Son hates boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Son hates boyfriend
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 11:29am
I am considering getting back together with my ex-boyfriend, we broke up because he drank too much and I told him if he went to treatment I would be here when he got back....well he went. I had lunch with him yesterday, there is no doubt that the love and attraction is as strong as it ever was. I told my 23 year old son who also is my roomate that I am thinking about seeing the b/f again. Son told me that if I do, he is moving out....son has also been through treatment but refuses to think that b/f maybe can or has changed. B/f did terrible things when he was drunk. Never hit me but did call me names and keyed my truck. Sober he was the most awesome guy. Son says b/f will end up hurting me, I don't agree. I was with this guy for a year and half, first year was wonderful but then I sobered up and told him to or leave so he left. I don't know what to do. I am 40, son is 23, I don't think he needs to run my life but I own my home and I need him there to help with bills. We make perfect roomates. Plus just like I'm sure everybody else... I want us to all get along.

on another note...

I'm in Montana next to Glacier Park, the wildfires are causing so much smoke it is just disgusting. It is so thick the visibility is that of nearly a blizzard. CALGON....TAKE ME AWAY!!!! hehe....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 1:49pm
Well I have seen this situation with my best friend`s family and from what I`ve seen my advice would be to get together with the both of them and discuss this.

From my point of view, being 19 - if my father ever were to date a woman I didn`t like I would feel the same as your son does right now. There is the male dominance factor going on here whether either of them want to admit it. No son wants another man with their mother especially if he dislikes him.

You need to think of what is more important in your life....what would work best for you and your son. It must be hard stuck in the middle so talking things through with both of them could be beneficial.

Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 4:25pm
I think you should look up your nearest Al-Anon chapter and go to a great many meetings before you involve yourself and family in this situation.

Have you and your son recovered from the effects of living with the various drinking problems in the household?

You didn't mention how long your boyfriend has been sober. Less than a year? I don't know what treatment program he went to, but I do know that MOST ALL recovery programs advise NOT getting in a relationship until at least a year of sobriety. Would picking up where you left off with him be the best thing FOR HIM??

Perhaps instead of jumping backwards into a relationship with a man who has not PROVEN he can remain sober, you should devote more time to yourself and your son's recovery.

After all, the boyfriend has proven to you he's a bastard when he drinks, but hasn't proven to anyone he's stopped drinking --for good. Though the fantasy of Mr. Wonderful is hard to resist, you have no real proof he's changed. That takes time.

Personally, I don't know how you can consider yourself "attracted to" or "love" a man who has willingly done terrible things, hurt you, hurt your son, called you names, ruined you car, and generally put you through hell. But perhaps by attending Al-Anon meetings, you can get a better handle on your situation.

PS.. Have you considered NOT getting together with your boyfriend right now, and maybe doing some volunteer work with Glacier Park, or some other type of worthy cause? It might make you feel better about yourself, enable you to make better choices with the men you involve your family with.