Struggling with small talk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Struggling with small talk...
44
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 10:21pm

Do women expect a guy who's approaching them to be interesting, witty and charming? My problem is that when I approach a girl and try talking to her, I usually get really nervous, can't think on my toes for anything interesting, witty or charming to say or any witty or snappy responses to anything she says, and I end up struggling just to get a little bit of boring small talk out (what's your name, what school do you go to, what are you reading, weather's nice today, etc.) and I think it makes girls think I'm a dull or boring guy.

You see, I was sitting at Starbucks today to do my homework, and as I was waiting for my drink, there was this pretty cute girl throwing looks towards me. At first, I didn't know if she was looking at me, the guy next to me, the guy behind me, so I didn't respond at first. But for the next 2 hours, I noticed her looking to my table a few times, her eyes following me when I got up to go to the bathroom or order another drink (she even smiled at me once) and so on. Then after about 2 hours, she stopped. I had guessed she had wanted me to come over and start talking to her but got tired of waiting (because I was too nervous to) and gave up.

I tried thinking for something witty or charming to say for about an HOUR, but I couldn't think of anything. Then when the table next to her cleared, I took my shot, layed my stuff next to her and said "Hey." She smiled and said "hi" back, and I could sense a bit of interest in the way she looked at me and in her voice, so I asked if she minded if I sat there and she said "not at all." So I sat down, asked her what she was reading (she was studying math) what her name was after I introduced myself, what her major was, what school she went to, if she went to Starbucks often and a few other things.

The thing was, when I was talking to her, I was so nervous, I could barely look her in the eye and talk at the same time (if I look a girl I like in the eye and talk at the same time, I stammer, my voice quivers and my eyes twitch) and I was struggling for conversation topics. There was about a 5 to 10 minute pause inbetween each subject I stated above, and needless to say, throughout this whole time, I couldn't think of anything charming or witty to say.

I think it's because of this that as I continued trying to talk with her, her interest in me was dropping rapidly. When I had first started talking to her, she was smiling, looking me in the eye, had a friendly sweet voice, but as time when on, she wasn't smiling anymore, wasn't looking me in the eye and had this sort of bored, exasperated voice. And each time, I felt more embarassed sitting next to her, so after a while, I got up and told her, "listen, I'm embarassed to admit this, but I sort of noticed you when I walked in here, and I've been trying to think of a clever way to ask you out, but I couldn't, so I'm going to be honest and say I think you're cute, you seem cool and interesting to talk to and if you ever have free time, I'd like to meet you again here or anywhere else sometime."

When I said this, I had stammered a few times, could only look her in the face half the time and the other half to my shoes or to the side, I'm pretty sure I was red faced and basically, it did not come out smoothley or charmingly or confidently. Her response was that she was really busy with college. I suggested before and after, but she said she didn't know. I suggested visiting her on campus, but she said she didn't think it was a good idea because she was so "busy." I was pretty desperate so in a last ditch effort, I said "No, it's okay. I understand, but if you ever have a slot of free time in the future, maybe we talk on the phone. Can I have your number." But she said she doesn't give out her number. I knew I had blown all my chances with her and I was devestatingly embarassed, so I told her I was sorry for wasting her time, that it was cool talking to her and said goodbye.

Thanks for taking the time to read my long post. As you can probably see, I have a few problems, so if you can help at all, what can I do to fix them? I want to forgo all the boring small talk, but I can't because it's my only choice. I don't know how to be charming or witty or smooth so my only options at the moment are boring nervous small talk or not talking to the girl at all. What can I say or do to become more witty and charming and confident to a girl I'm talking to? What do you all like to hear from a guy when he comes to talking to you for the first time?




Edited 1/28/2007 10:30 pm ET by redonculous
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 5:44pm

<<>>

Then hire a pro and get over all the angst.

<<

You understand that, right?>>>

Nope. It's a cop out.

If you're with the right one, you won't need to worry about comparisons.

If you just want to have a lot of sex with a variety of women because you're horny, at least be honest about your reasons.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 7:12pm
Well, I don't know what I want. I'd be okay with a relationship. But also, I wouldn't be disappointed with casually hooking up. Why is that wrong?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 7:23pm

I didn't say it was wrong.

I just think you should be honest about your motivation.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:56pm

>>>I didn't say it was wrong.

I just think you should be honest about your motivation.<<<

Okay. Here it is. I want to remember what it's like to hold and kiss a girl (I've forgotten because it's been over 2 years) and I want to know what it's like to have sex for the first time. For God sake, I'm a 20 year old guy and I'm still a virgin. I know a lot of you women think it's not a big deal, but virginity is different for men and women.

What does society say about female virgins? "They're sweet/innocent/pure."

What does society say about male virgins? "They're pathetic losers."

I know this sounds cheesy, but I have a lot of desire that's eating away at me in the inside, and I have so much to offer but no one to reciprocate it and it's really frustrating and maddening. I want to do what ever it takes to achieve my goal.

I honestly DO NOT CARE AT ALL if it's in a serious relationsip or a random hookup, if I have to compromise my character or if the girl it's with is some dumb, prissy bimbo. And to the poster who said I shouldn't "pretend" and "be someone I'm not," I wasn't asking how to pretend or be someone I'm not. I'm asking how to change into a different person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 9:00am

<<>>

Or that they're men of high morals and integrity. Guess it depends on WHY they're still virgins.

<<>>

Doesn't sound cheesy at all - sounds very human.

<<>>

Which smacks of desperation...which women can smell a mile off...which is probably part of your problem.

<<>>

Then like I said - hire a pro and just get it over with. I think it's a shame that you don't want the loss of your virginity to be with someone you love, but hey, if it's not important to you, then no biggie.

<<>>

IMO, you can't. I think we are all born hard wired a certain way. Through discipline, we can change habits and maybe even demeanor, but our inherit traits are what they are.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 11:04am

>>>Or that they're men of high morals and integrity. Guess it depends on WHY they're still virgins.<<<

I’ve never heard anyone who was under 40 or who wasn’t an hardcore evangelist say that about a male virgin.

>>>Which smacks of desperation...which women can smell a mile off...which is probably part of your problem.<<<

I AM desperate. How can I NOT be when I haven‘t even kissed a girl in over 2 years? Why is desperation a turn off? What can I do to hide it?

>>>Then like I said - hire a pro and just get it over with. I think it's a shame that you don't want the loss of your virginity to be with someone you love, but hey, if it's not important to you, then no biggie.<<<

We guys just don’t think like you women do. We aren’t disappointed when someone we’re seeing or just met JUST wants to hookup and nothing more. We don’t pull our hair out or cry in the night wondering why she didn’t call back after she slept with us or why she only wants to have sex but never share her feelings. Most of us are happy just to be getting some.

But either way, I want it to happen because I want a girl and she wants me back. This can happen in a relationship I develop with a girl I meet in class, or it can happen with a girl I met at a club for a one night stand. Either way, like I said, I want it to happen because I want her and she wants me back, not because I paid her money. Like I said, the reason I hate gold-diggers is because they’re basically prostitutes.

>>>IMO, you can't. I think we are all born hard wired a certain way. Through discipline, we can change habits and maybe even demeanor, but our inherit traits are what they are. <<<

So what behaviors do I have to change? Which new ones do I have to adopt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 11:39am

Have you ever tried online dating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 11:50am

>We guys just don’t think like you women do. We aren’t disappointed when someone we’re seeing or just met JUST wants to hookup and nothing more. We don’t pull our hair out or cry in the night wondering why she didn’t call back after she slept with us or why she only wants to have sex but never share her feelings. Most of us are happy just to be getting some.<

On the other side of that coin is that women don't think like men. I would venture to say that a good majority of women are just not that interested in no-strings-attached sex. Which is why we pull our hair out wondering if he will call or not.

Stacey has a good thought in this matter - CraigsList has an "intimate encounters" page (or whatever it's called) and it's free. You should try that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 10:28pm

I haven't posted in ages but I had to here

First off I am a 24 year old, pretty mature minded, single guy that was an outcast in high school and couldn't talk to anybody that I didn't know up until about 3 years ago. I was and still to a point am self conscious (so are most people...hint hint) but not as bad as I used to be. I had trouble approaching women and still do from time to time. I never kissed a woman until I was 22 and that woman I had a great relationship with for about 5 months and I still miss her. Up until that point I was like you where you would do almost anything to "get" a girl, whatever you define "get" as and women can smell desperation like bloodhounds just like guys can. This was a woman who dumped her fiance of 4 years for me and although it didn't work, I NEVER expected it to happen and I was happy it did. I've been single since then and I like the fact that my life right now is completely in my control. If I feel the need to go out, I call one of my gal pals.

Unlike you, I don't go looking for hookups, not my thing. If you are On line dating might be worth looking into, although until about 25ish, it's somewhat of a beauty contest. Join a gym, take a college course (if you're not in school already).

I know you're trying to sow your oats like many people our age, but may be a long relationship will help you with your lack of confidence before you sow your oats. Then when you're 21 you can buy drinks for some lightweights in the bar and well.........

My advice is to just talk to women, or anyone in general about anything. I'll even give you a line. When you're at the supermarket, or Wal-mart, or the DMV (grrrrr) say to the person next to you, I NEVER pick the right line, by the time I get out of here, I need to go home and shave. But have a playful tone about it, tone and body language say tell people 90% of what they need to know or what you MEANT rather than what you actually said(women more especially than men). You never know what might be said. Half the time I don't any response, sometimes there might be half a riot when you have 5 or 6 people making fun of the situation or you could get a phone #.

There are some days I feel uber lonely and depressed and there are some days I feel I can get someone like Rebecca Romijn. DON'T have any expectations (I still struggle with that) RELAX!!!! And most importantly, SMILE!!!!! Smiling is attractive to pretty much all women because it communicates confidence, a stutter here or there is normal, even a moment of silence; everybody is nervous! Practice makes, well, for a better batting average.

Next time you're at the coffee house, find a girl by herself (group approach is for seasoned veterans), give yourself a pep talk, go over there and say HI, it works better than a chessy pick up line. If she's studying math, say...I could never do math, except for circles, cause it reminds me of pi...mmm pie, can I buy you a piece (that's my brand of intelligent humor). If she's doing english, use my favorite ralph wiggum/simpsons phrase...Me fail english, that's unpossible. It's endearing and let's her guard down a little bit and if she's a simpsons fan, she'll roll over laughing.

Lastly, you can't expect to go dutch every night. You will have to shell out a little money now and then. After all, you don't have to buy make up, and bras, and perfume, and feminine things, and accessories, and well, you get my point.

The women here know what they're talking about and helped me through some tough times last year. Take their advice instead of arguing with them. They ARE trying to help and in the end you need to suck it up and be a man; nobody can change you except for you.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 10:50pm

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It's nice to see a guy agree with us!