Something is WRONG with me!
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| Tue, 04-17-2007 - 1:24am |
I get so annoyed with myself sometimes. The goober I'm dating is showing some more potential. Actually, I'm realizing that most of my complaints about him are MY FAULT. Ouch. That's hard to admit. I realized it the other day when he said that I'm not easily approachable because I come off as confident, as if I don't need a man. Wow, that's great, but then he went on to say that I also seem aloof, or something to that effect. That sort of bothers me, but it makes me feel really good to know that he still pursued me even with these thoughts and the apparant "danger" of getting his head bitten off. Also, it explains why he has been hesitant to talk about feelings with me, and why he said we were just friends at first. Here I'm having all these emotions about this guy but I'm not **expressing** those emotions to him.
I also realized that anytime the conversation turns potentially intimate, I am the one who backs it off and makes a joke or something. Here I'm all irritated because he won't open up to me, but I shut him up whenever he tries. I mean, the guy even told me he loved me, I took it as a joke - and it may have been, but I don't know for sure because I laughed, punched him in the arm and told him to shut up. And that was the end of that.
And tonight I mentioned that I wanted to go to San Diego, but it would be wiser to spend my tax refund money on bills. He said to spend the money on bills, and he and I would go to San Diego and he'd pay for the whole thing. Ooooh, San Diego with a hot guy is so my dream. How romantic. But I'm an idiot and I joked about how I can't trust myself to stay overnight with him (we are still working on the no-sex thing, but we keep failing at it. Tee hee!) I basically brushed it aside like it was nothing, but in reality I'd LOVE to go. Darnit, I should have jumped at it!
I really hate it that I can see my fault in all of this. I'm expecting this guy to go against my frozen exterior, like a romance novel hero, to win my affections and ride me off into the sunset. I'm forgetting that he's a real person with real feelings and history being hurt and disappointed. I also suspect that he's not online dating, as he told me he was, for various reasons that I won't go into here. But every time I try to relax and open up I find myself hardening. It's so bad I didn't even realize I was doing it!
Or maybe I'm just trying to blame myself to make him look better? Ugh. But all it really comes down to is that he's making the effort, and I'm not. I mean, we've agreed to not have sex anymore, and he still hangs around (but maybe he knows we'll end up doing it anyway). And we haven't seen each other in over a week because of our schedules and I'm really really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow, but of course he'll never know how much I'm looking forward to it. I'll be the usual aloof me. How can I make myself soften enough to let him in enough to give him a chance? Or do you guys thing I'm just making exuses for his behavior?

You can't make yourself soften if you have been this way your whole life. You have to re-wire a little and gain some tools to aide you in showing your more vulnerable side.
Do you feel you are always second guessing yourself? I do this, and I have finally realized that it’s because I am one person internally but a completely different person on the outside. For me, it's almost like living a double life or having split personalities.
When I’m dating, I have to play this silly guessing game. I am never sure who it is the guy is interested in, the sensitive person (who shows herself once in a blue moon) on the inside or, the fiercely independent, almost cocky girl he sees almost daily.
I need therapy!! : ) Have you considered taking that route?
I don't think there is anything wrong with you, and I don't think you need therapy.
I do think that he was trying to blame you so that HE could feel better. Being confident and aloof is not an issue if you are dealing with someone who is confident themselves.
Here's a couple of scenes from my life:
For the last year I've dealt with a guy who sounds an awful like your guy (for a moment I thought he was the same guy). Luckily there was no intimacy, just lots of mixed messages. I too thought I needed to be more approachable so that he would be more comfortable, until I realized (finally) that his lack of comfort was his issue, not mine.
My thoughts were confirmed by the fact that for the last couple of months I've been seeing someone who was not turned off by my aloofness or confidence or whatever when he asked me out. I saw him almost every day, and barely said a word to him... I was probably stewing over the other guy or some other issue when we crossed paths. He reached out, I responded, and here we are.
One final thought - perhaps you were aloof with this guy because you knew deep down that you couldn't trust him. I'm writing in past tense because I see that you posted about calling it quits. Probably best, because I doubt it will get better and you'll just go nuts. Trust me.
A~
Yup totally agree!!!
there is confidence and then there is aloof. If someone is truly confident in themselves than they don't come across aloof I think it's when someone wants to appear confident to other people that they come across aloof. I think there is a really big difference. And I think when people try to fake confidence like when they like someone a lot but they don't want to seem really eager they overcompensate on the "I don't need you" aspect and it comes across as aloof.
And therapy is nothing to be ashamed of, I went through it for a year after my divorce and it was a huge lifesaver for me at that dark time my self esteem was at my lowest, I probably would have made huge horrible life choices in regards to men if I hadn't done that after getting cheated on but I felt I really was worth more than that and I wasn't going to let him ruin me.
Smile,
Deirdre