Something very strange

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Something very strange
6
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 7:15pm
I met a cute guy last year totally by coincidence and we hit it off pretty well. We have quite a lot in common and he lives in my dorm. And yes, I have a crush on him. It's only a crush, nothing more...I have not the energy to pursue a relationship with anyone, ut I will certainly accept an invitation (it's so much easier when you KNOW the guy likes you!).

Okay, so here's what happened to me today. I got one class two days a week with this guy and I haven't talked to him much at all lately, mostly because whenever I do talk to him I come off as pathetic (typical...). He's been really really nice to me the whole time I've known him, but in all honestly I'm just waiting for the "evil" gene to kick in. I've even called him a couple times, but I had legitimate reasons for both times.

ANYWAY. I come back to my dorm room after class and my roommate tells me that he stopped by our room, looking for me. He wanted a phone number from me, so he left a message saying for me to call him. So I followed through. The number he wanted was another girl's, whom we both know from TV. He knew I talked to her a lot, so he figured I'd have her number, which of course I did. He also told me that he and this girl were "going out somewhere" this weekend, but I gave him the number anyway. I informed another friend about the whole situation and she suggested that perhaps he wanted to ask me out through this other girl. My roommate also told me that a guy she liked had done the same thing.

I am so confused right now, and I need some help. Can any of you tell me if this will work out or am I screwed? If you need more information, let me know that too. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 7:23pm
Honey, he doesn't want to "ask you out" through another girl. He has the ability as evidenced by his action to stop by your room, call up and make a request - he wants her number becuse he's asking her out on a date. He figures that you two have talked in class, that you both know this girl, that you probably have her number.

If he wanted to go out with you - he'd ask. He's not shy. Nothing he's done has indicated he's shy.

Everything you've done has indicated that you're socially inexperienced. If you like a guy - you go up and ask them out, be prepared to plan and excute the plan and pay for the date. That's what "asking out" involves.

But life doesn't come to you because you wish, hope, dream, and pray that it will.....the life you want to have will only be yours if you go out and get it.

If he's the type of guy that doesn't like a girl asking him out - he's not your type anyway. And if you're giong to wait for guys to ask you out, while you act "pathetic"(Typical) - not sure what that means, while you're around them, and are so willing to accommodate their every request just to get a chance to be around them more - you're going to find yourself pretty well dateless and alone on Friday and Saturday nights.

If someone intersts you - ask them out. They may say yes.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 7:27pm

Sorry, but he doesn't want to ask you out, he wants to ask her out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 7:47pm
I figured as much. Thanks for the input, ladies, I appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 8:04pm
Okaaaay, so I was definitely being way too optimistic. Just to let you know, "pathetic (typical)" meant that I typically act pathetic. That's all.

The thing is, I've done all the asking out with different guys for years, and that approach has failed me every time (okay, except for my first boyfriend, but that got messed up badly). I thought that maybe if I back off in general someone I liked would return the favor. I don't want to resort back to asking guys out because it has been an obvious failure. You're probably all going to tell me, take a chance, you never know. Okay. But I hope you can see where I'm coming from...so many nasty failed attempts that have made me hesitate considerably in taking yet ANOTHER chance and risking yet ANOTHER rejection. So I figured if I sat back, dealt with what crushes I had very carefully, and let the guys do the pursuing, SOMETHING would happen.

Was asking about this guy too immature of me? I'm well aware that I'm "socially inexperienced," but is that an all-around BAD thing to be? I feel like the only option I have is to give up completely! I suppose I ultimately have to wait until I graduate and get out into the real world...but if I feel like giving up now and do nothing aside from waiting for it and gain no more social experience between then and now, what hope is there? What is it I'm supposed to do?

I'm not asking for advice this time...I just needed to vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 8:39pm
Well, the common denominator in all your situations, dates and realtionships is you...so what is "typically pathetic" - because that doesn't tell me much in terms of actual behavior. I"m not sure if you're a pushover and wanting to please so badly that you'll do anything they ask and you sit around trying to figure out what they want and provide it before they ask....of if you're so uptight and afraid and tense becuase their approval of you is what determines what you think of yourself that you're cold, aloof, and removed or you're a jangling bucket of talk, jabber, fidget, and twitch. And that's not the only three "typical pathetic" patterns I know that I've exhibited.

Basically, having to ask them out means that you're not "open" to being asked. There is something in your demeanor, attitude and body language that is saying "keep your distance" or is saying "I'm such a wussball/hardbutt/incompetent you really don't want to come over here and get involved with me."

But, it's important to note that a relationship doesn't make you something you're not. If you're not a happy, successful and secure person by your own definitions, efforts, eans, adn standards - what a relationship is going toprovide you with is alot of duties to fulfill, needs to meet, obligations to live up to, while you run around trying to their approval so that you'll "like yourself for a little while". If you haven't got goals in life that are designed to take you to your dreams so taht you fulfill your potential and expand your horizons - a relationship won't give you those dreams, goals, potential and horizons - they'll give you work, drudgery, duty, and responsibility with no silver lining at the cloud's edges.

So waht kind of behavior are we talking about....becuase to overcome it basically what is going to be required is that you "not exhibit that behavior/attitude" which is going to put you into an emotional tailspin...and you're going to have to control that emotional chaos with a review and assessment of facts, while keeping yourself focused on a real goal or two that is designed to give you personal empowerment, enlightenment and improvement.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for alicea825
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 10:26pm
Hey, sweetie. First off, yeah, he wasn't going in a round-about-way to ask you out; he wanted to ask her, it was pretty straight-forward. BUT...

Maybe when you call him to give him this other girl's number, you could flirt a little, drop a little hint, that you, too, are interested. There's nothing wrong with saying, "here's her number, and remember, if it doesn't work out with her, you have mine, too." Just because he's asking her out today, doesn't mean he's marrying her tomorrow. That way the ball is in his court. You never know...

Secondly, you have got to get it out of your head that you are pathetic. That only makes you look pathetic to everyone else. You have got to tell yourself you are a beautiful, smart, successful, witty and confident woman and any man that can't see that is an idiot and doesn't deserve you anyway. Do things that make you feel good about you! Manicures and facials work wonders!

Take care,

Alicea