Some thoughts on the friend thing

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Some thoughts on the friend thing
37
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 10:59am

We had a couple of threads recently about friends who disappear when they start dating someone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 11:29am

I think I know what you mean and I think I've done that before myself.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 12:43pm

I'm sorry that you feel like nobody wants to hear about your budding relationship. I can understand why you might feel that way, though. I personally enjoy reading the more positive posts, but at the same time I'm glad that people feel comfortable coming here and unloading when they are feeling like the only single person(s) out there.

As far as your theory on friendships goes, I couldn't see myself disassociating in order to make someone feel more comfortable about their own relationship status. When I'm in a relationship, I may be more busy but I still need those friendships in my life.

Know that I'm not disagreeing with you. I just think, if a friend questions my ability to handle something as fundamental as their happiness, I would have to wonder where I went wrong as a friend. I would never want anyone to think that they had to edit themselves around me. No way. That would suck.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 12:47pm

Hmm. I can't imagine not wanting to hear about a friend's relationship, assuming of course that it's not the *only* thing she talks about (but that rarely happens). Why wouldn't I be happy for her? So rather than assuming, why not ASK if it bothers the other person? I would feel more hurt at being excluded, frankly.

I love hearing about people's relationships--it gives me hope.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 1:01pm

I don't think I've ever cut someone out of my life, but I can certainly see myself censoring things for certain people.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 1:05pm

Ask them?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 1:20pm

Well, yes, if they are a good friend, and they feel that way, they they might actually be truthful and say, "you know what, even though I'm happy for you, it does make me a little uncomfortable, but I really appreciate you asking and taking my feelings into account." And that gesture alone might make them less uncomfortable about it.

I guess if you're talking about an acquaintance rather than a good friend, then they might not be honest with you, but a good friend would be truthful, IMO.

My point is, you should never *assume* that you know what someone's thinking. Asking is much more respectful of the other person than assuming.

Sheri

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 1:23pm

You have a point ; )

Honestly, several years back I actually remember complaining to one friend about another. She was constantly talking about this guy wanting her and that one. She's an insecure girl and had to feel as if every available (and unavailable) guy wanted her. She just went way overboard. I knew she was telling the truth because she happens to be in great physical condition, is beautiful and has a master's degree from an ivy league school. I don't know why she's so insecure? Anyway, I remember telling the other friend of mine that I wished that she would keep some of it to herself because her stories were starting to make me feel like a total loser. Keep in mind though, she wasn't coming to me about one particular guy or one particular relationship. It was always throngs of men. I couldn't keep up! There I was, not dating anyone while she had a bevy of men at her beck and call ; ) I don't feel as if I have to defend myself here, but that was the only instance where I can remember complaining about something along these lines . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 1:41pm

I've been getting the same vibe from the board lately which is why I havent posted much. I'm attached and I dont feel like posting my stories is something Im comfortable with or is appropriate at times. However, I keep coming back because I like this board because its easier to follow than say the 20 something board which has hundreds of members and hundreds of posts everyday. I like this board because of the wide variety of people and the wide variety of topics talked about. This board and the LDR board are the only two boards I post on. I read several others but this board has one of the best "communities" on the site. Sometimes I wish there were more guys on here to offer their perspective, but its also a womens site so I get it too.

I do think that friends dont always want to hear it, but I think like everything else you need a good balance of things that are important. So as long as people dont make their relationships a complete focus, then I think its ok. Sometimes its inevitable when things are exciting like an impending wedding or baby and people get really wrapped up in the moment. I know that if/when I start planning for our wedding in January, I'm going to try my damndest not to get annoying to the folks around me. I think if its really bad, just a soft reminder of their behavior is all that it takes to bring them back to Earth.

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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 3:29pm

I have not been posting until very recently but remember your screen name. Congratulations on your engagement!

I agree with what you had to say about this board. It feels more like a real community to me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 4:05pm

Well....we're a bit weird...

We're kinda backwards...we have a date set, location in mind and he asked for my ring size last week. I see him in 13 days and we'll be together for 10 days so I imagine somewhere in there, he'll make it official. Hence the "if/when" qualifier.

But thank you anyway :)

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