Starting Real Communication

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Starting Real Communication
3
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 12:24am

Hello Everyone. I'm posting the same question on a couple of boards to hopefully get various input.

Some background info (edited for length):
My bf and I are both in our early 40's, never married, no kids. We dated for about 7 months, he pulled back whenever things were going good, then he broke up because he was too busy, and his job is his life. We had No Contact for 2.5 months, on my end. He tried to contact me a couple of times, and eventually I emailed him back. He persued me, we started dating again, been back together for 3+ months, exclusive. I believe we both have some intimacy/relationship commitment issues.

I KNOW we need to open the lines of communication. I WANT to get closer to him emotionally to see if we do fit together. I just don't know HOW TO at this point. I am soooo assertive in all other areas of my life, but not in this area!!!! I think I'm afraid to be rejected, which holds me back from talking ....and he certainly isn't initiating any discussions! :)

So HOW DO I GO ABOUT starting real conversations with him....without scaring him (or me). Literally....how should I start it? What should I say? I've read some relationship books (John Gray, Men, Woman and Relationhips for example), that I found insightful...but how do I tell him about the book so he can learn more about male/female differences ....without it coming across as "here read this"??? How do I open the lines of communication?

Please help!
Thank you!
zjaney




Edited 6/4/2007 9:47 pm ET by zjaney
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 10:24am

This is a tough one when you don't get to spend much time together. Is there any way you can join him on his volunteer activities a little bit to get to know what makes him tick?

Or what about asking about his family, esp after you have just visited them, and then segueing the conversation into talking about your relationship. For example, "Your parents are really nice and they seem to get along very well. How long have they been married?" Then, you could answer with some sort of compliment regardless of the answer, ie "This is their second marriage, well, they seem to know what to do to make it work, or so it seems. What do you think?" or ie "Wow, 40 years, that's great, I hope I live that long to be married that long!" Then, you could try to work in the subject of you and him and see if he responds.

I hope these ideas are helpful a little bit. It's not easy, I know, even if you are direct (like me), and guys never seem to want to open up!!!

Good luck!
ss

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 9:51pm

Hi ethniccook-

Thanks for your suggestions. I've been in my cave the past week, not wanting to even think about anything! I did talk to him about us needing to *talk* more, which he agreed. Now we just need to do it! I need to treat him like anyone I talk to and ask the *deeper* questions in casual conversation.

Thanks!
zjaney

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:37am

I really hate to be negative because it's obvious you want to try to make this work.

However, I dated a man like that for a long time, and I finally realized that some people cannot be made to communicate or work out their issues - they have to decide to work out their issues themselves. I tried everything with the guy I dated, from couples counseling to journaling together. Nothing worked. I would lie awake at night, next to him, crying because I loved him and didn't know how to get through to him. It was incredibly painful, and I spent way too much time waiting around for him to open up to me.

I know now that it is really up to him to decide to let people into his heart and his life.

Just one perspective of course, but I definitely advocate putting your own needs first.

AJ, enjoying life with C.