Something I've always wondered

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Something I've always wondered
14
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:33am

This is kind of for the guys, but those of you with brothers would probably be able to answer, too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 11:26am

Based on how you qualified this, met her and like her, heck yes I do. As a mater of fact if I get to a third date and I really like her I don't necessarily cut off contact with others I have already met, but do stop "shopping" and pay attention. Does that make sense? That is not a feeling I get with everyone, and don't want to miss any details. (-:

And even based on some things you have said, I feel I "have to" be the one to make calls, etc. . .. and that is always struggle, when, how many . .. when is she is just going to freak out. Interest is double edge sword and a place you ladies are totally a mystery to me. (-: If you "play the game", and hold back on the call you guys think we don't care . .. if I call just because I am in fact thinking of you, you seem to interrupted that as a "desperate" man. Drives me crazy. (-: I hate games, tend to like who I like and usually take some personal pleasure in expressing that, be it a girl I want a relationship with, or just a friend. So often that is miss read and not well received. I tend to just be myself if I am comfortable with and like someone. For me, that is very flirty and complementary to her.

I would not presume to speak for all men, and surly am more settled and interested in a relationship as compared to casual hook ups at this point in my life than many men. I respect greatly the "privilege" it is . .. the luck involved .. in just finding a good match that brings me pleasure in life . .and in turn try to return that to her in kind.

Is this what you are asking?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 11:49am

Yes, I think that's what I was asking.


I guess I've always thought, on a subconscious level, that men don't really care so much about finding someone to fall in love with and marry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:02pm

>>There's never been a guy who has shown that much emotion towards me, and I haven't had any friends who've had men show it either. <<

I have witnessed this in a handful of cases:

* My grandfathers toward my grandmothers (both sets married for 60 years before grandpas passed away)

* My dad toward my mom (married 43 years last week) - although my dad is more subtle in his emotional expression

* My brother-in-law to my sister (married 18 years) - in fact, my brother-in-law was way more into my sister at the beginning than she was in him. She studied abroad in France for a year while they were dating, and he sent her letters almost every day (this was pre e-mail) and really worried that she would fall for someone else while she was there.

* My best friend's husband toward her (married 6 years) - he is almost sickeningly in love with her. :) Even after five years of marriage, he is very touchy feely with her whenever they're together and very doting.

These examples are what keep me hanging on, and hoping I can find the same thing. Knowing it actually does exist in the world almost makes it harder on me, because it makes me a lot less likely to just settle for so-so. I have to add that all of these couples have had issues -- it's not all a bed of roses by a long shot, but there is genuine love and affection at the heart of each one, and men who truly respect and love the women in their lives.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:03pm
I think there are men like there like the ones you describe who don't think about the women they are with and who don't call etc etc but those are the guys who aren't fully into the woman that they are with or the kinds of guys who really don't want a relationship but just to have fun and fool around. I think once a guy is ready to settle down and he finds someone that he cares about, connects with and is is into, he will show that he cares in one way or another and you'll feel and know inside that he does.
I've been on both sides where the guy just didn't care and was very emotionally distant and where the guy really does care and I just knew that they wanted to be with me because they did little gestures to show it and expressed it in words.
I"m sure you have felt this from men that were into you but you weren't into? They probably did lots of nice things to show that they care and complimented you a lot and were attentive and available.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:14pm

Well, certainly some men, and woman for that matter think exactly like that. Just for fun.

For me . .. I went in the marines at 17 . .. so while every one else was "developing" dating skills, I was in these military towns, on ships or traipsing around the middle east .. . very different world. And interaction with women was rare and usually more exploitive on the women's part regarding us.

I had a few good years to try and catch up when I got out of the service, but got married at 26 .. wrong woman and an unpleasant 18 years . . and as a result missed my 30's completely . . . if you just add it all up . .I never was in the environment to get good at the games . .and was in environments that make me understand how good a good thing can feel. My ex girlfriend was lavished with emotion. (-:

I have a cousin . . he stayed in the world, was always with cute woman his whole life . . married twice, and I think he was head over heals for her . .and she found someone else and moved on. He was devastated, and we do talk some, closest member of my family to me . . but he is absolutely looking for another good relationship. Plenty of us are. (-: I think I am just a little more willing to express it than most . . .the whole macho thing . . .somehow I think I proved all my macho by the time I hit 22 . .. .nothing left to prove for me. (-: Plus . .. having missed the 30's experience some other guy might want to chime in . . .to some extent 40 something men have finally grown up I think.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:31pm

As someone who's always had a lot of close male friends, what I've seen is that the answer varies wildly depending on the guy. Some are blase, others are avid and think and talk about the woman a lot even early on. Some are blase until they meet Ms Right then they become avid.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:51pm

Sometimes I really wish I had close male friends like you do so I could see the "other side" of dating in a more objective way.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:57pm

My brother has been married for, gosh, almost a quarter of a century now. He was the sensitive type, a bit of a momma's boy so, yes, he was very attentive that way. He was very sweet and thoughtful with his girlfriends. I wouldn't say he gushed about them or went on about them as we girls tend to do though. I do remember him being on the phone late at night, a lot. I knew he wasn't talking to some guy, LOL.

However, I have to say, my male friends don't go on about girls they may be interested in . . . I don't know if it's b/c I'm "one of them" or if it's just something they don't want, or care, to talk about. I would like to know though; good question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:58pm

****** It'd be nice, just once, to witness a man of my generation talk positively about a woman he's interested in. *****

What a terribly sad statement. You need to look else where. I mean that in the kindest of ways.
I don't have a lot of friends, I do however have close ones. And the closest two friends I have are women. You may be right, offers a lot of perspective.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 1:36pm

I'm sorry you haven't had that experience also. It's very sweet when you hear a guy talking about his enthusiasm for a woman he's met, and it does tend to restore your faith in men.

I feel very fortunate to have made the decision I did back in college to join a fraternity. As a vestige of the late 60s and early 70s, the college I went to had co-ed frats and no sororities. I was one of maybe 10 women--and there were 50-60 guys. I saw the good, the bad and the ugly ;-), but having grown up without any brothers, it was a great way to get to know men on their own terms. I wasn't friends with all of them, of course, but some of them are still my friends, 30 plus years later. If nothing else, the experience definitely showed me that there's no "one size fits all" when it comes to guys. I've found it easy to have close friendships with men throughout my life, and I would imagine my early experience is part of the reason.

But, I wonder if not having guys as friends is a product of your work environment being so predominantly female? Over the years, many of my guy friends have been co-workers.

It might be good for you to seek out opportunities to have more men as friends--I think it could affect your outlook positively (assuming you have a good experience and don't run into guys like you know who who thinks M/F friendships are a waste of time if they don't result in sex, LOL!).

Sheri

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