Sticky Situation - long

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Sticky Situation - long
4
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 6:43pm

Hi all, I have posted to this board in the past and need some outside opinions.

To try and make a long story short, I met this guy a few years ago, we dated off and on for about year, it never seemed serious, more like just a fling of sorts. We have maintained a flirtatious friendship during this time and hooked up a few times. We lost touch for a few months and then he emails me and mentions that he now had a serious girlfriend and she was moving to be with him as well as live with him. I didn't really think much of it since I just assumed what we had had run its course although I was still attracted to him. We were still friends although he was still flirtatious. I hung out with his girlfriend once or twice and he said he had explained to her a little about our past although I'm sure he left out many details. Anyways, about 6 months ago he invited me over to have a few drinks while she was out of town, nothing physical happened although he was very flirty and we ended up falling asleep on the couch and essentially cuddling. The occurrence I am mainly writing about though happened about 3 months ago, once again she was out of town and he asks me to hang out with him. He took me out to dinner and then we went out for a few beers, he tells me that he had been in love with me for years and that he thought that when we had dated before that I was the one who didn't want anything serious and told me that he still had those feelings for me. We were talking seriously about everything and he told me that he wasn't really happy with his girlfriend and that he wanted to end that relationship and pursue something with me. Well, he ended up cheating on her that night and the next morning everything was fine between us, we even went to get breakfast and hung out until the afternoon.

Since this is already getting long, the gist is that he tells me two days later that he can't leave his girlfriend because he is in "too deep" and has to consider her feelings. He said that he thought about pursuing a relationship with me but decided it wouldn't work (although he never gave me an explanation) Of course I was upset and got angry with him because I felt led on and I told him he was just taking the safe route by staying with her. The thing is that he told me he meant everything he said and didn't regret anything but that the timing was bad and that he beats himself up for not telling me before. I told him that I didn't think continuing our friendship was a good idea, we exchanged some heated emails back and forth and then we didn't speak to each other until he emails me about a week or so ago. He just said that he misses me and wants to try and be friends with me and that he was sorry for being a jerk. The thing is that I do have feelings for him and I am not sure if I can be friends with him.

I have since moved out of state (not because of this) and he wants to visit me and some friends of his up here next month, he is coming alone. Should I tell him how I feel in person or should I send him an email and just let it go (i.e. tell him that being friends is too hard) without having to see him in person? I don't think his feelings for me have simply vanished and I am just feeling confused again, he doesn't appear to respect his current relationship by wanting to go and see the girl that he cheated with. I feel like me staying in his life will only be under the guise of hoping that one day he breaks up with his current girlfriend. I don't think he will leave her though, even if he isn't happy I don't think he is going to and I wonder if I will just end up feeling burned again.

Any opinions are appreciated. Sorry this was so long -

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 6:54pm

It sounds like he's got the "grass is greener" syndrome, or as Kristen described it- the happy vs happier syndrome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 7:07pm

I think you should tell him in person to where he gets the idea that you don't wanna be his fling with his other girlfriend is away. Because if he marries his gf, then you became the other woman, and I'm sure you don't want that at all.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 11:57pm
Well, I don't necessarily think it's the "grass is greener" because we've known each other for a while already and there were feelings there before he even met this other girl, if it was that then it is based on us actually knowing each other which is what has made it harder to let go. With that said, he still made the decision to stay with his girlfriend so regardless of why that is what I'm left with. I decided to send him an email and say what I was feeling, I just wanted to get stuff off of my chest. I told him it was too hard to be his friend right now and that I made that decision based on what was right for me. I would just be kidding myself if I remained friends and I know I deserve better.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 12:55am

I would send him the email and then let it go. If you don't want to be the chick on the side, and you are not ready to be just platonic friends, then it makes no sense for you to see him.

Sheri