the most effective thing. i would say defintely don't go out with your guy in any capacity, and don't even allow any contact at all. if he emails, just don't reply, and don't reply to messages.

i wish a lot of times that i could undo everything with my guy. i feel like i made a big mistake in going out with him those few times, and that now i'm paying for it. ugh.

good luck, let me know what happens. hopefully, nothing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 3:36pm

If you're feeling uncomfortable at the idea of even hanging out as "just friends," then there's nothing wrong with that - you don't have to be friends with him, or anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 10:32pm

Thanks for the replies. I guess I just sometimes wish people wouldn't pursue quite so hard. I mean I guess I didn't come right out and tell him I did not wish to speak with him at all, it probably would have been best to not send him a message on IM altogether, as he seemed to have thought that was his clear signal to call me. It just bothered me that he'd call me in my own house out of the blue like that - put me on the spot and it's really hard to tell someone (at least for me) over the phone that I really don't want anything to do with him.

There is no reason to keep contact with him though, professionally or otherwise. I just have to hope he dosen't call my house again (we don't have call display) and if he does I guess I'll just have to politely tell him I really don't feel comfortable doing anything given our past.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent and the advice again.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:01am
Unfortunately, some men do not know how to be friends. When you reached out to him (even though it was innocent) on MSN, he may have taken it as, "Okay, enough time has passed and I am ready to date again". You can either call him and nip it in the bud or wait for him to call, as I'm sure he will, explain that perhaps you had not been very clear in the past but . . . just lay it all out on the table for him. Fortunately for me, I have only had to do this twice but I must warn you, it's not fun.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 4:32am
it is uncomfortable to be put on the spot, and frustrating to have to tell someone "no" when they really should already know. i know it's really tough for me to say to someone that i don't like him and don't want to see him. but i take comfort in my theory that for guys who can't take a hint, the blunt and difficult words are actually the kindest thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 10:43pm

Thanks again for the replies. Yah, I think I'll just have to be completely straight but blunt with him. I think, and it's bad, but I just feel so bad saying no and 'rejecting' I suppose so to speak that I probably give the hint that the door might still be open or just not make it completely clear that I don't see it happening EVER, not just at that particular time. It's definitely something I need to work on with dating in general.

I actually avoid a lot of the time, with online dating in particular, meeting a guy unless I see strong potential because I just hate dealing with what happens if I don't see any long term chances (I don't like dating just for the sake of dating).

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 9:11am

Sometimes, you just have to be blunt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 10:33pm
That's a good point as well, I guess a person just needs to keep in mind while dating that we do need to watch out for our own selves too. Often times I firstly put too much stock into what other people think of me (it's one of my own issues I need to work on) but then also put too much stress on what happens if our first, second or third date doesn't go so well. It's just all part of the dating game I suppose...