Some thoughts on the friend thing

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Some thoughts on the friend thing
37
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 10:59am

We had a couple of threads recently about friends who disappear when they start dating someone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 6:17am
It makes posting on a message board difficult sometimes.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 12:29pm

"Right...and when kids come into the picture, you don't ever see that friend again. "


So true. I've lost 3 friends this way already. I seem to lose more friends to kids, than r'ships (be it dating or marriage).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 3:01pm
Yup, kids are definately what makes friendships fall into the background because they are hard work. At first I didn't understand with some of my friends and my sister and then I've babysat my niece a couple of times and NOW I completely understand how kids can be so time consuming to the point where you just don't see your friends nearly as often as you had before. My good friend C (the one who's Dad died) told me on the phone last night that she is so used to all her friends just meeting someone, getting married and having children and just disappearing overall. She said she has dealt with this for the 6 years that she's been single. I can understand her disappointment. She was saying that priorities of people change when they meet a significant other and then start families. I do agree with her and I know how she feels because I've been there for awhile and now I'm starting to be on the other side of it so if I am single without a SO in the future again and things don't work out with J then I will also understand the other viewpoint too now of people that are in couples having to balance relationships and friendships and time to themselves and hobbies. This has been a challenge for me and continues to be for the last couple of months. I guess I'm learning a lot about both viewpoints now and trying to observe from the different viewpoints which is a good thing I think.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 12:59pm

It just occurred to me, I wonder if some of our friends vanish after they've had a couple of kids because they are getting everything they need emotionally from their families. Love, being needed, laughter, entertainment, etc.

I know that when I have my nieces(each of my siblings have two little girls), I rarely think about anything other than them. They are great to have around when I am feeling blue. It seems like every time one of my girlfriends calls, I have my brother's two girls. I've passed on going out with her several times because I had promised them that they could spend the night, watch movies and eat popcorn. I know she probably thinks I'm a complete loser and am missing out on life but I don't see it that way. I feel like I am getting the best of both worlds, in a way. I can't have children so, I especially cherish my time with them. They won't stay young forever! I'm going to soak them up while I still can!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 1:39pm
I think there is some truth to this. If you have a happy family (good marriage) and you are raising children then in a way you do have A LOT of the emotional support and love that you do need and want in life. I'm not saying ALL because no one or nothing can give you all of that but being in a part of a happy family gives you a lot. I feel the same way when I'm with my little niece. The whole world kind of melts away and the attention is focused on her. Could be because I don't see her too often but at the same time she's the closest to my own child that I have.
I have felt that i don't need friends emotional support as much as I used to because the man I'm with offers this support to a very large degree BUT I know sometimes I will need and want my friends to be around because you can't always rely on one person and it's not healthy to do that either because you can lose that person at anytime and you need diversity in support systems and friends. However I want to be there for my single friends as much as I can too because I know that they need me around and I am part of their emotional support network.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 11:13pm

Cl-Shywon,

I can't comment on your friends but I do find that misery loves company on the ivillage boards which is why I post on this board on and off.

I really dislike that on average you will find that twenty plus responses to some whiney post about being unhappily single but when someone has something positive to post about a new job, moving to a new city, meeting someone they really like etc etc, you will find on average less than ten responses and I find that incredibly disappointing.

There seems to be such a focus on this board on being in a relationship. There is obviously a cross section of people who post on this board from different backgrounds but I don't understand why isn't there also a focus on careers, travel, buying real estate etc etc It's called 'The Single Life' but it seems to me that most people don't consider that they have a life without a partner and I think that's very sad. People on this board often talk about married people and people in couples making them feel inadequate about being single but I also find that many single people on this board also have this mindset and it can be quite depressing reading the responses on the board.

I've never found you Cl-Shywon however, to be one of those people and your posts are very uplifting and inspiring.

Feisty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 11:28pm

Hello Lovinhockey17,

I could really relate to your post even though I have to say that I don't think Cl-Shywon is one of those women who are consumed by their relationship. I think a lot of women feel validated by being in a relationship because they don't have anything else to offer in terms of having a great job or any interests outside of their relationship.

Feisty

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