Struggling with small talk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Struggling with small talk...
44
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 10:21pm

Do women expect a guy who's approaching them to be interesting, witty and charming? My problem is that when I approach a girl and try talking to her, I usually get really nervous, can't think on my toes for anything interesting, witty or charming to say or any witty or snappy responses to anything she says, and I end up struggling just to get a little bit of boring small talk out (what's your name, what school do you go to, what are you reading, weather's nice today, etc.) and I think it makes girls think I'm a dull or boring guy.

You see, I was sitting at Starbucks today to do my homework, and as I was waiting for my drink, there was this pretty cute girl throwing looks towards me. At first, I didn't know if she was looking at me, the guy next to me, the guy behind me, so I didn't respond at first. But for the next 2 hours, I noticed her looking to my table a few times, her eyes following me when I got up to go to the bathroom or order another drink (she even smiled at me once) and so on. Then after about 2 hours, she stopped. I had guessed she had wanted me to come over and start talking to her but got tired of waiting (because I was too nervous to) and gave up.

I tried thinking for something witty or charming to say for about an HOUR, but I couldn't think of anything. Then when the table next to her cleared, I took my shot, layed my stuff next to her and said "Hey." She smiled and said "hi" back, and I could sense a bit of interest in the way she looked at me and in her voice, so I asked if she minded if I sat there and she said "not at all." So I sat down, asked her what she was reading (she was studying math) what her name was after I introduced myself, what her major was, what school she went to, if she went to Starbucks often and a few other things.

The thing was, when I was talking to her, I was so nervous, I could barely look her in the eye and talk at the same time (if I look a girl I like in the eye and talk at the same time, I stammer, my voice quivers and my eyes twitch) and I was struggling for conversation topics. There was about a 5 to 10 minute pause inbetween each subject I stated above, and needless to say, throughout this whole time, I couldn't think of anything charming or witty to say.

I think it's because of this that as I continued trying to talk with her, her interest in me was dropping rapidly. When I had first started talking to her, she was smiling, looking me in the eye, had a friendly sweet voice, but as time when on, she wasn't smiling anymore, wasn't looking me in the eye and had this sort of bored, exasperated voice. And each time, I felt more embarassed sitting next to her, so after a while, I got up and told her, "listen, I'm embarassed to admit this, but I sort of noticed you when I walked in here, and I've been trying to think of a clever way to ask you out, but I couldn't, so I'm going to be honest and say I think you're cute, you seem cool and interesting to talk to and if you ever have free time, I'd like to meet you again here or anywhere else sometime."

When I said this, I had stammered a few times, could only look her in the face half the time and the other half to my shoes or to the side, I'm pretty sure I was red faced and basically, it did not come out smoothley or charmingly or confidently. Her response was that she was really busy with college. I suggested before and after, but she said she didn't know. I suggested visiting her on campus, but she said she didn't think it was a good idea because she was so "busy." I was pretty desperate so in a last ditch effort, I said "No, it's okay. I understand, but if you ever have a slot of free time in the future, maybe we talk on the phone. Can I have your number." But she said she doesn't give out her number. I knew I had blown all my chances with her and I was devestatingly embarassed, so I told her I was sorry for wasting her time, that it was cool talking to her and said goodbye.

Thanks for taking the time to read my long post. As you can probably see, I have a few problems, so if you can help at all, what can I do to fix them? I want to forgo all the boring small talk, but I can't because it's my only choice. I don't know how to be charming or witty or smooth so my only options at the moment are boring nervous small talk or not talking to the girl at all. What can I say or do to become more witty and charming and confident to a girl I'm talking to? What do you all like to hear from a guy when he comes to talking to you for the first time?




Edited 1/28/2007 10:30 pm ET by redonculous
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 9:30am

And one more thing: you need to just relax.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:30am

“Basically what "be yourself" and "be patient" tells me is "keep doing what you're doing even if it doesn't work" and "sit on your @$$ and wait for everything you want in life to come to you instead of going out and grab/make/earn it." Why should I do that? This doesn't work for school, careers, business, science or anything else in life, so why would it work for dating?”

That’s where you are wrong. Trying to be someone you are not is not the way to succeed in business. Of course, you have to put yourself out there, but it has to be what you are comfortable with. When you start trying to be someone you are not, that won’t get you anywhere in business either. I assure you. In my line of work, I have dealt with those who are absolute bulldozers and won’t back down from anything, I have also dealt with people who are quite and unassuming but equally effective when it comes to getting the deal done and what the client wants. Is one style necessarily better than the other? I don't think so because the end results speak for itself. They both get the job done and have very happy clients and fat wallets at the end of the day. If the quite and unassuming guy all of sudden starts acting like the argumentative bulldozer, it would be out of the character and weird for him. People will be able to see through it in a second that he is trying to be someone he is not, and then start wondering if he really knows what he is doing. He will lose credibility in an instant. There are people everywhere in business who are equally successful but employ very different styles.

But since you are hell bent on being that charming, witty, and confident guy that you are not, then I would suggest what others are suggesting, practice, practice and practice. You are not going to get it right the first couple of times, but it will get better with each practice. You can’t take rejection so personally. Honestly, we have all been rejected at least once in life. You have to learn to brush it off and keeping treading forward. While you are at it, try to make some friends along the way, so that you won’t feel so alone and desperate to date any girl who might be interested in you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:43am

Why don't you join Toastmasters?

Get comfortable with public speaking, and as that comes more easily to you, then the one on one interactions with females should get easier.

Also, you have GOT to stop looking at every girl you find attractive as a potential Mrs. Redonculous.

If you would actually look at them as PEOPLE you want to get to know, instead of someone to knock boots with, that attitude will show through.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:50am

<<>>

Even George Clooney gets shot down.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 2:05pm

>>>And you also need to realize that you SHOULD have some standards - you keep saying you don't care what kind of a girl you date, as long as she's interested in you. Well, this really is not going to broaden your selections. If a girl senses that "anyone will do," that's a huge turnoff.<<<

I DO have some standards, but they aren't big or huge ones. Like I said, I just want a girl who has a pretty face and who won't eat up all my money. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Those are my bare minimum standards.

Besides, if I raise my standards, doesn't that shut me off to more and more girls?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 2:11pm

Well, it does depend on what kind of standards you're raising or lowering.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 2:46pm

>>>Sure, at first hanging out with a pretty girl who has nothing in common with you might be fun. But that will get old.<<<

Possibly, so then why can't I just use the technique and find a new girl again after her? I mean, I'm 20 years old and I've only had 1 kiss my whole life. Sure, a relationship with a girl I have a lot in common with may be fulfilling, but I want to have atleast a few notches under my belt and atleast have had sex for the first time before I settle into anything serious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 3:24pm
Well, the only thing you can do is keep practicing, keep talking to girls.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 4:07pm

<<>>

Yes, I'm sure the women you're approaching would be charmed to know they are potential notches in your belt.

<<>>

Why? When you find the right one, you find the right one. It really doesn't matter how many people you've been with beforehand.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 5:39pm

>>>Why? When you find the right one, you find the right one. It really doesn't matter how many people you've been with beforehand.<<<

Why? Because I'm a young guy and I just want to have fun and enjoy my life. I'm not looking for "the right one." Why should I be?

Besides, when I'm old and with the "the right one," I don't want to be constantly worrying if I missed out by not having been with more girls when I was younger.

You understand that, right?