Some thoughts on the friend thing

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Registered: 03-20-2003
Some thoughts on the friend thing
37
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 10:59am

We had a couple of threads recently about friends who disappear when they start dating someone.

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Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 1:03pm
It is the timing thing that is the most difficult thing. I generally get along with a lot of different personality types and friendships and love relationships are important to me so I find it difficult to juggle a boyfriend, lots of good friends and my hobbies and work. I know it's a good problem to have but it does tend to stress me out because I worry about how others are feeling a lot and dont' want anyone to feel like I"m too busy to hang out sometimes.
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Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 1:10pm
I don't think shy was talking about ditching her friends or talking about men all the time with them. That wasn't her point in the post. If you are happy in a new relationship you do want to bring it up sometimes because it is a big part of your life. I don't bring up my new relationship that much with my friends. Just enough to talk about it briefly and tell them what we ended up doing or that I'm happy in general. I never really go into too much detail and then I talk about other things. I find that if I talk about it too much with any of my friends who are single or in a relationship it doesn't matter, any of them would get annoyed with that and I would also be focusing too much on one thing which is not healthy. I think the point she was trying to make is that she finds it hard to bring it up at all on the board or with friends because she feels as if she's rubbing it in. I can relate but I'm getting more comfortable bringing it up sometimes with my friends because it isn't fair to ASSUME that they don't want to hear about it. I guess all I can do is to ask them if it's getting too much or too annoying and they dont' want to hear it anymore.
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Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:21pm
If your friends are really decent friends they would not think you are rubbing it in. If you are not self absorbed than you wouldn't talk incessantly about yourself anyhow when you are with your friends anyhow and you wouldn't ONLY talk about your boyfriend. That's my point. So I don't know why this would limit your time with your friends when you get a new boyfriend or feel like you were rubbing it in.

Smile,

Deirdre

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Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:54pm
Well, I do have a friend who does get VERY sensitive about the topic of my new relationship even though I rarely bring it up. I am actually worried about talking about it with her so I don't for the most part. She has felt like she is losing me to him and that she's being replaced even though I have tried to reassure her time and time again that this is not the case. We did hang out quite a bit beforehand and this is why. I think that your time with your friends does dwindle a little bit when you are in a relationship, especially when you have hung out with that friend very often. I have had to balance my friendships with my relationship which has been difficult for me especially with my really good friend who I hung out with a bunch. I don't think you can avoid not having your friendship time dwindle a little when you get into a new relationship because you have one more person in your life to spend time with and get to know and some of your time has to go to this person if you want to establish a relationship. I would love to have my new boyfriend included in some of our friendship outings so my time doesn't have to be separated all the time, but I have found it difficult to do that because it's just getting everyone to know each other and feel comfortable having him incorporated into the group sometimes. Of course there is a need for girls nights and outings and I do make time for that as well. It is tough balancing all this (at least for me) and I know that my friends for the most part don't mind hearing about my new man as long as I don't talk overly excessively about him which I never do anyway. I'm still working on the balancing thing because this relationship is still new and I know that with time I'll get better at doing that but for now it's been a great stress of mine because I try to make everyone happy all the time and in reality I would love to have more time in general to spend with all the important people in my life who I care about.
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Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 3:09pm

I think that may be an issue with your friend and not you. If your friend cannot be geniunely happy for you, who is somewhat resentful, than maybe she has her own issues. You know? I think this may be the exception and not the norm.

Obviously anytime you have to split your time between more people it's going to change but I have had friendships completely end practically because a man was in the picture, there are women who can't do it at ALL and I don't agree that it's because they don't want to rub it in, it's because they just can't do it, they view friendships as a means until the man comes into the picture, a stepping stone as you will until the "couple" friendships are in place and have no room for single friends. I've had it happen to many times for it not to be true.

I've been married. I've been able to manage single friends, married friends, engaged friends and friends with children with no trouble at all. You just need to make an effort and when you are with the people you are with give them the attention. There is nothing more annoying than when you are with a friend having lunch she's on her phone texting, calling her boyfriend. If you can't spend an hour with your friend having lunch and hang out then don't bother. You know? That hour away from your boyfriend/husband etc won't kill you. (generic you, not biochic you).

Smile,

Deirdre

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Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 3:48pm
I agree with everything you said. I do know that my friend is having some insecurity issues coming up big time and it's because of a lot of hardships she's had to go through as a child and as an adult and I understand because I've had similar insecurities and still do sometimes to a certain extent so I'm trying to be patient with her. Well, especially since her Dad just passed away I'm going to be extra-sensitive to her feelings. HOpefully these things will work out and we'll be able to maintain our friendship. I think we will and I will be doing my best to be there for her when she gets back home from having to deal with her family affairs. In fact I've tried to talk to her on the phone everyday since she has been gone and for the most part we have done that.
I do think you need to find a healthy balance. Friends should not be stepping stones until you find a boyfriend because that is not healthy. You need to have friends in your life regardless of whether you are single, in a relationship or married. People who cut out all their friends and get so engrossed in their relationships eventually will realize that they made a mistake because you need several support systems and people in your life and your significant other can't be your only support. No one person can fulfill that role. Besides your good friends are there through thick and thin and through relationships and breakups so sacrificing that is not good.
Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 8:09pm

Did I say that I ditch my friends?

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 8:19pm

Right...and when kids come into the picture, you don't ever see that friend again.


I think that if someone has a healthy outlook on life, the time thing might be an issue.

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Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 9:00pm
I didn't say you ditched your friends (specifically) you wrote that there were discussions about friends that disappear and your conclusion was that maybe x-y and z and I said that I can't get behind your assessment on that.


Edited 12/12/2006 9:10 pm ET by lovinhockey17

Smile,

Deirdre

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 9:13pm

It was this line that made me think you were speaking directly about me:


You hang around with friends not to just talk about men do you?


I didn't take that as a collective "you."